Pushy parents in kids sports

[ilikespaghetti]

My dd is involved in a sport at a high level, I won't name the sport for fear of being outed. Over the years a number of parents have come & gone, made big demands for their "talented" kids & if the highly trained coaches don't entertain them or pander to their wishes they make a huge drama & leave, badmouthing the club on their way... Does this happen in all sports? The same parents also bad mouth other kids they see as a threat to theirs...

I recently realised that some of this comes down to where you live. And it's not just the parents.

We move around a lot. I always sign the kids up for a bunch of things to try and stuff they already enjoy. Swimming as well. Usually this has all been fine, no pressures, have fun and be kids. Those that were really good at things went to specialized clubs. It's always been very clear on websites / contact etc what the clubs represented.

We recently moved area. I sign the kids up. Then discover EVERY club is aiming for Olympians. They are all utterly ruthless. It's comedic in a little Britain kind of way. But then awful for my kids who thought they were off to have fun. They seem to be set up in a survival of the fittest way - so tiny kids (3 year olds!) are told what 'position' they are in swimming lessons and laned appropriately. And parents are informed of the coachs prediction if they will make 'club' which occurs approx 5 years later.

There's sports clubs where 3/4 of the team will disappear one week leaving only a couple of kids to turn up for practice. The next week they all come back waving medals. No one thinks to tell or warn the parents or the kids 'not good enough to go'. It's all made very obvious after.

I walked out of some of these things thinking that I'd just stumbled on some oddballs but it seems they are all like it.

It's such an awful shame as it's put my kids right off some sports that they weren't necessarily brilliant at but really enjoyed previously.

Funnily enough I've never heard of any great athlete's from this area. A lot of people are overweight here. Noticeably so. I'm worried about what goes on in school to be honest.

Sorry not directly answering your AIBU but something I've picked up on.

As a child I competed in a sport at a high level, my parents pushed me but weren't 'pushy' as it were. In the sense that they pushed me to work hard not the coaches to magic up some talent that wasn't there and never bad-mouthed other kids. My sister is now a coach in a high level sport and the parents have gone downhill over the last decade.

It used to be that most parents were great with a couple of pushy ones, now it seems that you've got 50% crazy pushy parents and the other 50% strangely litigious/defensive (i.e. how dare you shout at my child etc.). It's a complete minefield for sports coaches these days. Obviously this is only in the particular sport but I imagine a lot of coaches face the same hurdles.

Yes yes yes all the way!!!

Have to agree rugby and cricket and golf and martial arts moms aren't so bad, but footie moms and dance moms? A bit of a pain... and also 'drama school child' moms are a pain. Problem is, they all think their child is the best, and is perfect.

But also 'ice hockey' moms are awful. There's an ice rink near me, and a few people I know have their kids in the local team, and the moms are a PAIN.

One is a particular horror, and screams and shouts at other children if they upset her precious son. She insists he is 'man of the match' every other time there is a match,' she begs money off family and friends for trips to Canada for him, (for 'training,') and she is at every match screaming and hollaring across the ice rink. She is vile.

She has even alienated half her extended family, by yelling at her own cousins children (a number of other boys in the family are into ice hockey too!) Seems no-one in the family has a mind of their own, and they're all into the same flucking sport.

And I agree that the it's the parents who failed dismally at what they wanted to do in life, who are they're trying to push their children into being a 'success' at something.

I mean, there's nothing wrong with wanting your children to do well, and encouraging them etc, but not to the extent where you are pushing them into something they probably would not have been arsed with if you hadn't pushed them (and I have seen this happen!)

In the 'ice hockey family' I know, the one woman I was referring to who is vile (and who has alienated half her extended family,) has just one son, and her 3 cousins have sons into the ice hockey too.

One cousin has 4 boys, and every one was shoved onto the ice rink aged 2-3 I shit you not. As time passed, another cousin who has 2 boys followed suit, and shoved her boys on the ice rink at 2-3 y.o. too. And then eventually, cousin number 3 shoved her 2 sons onto the rink!

By 6 to 8 years of age, 4 of the 9 boys pulled away and said they prefer footie and golf. One (to the mother's horror,) preferred drama and dance. Oh dear!

