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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to tell her?

43 replies

BifsWif · 19/08/2017 12:34

Posting here because although I'm expecting to be flamed for not telling her the first time, I need honest replies and quickly.

In May, I was housesitting for my parents while my husband stayed at ours to look after our dog. My parents neighbour, married, was helping out by checking on my mums pets while I was working and he sent me some really inappropriate texts over messenger. Things like asking if he could come over for a drink and when I said no, pushing it and saying things like "just one drink and then I'll took you up", and that he would be up for some "fun, and even more" if I was up for it. I put him firmly in his place and told my husband and my parents, but I didn't tell his wife. She is a friend of mine in that we speak when we see each other, have each other on Facebook etc. Her daughter and mine are friends and play most weekends when we visit my parents.

I didn't think I should involve myself in their marriage, rightly or wrongly, and no more was said.

Fast forward a couple of months and she and her husband are on a break and have been living separately for a month or two. She doesn't want a split and thinks they will get back together, however while she has been on holiday with her DD for the last two weeks, he has had another woman in the house. I have seen him drive up with OW, go in to the house, draw the curtains and not emerge until the next morning.

Would you tell his wife? I am so torn because it's not of my business, she is really struggling with mental health (ongoing and not caused by the split) and I'm worried about what she might do. On the other hand, I would want to know.

So, WIBU to go and tell her what I've seen and show her the messages he sent me months ago?

OP posts:
Original poster
BifsWif · 19/08/2017 12:34

Tuck you up*

OP posts:
Uiscebeatha85 · 19/08/2017 12:39

How do you know this information? Are you on speaking terms with the wife? If you are friendly enough to be and she shares information like this with you then yes I would tell her

Original poster
BifsWif · 19/08/2017 12:41

Yes I am on speaking terms with her, she messaged me a few times after the split. Everything I have posted I have heard or seen first hand.

I think she messaged me because she knows I had mental health issues previously rather than because we're very good friends if that makes sense.

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SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals · 19/08/2017 12:43

State the facts, exactly what you have seen, but whilst I don't agree with it if he is seeing someone, if they are on a break I assume that's is the justification he will use to her. I would want you to tell me, your a good friend I think, things have a way of outing themselves but sometimes people have to get there for themselves, its q rough call for you OP, good luck.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 19/08/2017 12:43

So, WIBU to go and tell her what I've seen and show her the messages he sent me months ago?

She will ask why it took you so long to show her the messages.

If he doesn't want a divorce and she thinks they will get back together, you realise you will be cast as the jealous woman, he will manipulate his texts to you and your responses and it will all be your fault. It doesn't matter that your DH knows or your parents, he will gossip and you will be cast as the scorned woman etc.

There will be a knock on effect at school with your children.

As you say she has MH issues already, my guess is he is prone to manipulating her. At no point in this is she going to say "gee, thanks for telling me whats under my nose".

O/T - I'm surprised your Dh didn't go and have a quiet word in his shell like. My DH would have done if I'd received unsolicited texts..

MrsExpo · 19/08/2017 12:45

If they're living apart, who is living in the house? Has the husband moved out or the wife and the DD? Sorry for all the questions, but if he's living elsewhere and just nipping back to the house for a bit of action while she's away, then I would certainly tell her what you saw.

Original poster
BifsWif · 19/08/2017 12:48

He did have a not so quiet word, but he didn't tell his wife. So her husband is aware that my husband knows, but his wife doesn't know.

Sorry, maybe I wasn't clear - SHE doesn't want a divorce, I'm not sure what his plans are.

Fully expect to be shot as the messenger, and there will be repercussions. I'm not sure he can manipulate the messages, I have them all saved on messenger so it shows the time sent and that they came from his Facebook account. I do expect he will manipulate her though, you're right.

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cleanlaundry · 19/08/2017 12:48

Tell her what you saw, but if it's going to cause a problem with the delay in telling her about the texts then omit them. Doubt he would bring those texts up himself. Also he wouldn't know who's tipped her off about his behaviour would he? Could be you or your parents?

Original poster
BifsWif · 19/08/2017 12:48

He moved out, but must still have a key. She is living there with their daughter.

