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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas plans

50 replies

user1473602935 · 18/08/2017 20:13

DH just had a row about plans for xmas day

Last Christmas I didn't see my family until 28th Dec and instead hosted DHs entire family in our family holiday home

This was on the understanding, that the next year, we would be with my family in the holiday home. We would alternate each year

We have two kids so can't really do our own thing that day

Now he says that it's unfair not to invite his parents and disabled brother that lives with them on xmas day as they'll be alone otherwise

I would like to just be with my family tbh, and think it would be unfair on my family to ask if they could come as I know they'd rather it was just us

AIBU? It's tense here tonight!

OP posts:

highinthesky · 18/08/2017 21:17

Ask DH to be honest with you.

And if you hosted his family under sufferance last year, make it known.

pictish · 18/08/2017 21:20

Peeky - wow that sounds exhausting!

Sayhellotothemoomoos · 18/08/2017 21:21

Ye why can't it be just the 4 of you?

SparkyTheCat · 18/08/2017 21:21

YANBU. DH and I see nobody on Christmas Day. This works insofar as it annoys both sides equally, which is probably the best we're going to get. Good luck.

Whatsername17 · 18/08/2017 21:23

Ignore his sulk. He agreed to alternate. That is what you are doing. His sulk is to guilt you into changing the agreement. Just repeat 'We agreed to alternate, we will see yiurbparebtd on the 28th, they have plenty of time to make their own plans'. Don't engage further.

Original poster

user1473602935 · 18/08/2017 21:25

Thank you everyone! Yes we'd do something fun and Christmassy with them just not on the actual day

OP posts:

Fluffyears · 18/08/2017 21:28

It's fairest to see your family. I have to do a duty Christmas every year as MIL is a widow and DP an only child. I would love s Christmas for just us two but it's never gonna happen.

wobblywonderwoman · 18/08/2017 21:29

We are going to have issues this year, so I get your angst in August. You won't o sort it early so it isn't hanging all year.

Dh can't have his own way. You need to stop the nonsense and have it just the four of you. Most years we drive to my parents in the morning. Do dinner and go to dh in the evening. Literally three counties of driving.

I think I am going to let whoever wants to visit, visit but his parents won't and nor will mine. But I have offered

Lolabridges · 18/08/2017 21:35

Forward planning taken to an extreme.

It is now 18th of August FGS!

We made the decision after four years of alternating, to do our own family Christmas. Best decision ever. We alternate on Boxing Day now.

But who knows about other people's family dynamics?

Mrscropley · 18/08/2017 21:37

He needs to stick to what he agreed. .
Sounds like he hasn't quite cut the apron strings and is scared to tell his dm 'the plan' ....

katronfon · 18/08/2017 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Boulshired · 18/08/2017 21:47

We always had my mums disabled uncle for Christmas, my mum had a bond that was more parental than sibling. It was hard for my dad.

Mummaofboys · 18/08/2017 21:47

I think turn taking is fair, his family won't be all alone they all have each other, in sure the three of them could muster up a good Christmas. Why don't you compromise that husband family can stay for new year?

Glumglowworm · 18/08/2017 21:50

Yanbu, he was perfectly happy for your parents to "be alone" last year, he needs to stick to the deal this year when it's the other way around

You could review future plans after this one, whether you could have both families or neither. Having 2 kids absolutely does not mean you can't do your own thing, of course you can! I've never had a Christmas with any of my grandparents in my life! Neither have most of my cousins.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 18/08/2017 21:51

Since our kids were toddlers we have stayed home. Anyone who wants to come is totally welcome to come (normally FiL and BiL) but we are going nowhere.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 18/08/2017 21:57

If you made the decision to alternate, that agreement should stand.

This thread makes me so glad I have to work Christmas tbh, so thank you for the not so timely reminder. If you want Christmas just the 4 of you, nothing is stopping you and it can be great. Expecting you DH or DP to stick to his original agreement is not unreasonable either.

happy2bhomely · 18/08/2017 22:02

I don't get all of this. We have 5 dc and we don't visit anyone. We have a lovely day at home with our dc. Sometimes we've had guests, but mostly not. Then at some point between then and new year, we see our extended families. Nothing fixed. We just either invite someone round for dinner or games or we pop round to them for sandwiches. All the cousins cross paths at some point and that's it!

Your DH should stick to the deal though. Or I would tell him to go to his parents while you see yours.

BreakfastAtStephanies · 18/08/2017 22:03

YANBU. But. . . .

Consider that this could be a great opportunity for you. Have both yours and DH's family round this year, all together, if there is the space. Next year it can be just the 4 of you ( you, DH and the DCs ).

I speak from experience. I used to alternate, for years. Then one year I had a lightbulb moment and invited both sets of parents. Honestly, it was easier. They all chatted away to each other, leaving me in peace in the kitchen, cooking Christmas dinner and drinking sherry. Result. This is what I do now. They all get to catch up as they don't see each other often. Sure, you need to make more food but you don't notice that when it's a big dinner with lots of trimmings anyway. Alternate years it's just us and the two DC, which is very relaxed.

Of course this works well mainly because both sets of parents live nearby and don't have to stay over, and also both DH and I have siblings who also host parents on the alternate years so nobody is left home alone.

deblet · 18/08/2017 22:06

Alternate, this year it's your turn as agreed then make a plan for the future. I don't understand the turn about thing as soon as our first child was born we stayed at home and relatives visited us xmas eve for tea or boxing day for tea. But the children stayed home and enjoyed Christmas day in their own home with their toys and mum and dad. Maybe now is the time to decide what happens going forward and don't let him have all his own way. Remind him he is not a child and needs to respect your view not what mummy and daddy might want. He probably just does not want to tell them.

VaselineIsNotStylingGel · 18/08/2017 22:09

YANBU.

He wants you to host them every year. He made the agreement when he was getting his own way and it seemed fair then but now the reality has hit home he's throwing his toys out of the pram and trying to manipulate you.
Seriously how can 3 people class as being alone?

Also as pp have stated in the long term you will want to wangle in a few Christmases where it is just you, your husband and children.

Brighteyes27 · 18/08/2017 22:12

I think by do our own thing maybe the OP means her visit her parents and her DH visit his parents.
We don't go anywhere Xmas day just us 4 no guests and it's low key and relaxed. We may invite MIL this year as she was widowed in Jan but think she would prefer to go to her DD as she only lives 5-10 minutes from hers and has a massive house.
We will ask MIL early probably next month but won't pressure her or be offended if she says no. My parents live a 10 minute drive away and don't like going out Xmas day and don't invite anyone for lunch so we will see them over the fortnight.

LazySusan11 · 18/08/2017 22:13

Take yourself and the kids to your family and let him go to his by himself.

theaveragewife · 18/08/2017 22:51

Hmmm I think you need to see it from your dh's point of view too, it's very different having a sibling with a disability. For instance they may not understand the standard swapping of Christmas families! If you could do something to avoid your db/ds from being hurt wouldn't you?

In your position I would probably invite everyone, Christmas is for families and it's really sad that so many people think it's a time to be selfish. Maybe your dh did agree to swap, but maybe he feels desperately sad about this now. When we're young our parents took care of Christmas cooking, when we're old hopefully our children will so inbetween isn't it our turn to make it the best possible time for everyone?

YouTheCat · 18/08/2017 23:04

Who does the bulk of the Christmas prep? Who cooks on the day?

Tbh I'd do a 3 year rotation. Last year with his family, this year with yours, next year just you and the kids on the actual day.

tigercub50 · 18/08/2017 23:07

My sis in law calls it 'restbite ' too - makes me smile.

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