To want to give you a heads up about this? *mental health, poss trigger*

[QueenNefertitty]

This isn't something controversial I hope- I've just seen lots of posts on MN recently from parents who worry that they're "failing" as parents, or have what read to me as excessive fears and anxieties. And in some cases it feels horribly familiar.

Backstory- I had antenatal depression while I was pregnant, so counted myself hugely lucky to avoid postnatal depression (I was classed as high risk, and had lots of contact with the Midwife service). What I didn't know about was post-natal anxiety. It's a very different illness, and lots of health professionals misdiagnose it as PPD because SOME of the traits are the same. It isn't the same thing- and it's more likely to strike if (like me) you've suffered OCD or "pure O" OCD in the past.

It's not really talked about in the same way as PPD, but IMO it needs to be- because it nearly destroyed me. It came
on at around 4/5 months after my DS was. born, and manifested first as health anxiety about him, and then spiralled into intrusive thoughts. I've been working with a therapist for months, and finally coming out the other side. For me, the main symptom was those things I just mentioned called "intrusive thoughts". I won't list them here as possibly triggering, but if you google "postpartum anxiety intrusive thoughts" some good resources come up. I have to say- if you are suffering from these, please please do NOT be ashamed to share them with a trusted healthcare worker. You're not mad, and you're not a bad person. Nobody will think you are.

Here's some info on the symptoms but please please, if you think you might have Postnatal anxiety, try and speak to someone- it gets better, honestly, but only once you've told someone what's going on.

Here are the symptoms

feelings of fear and worry which begin to ‘take over’ your thinking

feeling irritable, restless, tense or constantly ‘on edge’

racing heart/strong palpitations - sometimes panic attacks

reoccurring worrying thoughts such as that you are not doing things right and/or that something terrible will happen

unable to sleep – even when you have the opportunity

avoiding situations for fear something bad will happen.

Hopefully this will help some of you- I wish I'd known about PPA before I got to the low point I did- it might have saved me months of pain and fear.

Stood and read your post and realised that my PND was more likely anxiety.
I now have an anxiety diagnosis but think I got back, I think the birth of my dd probably triggered was was low level anxiety into PP anxiety - all you have written was me, to the point that I would place her in her cot and sob thinking how could I ever be a worthy mum? And then fear that my anxiety would ruin her life.
I did get through it, but now reading your post it all makes sense - it wasn't me going mad, it wasn't that I was a shit mum, it was anxiety.

You've just placed pieces of the jigsaw in place - thank you so much

@foslady

Your post means so much- I'm so glad I've helped at least one person realise they weren't "crazy" or a "shit mum" - or as I used to think of myself, just "a terrible person" . Just- that you had an anxiety disorder. And that you did amazingly well to get through (as it sounds like you have?)

I'm sure your daughters have a marvellous mum- you wouldn't have been so worried about your anxiety if you weren't (IYSWIM?)

Unmumsnetty hugs to you as well. Glad it sounds like you're recovering

I think your post is really important. I was diagnosed with Postnatal Natal Anxiety when my DS was 11 months old, I left it far too late to admit I needed help and it was putting my marriage on the line.

I thought I was an awful mother, hated when something didn't go to plan, anxious about DS' routine, and was very anxious about DS being ill. Sleep deprivation made it 100 times worse. My mother also admitted to me she felt a lot of the same things I did after I was born. I was a difficult, non sleeping baby, and she even made up a sore throat to go to the GP when I was 7 months old, she just cried through the whole appointment. My mum has been nothing but supportive, loving and incredibly worried about me but I do take some comfort that my wonderful mother also struggled.

I was put on sertraline and had CBT through NHS Talking Therapies, which you can self refer to if its in your area. I am doing so much better, more sleep helped massively. I sometimes have my moments, but I can't believe how much better everything is. I was so embarrassed, shamed and guilt ridden by everything. I confess I still feel guilty about what I put my family through but I need to move on.

What makes me sad is that, along with a traumatic delivery, the anxiety is likely to mean that I won't have any more children. It makes me sad that I cannot cope enough to give my son a sibling but I can't risk this happening again.

Thanks again, it's so important to talk about it as I felt very alone with my problems, thought I was the only one that felt like this.

@blueberry I struggle to leave the house, my daughter just started nursery and they asked if we went to any playgroups, I felt like such a shit mother saying no so I lied and said we did

I had CBT through the NHS which helped a little I can usually stop myself spiralling completely into a panic attack now but I believe I have some deeper issues which CBT doesn't deal with to fully recover so I'm now looking at private therapy.

@user I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better and that CBT worked for you. thank you for sharing your story. The more of us that speak up, the less isolated those suffering in silence might feel.

Really important thread Queen, thanks for posting

Thanks @genghis

Hats off for this Nefertitty

I don't bother telling my chums I had post natal anxiety as PND is a much more "known" thing. When I told one I'd had PNA the blank look and then "oh; you mean PND though" just cemented my earlier thoughts.

Fuckin hell, mine was horrid. My mind would RACE with the terrors of the darkest recesses of my psyche. I developed quite bad claustrophobia. I saw a black cat running across the room a few times; we have no cat. I ended up being unable to use lifts. I ended up being unable to use the at for a while as the central locking would go on as standard (just for a moment) when the engine came on and I was convinced the system would fail and I'd be locked in.

I'm 18mo post partum with DD and currently 31 weeks pregnant. I'm scared the PNA will come on again but weirdly ok with trusting myself that it basically unleashed a huge domino fall of terrors as DD was my first baby and - well - there's no handbook is there?!

Anyway, good post. I'm glad this is here.

[lies down in a darkened room]

@legend - you're so brave to admit all of that, to live it and to have another baby! Congratulations on your pregnancy! I can't imagine how strong you are.

Nobody I knew had heard of PPA either. And one person actually said when i described how I was feeling "do you think it might be that postnatal psychosis thing??!"

Guess what I IMMEDIATELY started obsessing over? Yep, that I was psychotic and didn't realise. The things I thought were SO black, and weird, and abhorrent I would actually dry heave sometimes.

Gods bless my therapist for getting me through that horrific time. She took our first session, and said "you are not psychotic. But you are extremely tired, you're dealing with this alone (exDP never really around) and your anxiety levels are through the roof. But you are not mad, and I am confident you won't hurt your baby". (I was terrified I'd hurt him - you know, because I was convinced I had psychosis )

To hear someone in authority, who KNEW this shit, say that to me was the purest relief I've ever felt.... so I know what you mean.

joins legend in the dark room

Queen - I am much better now, but let's just say it was a bumpy Road that isn't always that smooth now!
I try and take positives from it though - it made me look at both myself and how I wanted to parent, and what great parenting meant to me. I may not have the best job, or be the smartest of people, I may have picked lousy men for husbands, but the one thing I have heard a lot is that I'm a good mum and have raised a great kid - so I take pride in that I proved the anxiety wrong.

Hello there and thanks for your story. I have suffered from Ocd since 15 years back, and had several CBT treatments. ATM I'm doing quite good, with sticking to what I know about CBT and Ocd, but I'm pregnant for the first time so feeling a bit worried it's gonna come back once the baby is here. I might ask you for contact details of private therapy. Take care and all the best of luck with your CBT. Ida