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Original poster
BifsWif · 19/08/2017 12:49

He would know it was me yes, when he realised we'd seen them he text my dad saying 'obviously you didn't see me here tonight pal' with a wink face.

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Mrscropley · 19/08/2017 12:55

Surely she will know he has been in the house while she has been on holiday?

cleanlaundry · 19/08/2017 12:56

So he thinks that a message will stop word getting out. Ok even if he finds out you tipped her off, nothing much he can do about that, he got caught because he was visible and by chance you saw him, not because you were snooping.

I'm not sure about the MH issues affecting her reaction so can't advise sorry, it's hard to know how she would react. Maybe just mention he was at the house as a passing comment and see what her reaction is? Without mentioning the woman first

greendale17 · 19/08/2017 12:58

I would tell her

honeyroar · 19/08/2017 13:00

Id want to know about everything if it were me. Help her make the right decision... I was cheated with with my ex, and discovering that I was the last to know was the worst thing.

Original poster
BifsWif · 19/08/2017 13:01

Yes probably, although they do have pets so maybe it was agreed that he would pop in and feed them or something?

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Original poster
BifsWif · 19/08/2017 13:03

That's my stance honey, everyone knew apart from me when my ex did it and I felt so humiliated.

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Zaphodsotherhead · 19/08/2017 13:08

Could your parents (who live next door) not mention it to her? Or use your parents to relay the message (as in 'mum said she saw XH going in next door with someone, is he feeding the fish/moving furniture/decorating?). Would it sound better coming from your parents, as in next door neighbours more likely to see /hear/be concerned about what's going on next door, rather than a Facebook friend?

Original poster
BifsWif · 19/08/2017 13:14

Yes possibly, that's a good idea. My mum didn't see, I was walking out to my car and my dad was waving me off when he drove up with her. My dad saw them leave the next morning, their house overlooks theirs, it's a small cul-de-sac with only five houses do not much room for hiding.

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FizzyGreenWater · 19/08/2017 13:15

Yes I would tell her.

And yes she will ask why you didn't tell her about the messages at the time and I think that if you are friends then you should be able to say quite honestly...

'I was just too shocked and afraid of doing the wrong thing, really just wanted it to go away, was afraid of both his reaction and yours, thought maybe it was some completely out of character thing and was worried about your health too and - well, I just didn't know what to do and I buried my head and couldn't bear to cause a big scene and I was wrong. And I'm so sorry about that and it's bothered me ever since. And now, with this other thing happening I just can't bear not to level with you, those messages have eaten away at me and I thought that I couldn't bring it up after all this time but now with what happened the other night I'm past that, and even if you fall out with me for telling you I'm more concerned that you're going to end up making decisions about him based on not the full story of what he is like. I am SO SORRY I didn't tell you before. I was a coward and it was wrong.'

That's what I feel that I could say to a friend and that even if they were angry with me, they would understand where I was coming from.

Be a friend and tell her. This guy is a horrible sleaze. And include the detail of his text to your dad and what it said. A wink? Bleurgh. Little shitbag.

babybubblescomingsoon · 19/08/2017 13:15

I would tell her. It's not like she thinks she's living in wedded bliss right now. They're on a break for a reason and this might help her make the best decision for herself and her daughter long term

mmmmnuts · 19/08/2017 13:20

what does "tuck you up" mean?

Original poster
BifsWif · 19/08/2017 13:26

I read it as tuck me up in bed. It's what I say to my kids.

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Original poster
BifsWif · 19/08/2017 13:27

I know fizzy, the text was disgusting. He is a fucking sleeze.

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OoohMavis · 19/08/2017 13:29

Since they're on the verge of splitting I agree I'd want her to make the right decision with full facts. It maybe he's an obvious letch and she knows that, but it's possible she has no idea.

Even if she wrote you off and it caused difficulties for your dc in friendship terms, personally I still think it is the right thing to do. I'd be tormented with the idea she will patch things up without full knowledge otherwise.

Original poster
BifsWif · 19/08/2017 14:54

Thank you all. I have decided that I'll go and see her when I go to my parents tomorrow and tell her.

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