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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

STBExP visiting my mum - aibu?

29 replies

Giraffey1 · 19/08/2017 23:54

Am in the process of departing from my husband. It's my decisions to split and things are currently reasonable amicable. He has just told me he has arranged to visit my mum and go for a meal. She lives an hour or so's drive away - he wants to see her before going to visit another friend of his who lives in the same neck of the woods.

AIBU or is this a bit weird? It makes me feel slightly uncomfortable but I don't know if I'm being unfair. It also feels odd to me that he will be with my mum who is meant to be on my side. That last bit sounds a bit childish, but you know what I mean - she is my mum and has told me she is supportive and understanding of the reasons behind the split.

Do other people's stbexp's go visiting their MILs?

OP posts:
BeachyKeen · 20/08/2017 00:16

The only people I know who are divorced are still very much involved in each others families. In both of the cases, the divorce was reasonable, there was no abuse or anything rotten like that.
I think it is good if people can maintain ties, as long as there is not abuse

katronfon · 20/08/2017 00:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Namesarehard · 20/08/2017 00:32

How long have you been in each others lives?
I see it as it's you two who here divorcing. It has nothing to do with anyone else. I'm still in contact with ex's who have been partners with people in our family. I see no reason why not. I know if me and my husband were to divorce I couldn't cut contact with his family. They've been a big part of my life.
As long as there's been no abuse I see no problem with it personally. I wouldn't be offended myself anyway.
I really don't see it as taking sides. It's not school.

WinnieTheMe · 20/08/2017 00:36

Bit different, but my DM died when I was small but DF always kept in close contact with her family, even helping as a carer for her DM (his MiL) when she was old.

I know it's v different because it's a bereavement and not a divorce, but I think the point is you do form close familial relationships with your in laws, and maybe sometimes people do want those to continue beyond the initial relationship.

junebirthdaygirl · 20/08/2017 01:10

My ds and his gf had a baby when young. Then split up. I visit her and she occasionally visiits me. But l suppose its mostly in connection with gd..Maybe your dm is conscious he is gks dad so wants to keep the door open for that reason.Will you completely cut ties with your inlaws?

BrevilleTron · 20/08/2017 01:18

Hmmm. My XH sees my mum regularly and yes it does irritate me. Yes we were together for five years but neither of them seem to want to let go which does somewhat affect the relationship between me and my mum.
But my mum has generally preferred to "see both sides" throughout my life so I'm used to it now.
My Dad is more 'my daughter before others'

spidey66 · 20/08/2017 01:19

A close friend of mine is divorced and remarried. Their kids are grown up, but he maintains a friendship with her mum. They always had a good relationship. His own mum died when he was in his mid teens so he sees her as another mum. My friend's fine with it.

My aunt is divorced and another aunt and uncle (her sister and bil) have rained friendly with him over the years. Again, no problems.

Having said that, none of us have anything to do with my brother's ex!

StarHeartDiamond · 20/08/2017 01:20

It's a bit wierd and I'd be annoyed with both my ex and my mum for going along with it. I think he is either being needy or controlling, only you know what side he leans towards.

I would let this once go but if it happened again I'd tell him to back off. Especially if you don't have kids together. If you do, then there's still no need for meals and all that. Just staying cordial and friendly would be enough for most people. Why's he need to take her out for a meal? He must know it would piss you off to imagine them having a (situationally defined) private conversation without you being present, what are they going to talk about? Were they always close? Have they always got on so well? Did he take her out for meals individually etc before you split? I don't get it.

raspberrysuicide · 20/08/2017 01:22

We've been separated for 2 years and now divorced and my ex husband came on holiday with us to my mums in Portugal.
He flew out on the same plane but only stayed a week whereas me and dc are staying for 2. And he's picking us up from the airport too.
We get on better now than we ever did, it's very strange!

StarHeartDiamond · 20/08/2017 01:23

Who on here would take their ex FIL out for a meal on his own after splitting with your DH?

raspberrysuicide · 20/08/2017 01:28

I went out with my ex mil the other week for a coffee !

WannabeChild · 20/08/2017 01:35

I'm best friends with my cousin's ex wife.

