to be desperate for help for lonely old neighbour?

[Haffdonga]

Not really an AIBU but I really don't know what to do. Neighbour (I'll call him Bill) is 92. His wife died 3 months ago and he is seriously depressed and terribly terribly lonely . There are no children, no family at all except some distant extended family of his wife's who live a couple of hours away. They make an effort to visit every few weeks but have their own health issues.

He made a serious attempt on his own life about 6 weeks ago and only survived unharmed by total fluke. He's totally 'with it' mentally and physically is coping perfectly well. I pop in every day or two and he is good company and very grateful but repeatedly tells me how lonely he is. Today he told me he would have made another attempt on his life unless I'd popped in, . I don't mind going round at all but I'm not enough and work full time. I cant be there all the time.

So what on earth can be done for Bill? So far there has been

• Age UK offered a volunteer visitor (but apparently nobody suitable on their books yet)
• Day Centres etc (Bill refused point blank. He's very deaf and hates clubs or groups.)
• Social services (assessed him, he's 'coping well' and they cant do any more )
• GP (has referred him to some kind of mental health team but that doesn't seem to be regular or ongoing and he told me he's now been signed off)

- a week respite in a care home (Bill packed up early and went home and said he was lonelier there than at home because they were all gaga there )

I just feel so worried and sad for Bill. What on earth is there for someone like him?

Maybe he can do some kind of volunteering. Is there a NT nearby where he could give tours for example?

Dina he is 92

OP do you know and get on well with your neighbours? Even if there is a plan with appropriate agencies it may take time to put into place so wondering if you know a few families in your street who also know Bill and might agree on a visiting rota just so he has some regular company until there is more in place for him.

I hope something here is helpful:
www.nhs.uk/Livewell/women60-plus/Pages/How-to-help-a-lonely-older-person.aspx
www.royalvoluntaryservice.org.uk/get-help/support-at-home/good-neighbours
www.theguardian.com/theguardian/2005/dec/01/features11.g24

Have you had a chat with him to ask explicitly what might make his life more bearable?

to you OP. This must be very sad and difficult for you to witness as well as being awful for Bill.

As someone else asked if he's ex forces there are not only places like the British Legion who will help but groups who are into the 1940's for example who will happily take him on a day out to events and such.

This makes me so mad-there are so many who would like to help but the main organisations are a nightmare to deal with on my experience .

Haven't rtft but have you tried the royal voluntary service (formally WRVS).

Depending on the area they run befriending schemes or meals on wheels. Befriending would be best but even if he has meals on wheels at least someone is popping in everyday

Another vote for church. However my experience of CofE with my parents is disappointing to say the least. I've been very impressed with the local Baptist church near my mum. They have a community person who visits mum (who by the way isn't a Baptist).

This is so sad. Good on you OP for trying to help.

He doesn't just need to 'see' people, he needs real companionship.

Get him a dog! Offer to take the dog for a daily walk with / for Bill. A small, non-bouncy dog from a rescue centre would be ideal. Choose one that you will be happy to take in if Bill passes away (morbid thought - but this is actually why many older people do not get pets).

Alternatively - a cat. But dogs really are worth their weight in gold when it comes to companionship.

I know he is 92 but is there any chance he might consider fostering a small, elderly dog? Nothing too taxing but providing some focus, companionship and something to care for and about. Probably a potty idea.

www.contact-the-elderly.org.uk

This organisation we're fabulous for my old nan! 😁

My MIL is in the WI and they visit lonely elderly people locally and organise regular coffee mornings, tea dances etc for them. Might be worth giving your local chapter a ring. Also second the poster who recommended Silverline.

If he is actively suicidal than he really needs to be seen by the older adults community mental health team - there is one in every area. Although this might be what everyone has been signed off from.. just because he is older doesn't mean his mental health isn't important ..just as if he was 22. You could try googling for the phone number and ask to speak to the duty worker. They won't be able to tell you anything but need to listen to your concerns if they know him, or as said above his GP.

Posters above are suggesting getting Bill a dog, which I think is great but we got my Nan a fish and it really helped. It seems so small to us but to my Nan it was a living creature that she needed to get up to feed and clean out, and she'd talk to it as she pottered around the kitchen. For someone aged 92 it could be an idea if you don't think a dog is suitable.
You're doing a great job, Op; I hope some of the previous posters' advice helps Bill.

^Best pets for seniors mysilverage.thebegroup.org/Relationships/Best-Pets-for-Seniors

Thank you so so much to everyone who replied. Sorry not to reply last night. I fell asleep.
Some really good suggestions here which I will follow up in the future but in fact events have overtaken us a bit today. Bill today made a call to the MH team that was supporting him (and had signed him off) saying he cant go on and whatever happens will not be staying in his house tonight . They have been great and sorted him an immediate respite stay in a different care home for a couple of weeks. They've told him that this new home is much more active and better for him. Reading between the lines the last one was for people with more severe dementia. I desperately hope this will work and perhaps be a longer term solution for him.

Again thanks sincerely for the suggestions. I should have also said that he's very wobbly on his feet so any of the physical activities (and dogs!) wouldn't help.

Could he volunteer somewhere? Is there a local volunteer centre he could sign up with? So many people don't want to attend organised groups etc but want to be useful.

Whilst social services may not think he's eligible for commissioned services- they can refer and signpost... surely they know of options other than day centres!

Thank goodness he has you though

Haffdonga you are a very kind neighbour to want to help. Although it's very sad that Bill feels that way, hopefully it might be a positive sign that he felt able to phone the MH team.

Could he move into sheltered accommodation? It sounds as though he could do with the sort of place where everyone lives independently but there's a warden and activities.

Hi
This is my first every mumsnet post!
I was sad to read about Bill I hope he is in a better place now both physically & mentally but it is so hard to lose a long time partner
Has he tried cruse bereavement counselling? Contact the Elderly are super volunteers and always need more gentleman to even up the gender balance of their groups. Age UK have some great befrienders. Mens Sheds can be a great male environment (but ladie can go too)
I really hope he can feel better. My Mum lost my Dad when she was 89 they had been together for over 60 years , this was 4 years ago now but she still hates living alone. I always try to make sure she has things in her diary to look forward to , One huge success has been Contact the Elderly, they are very very kind and she looks forward to it once a month