However, both my brother's are divorced and our parents cut contact with their respective ex wives after their divorce, admittedly both were messy divorces and both wives may have cheated

eyebrowsonfleek · 20/08/2017 01:37

I see ex's parents more than he does. (I take the kids with me) if I didn't then they'd never see the kids. I am nc with my parents and ex has never met them.

Atenco · 20/08/2017 01:43

I dread my DCs splitting up with partners we've embraced and come to love

You brought these two people together and asked them to be friendly for your sake. Unless he has been abusive, I don't really think it should be about sides.

Seeingadistance · 20/08/2017 02:09

My cousin's ex wife phones my aunt every week for a chat.

I've remained on very friendly terms with my ex husband's sister - she's one of my closest friends, and she stayed with me when she came to this area for my ex's marriage to his new wife. I am closer to her sons, who I consider to be my nephews, than my ex is, even though he is their uncle by blood ties, whereas I'm their aunt by a marriage which ended 10 years ago.

mehimthem · 20/08/2017 02:11

after I split with XDH #1 I kept in touch with his family but mainly for our DS benefit. Things moved on though & contact eventually dropped as they (ex PIL) got older & DS left home etc. But it wasnt DS choice that his parents split up - he was only 2 yrs old - & if there are children in the mix, its nice that their GP may still have some involvement in their lives. Not always possible I know but if you can all good. Do you have DC OP? Is this why he may be wanting contact to be ongoing with your DM ?

scaryteacher · 20/08/2017 11:19

Dh's brother and his wife are splitting up (his choice, not hers), and we are trying to be equally supportive to both of them. Dh's sil is the mother of his adult nephew and niece; he has known her than he has known me (so for about 35 years), and she was my bridesmaid, and we have always got on well. Why should she or we, lose that relationship, unless she wants to?

Oldraver · 20/08/2017 11:23

It depends on how well they got on before. Did he visit your Mum without you ? If he never bothered with your Mum I would think it weird

oldestmumaintheworld · 20/08/2017 11:32

In the kindest possible way, who your Mum chooses to see/speak to/go out to lunch with is not your business. How would you feel if your Mum rang you and said 'By the way I don't want you to see your brother/father in law/cousin because I'm not seeing them any more.'?

I understand that you are splitting up from your partner and I'm sure your Mum will be supportive, but she also had a relationship with him and still does. She clearly wants this to continue and so does he.

CadnoDrwg · 20/08/2017 11:54

If DH and I broke up it would be unlikely for him to visit my family but I'd absolutely keep in touch with his. I love his mum dearly and consider her to be family.

Unless there is a substantial reason (e.g. abuse) for your mum to cease all contact with STBXH please don't see this as a betrayal.

Original poster
Giraffey1 · 20/08/2017 13:13

Just clarify, I don't really see this as taking sides, and certainly not as a betrayal. Perhaps I didn't phrase it very well ... it just feels odd!

We don't have children but have been together for nearly 14 years, so it is understandable he has built a relationship with my lovely mum.

My mum is amazing and is under no illusions as to the reasons for the break-up. She is very good at listening without judging or appearing to take sides, to use that phrase again. She will be the one paying for the meal, never yet seen my H put his hand in his pocket to pay for any meals with my family.

H gets on with mum, mainly I think because she lets him talk and say what he thinks about stuff without much in the way of comment. But he has made her cry in the past and is bossy / he is like this with everyone because he cannot accept that he is not always right.

My brother doesn't like H at all and has made it clear to me that while he is sad for me about things not working out, he thinks I will be well shot of him. My SIL, who always manages to say something nice about everyone, tactfully notes that he can be a bit difficult... They won't be inviting H over or accepting any invitations any time soon!

Thanks for taking the time to reply, everyone, really appreciated. At least I know that some of you get where I am coming from.

OP posts:
katronfon · 20/08/2017 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkstinks · 20/08/2017 14:21

Maybe he is going to say goodbye after 14 years. A nice meal etc and then to draw a line? It would be different if regular, but after spending a lot of time together to never see someone again would feel a bit odd.

Original poster
Giraffey1 · 20/08/2017 14:57

I think I'm probably just being silly and overthinking things. This separation mularky comes with lots of new stuff to deal with, doesn't it!
I need a 'how to' handbook!

OP posts:
katronfon · 20/08/2017 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.