Sorry mommies, you can't live your dreams through your boys all the time. Get your own life!

Had a shocker encountering pushy Dad in road cycling, recently. It's not the norm there, either, but clearly not impossible, either.

Tennis is supposed to be terrible for this, too. Look at Agassi, Graf, Williams sisters.

Judo & BMX parents are a great bunch, though (so far!).

It doesn't seem that bad in gymnastics, it's one of those sports where natural ability accounts for a lot, they quickly realise their precious snowflake isn't up to it and move onto the next one.
The ones that are genuinely good seem to be quite chilled, as they don't need to push their kid because they've got the talent. Also the coaches do a lot of the pushing!

Yes, it is. I'm a gymnastics coach. Part of the issue is with the structure in this country, if you're not selected for big things by 7 then you do not have a chance of it being anything other than a hobby.

Not saying that's bad, but there are a lot of talented kids out there, and inevitably some lots are missed. I have had some phenomenally talented 8 and 9 year olds, but cannot get them into the nearest "big" club because they are "too old", and i don't have the facilities to catch them up with kids the same age that have been training 18hrs a week from age 6.

These kids do want it. Their parents support them. They realise by about 11 that they will not achieve their goals so they move on.

My dd is an elite athlete. It is the biggest stress in our life and i wouldn't wish it on anyone. Every club and every coach works differently, and all look for different things. Dd's elite coach retired and since then she's pretty much been left to train with the club kids and low level coaches. What do you do? We know she won't achieve her potential left as she is, other clubs and coaches have their own kids, and we've already had to move club once. Where we were promised she'd be treated well by the head coach, who then left a year later, new head coach has his own squad, and she's back in club again. This is a kid who is currently the best under 15 in the country, at 13.

I have seen it work. I've seen parents kick up a fuss and their average kids get put on a top squad. More hours, better training, and they improve rapidly, and will overtake more talented kids on less training. Then that kid is then percieved as "better", gets better coaches, and it's a cycle.

Definitely happens in football . Don't mind so much if the coaches ignore them but when they're best mates with the coach and they get to stamp their feet and get their own way it massively pisses me off.

My dc don't do much competitively, and I know it's out there, but the parents I've some across are very much the exception rather than the rule.
I have refused to let ds into competitive football because of the reputation, but he does enough other things.

Dance we did stop at one school due to one parent whose dc were bullying, and as the apple didn't fall far from the tree, parent was a pain and dance teacher for some reason stuck by her despite that we were at least the fourth set of children to leave because of them. But it really was just the one set. Moved to a different dance school and haven't had any such issues despite it being overall a more competitive school, doing festivals etc. At that school they seem to treat the talented and the doing it for fun with equal importance in most things.

Gym: Absolutely wonderful. Dd2 is now coaching with the group, and has done some competitions and it's the love of her life. but as she's missing an arm she's never going to be top dog. But the coaches have been amazing with her.

Am dram: For some reason we're heavily involved in this. All the dc do some classes. One of the classes does seem to have a couple of those parents that they pander to. The other is fairly new but seems to be very sensible and haven't come across any of "those parents" yet, plus I think the owners are more than capable of telling them to get lost.
However I'm involved in a society which is meant to be entirely about fun, and we have one dreadful parent who is listened to ridiculous levels, daughter is a nasty bully and has seen off several talented nice children over the last few years. We've had a few other pushy "my dc deserve centre stage" types over the years-including one 5yo who told me "my mummy said that if I'm not in the middle to push my way through there". I find it odd that despite their claims that it's all about fun and "all are equal" they're the least fair and hardest work of all the am dram socs I've been with.

Tennis: I used to play tennis competitively, and boy, you do get some. Haven't come across it much with dc, but there is one local club that has a interesting reputation. It's odd, because most of the clubs, good or bad, we play are pleasant enough.
This one every time you're met with bad line calls, poor sportsmanship, unpleasant behaviour. I didn't let ds play in the match against their club after I heard about the previous match where the parents had stood on the courts screaming etc. Odd. Is it that that particular club attracts that sort of person, or is it that that behaviour is normalised so people who wouldn't otherwise do it? Strange. At our club there are a couple of parents who are what I'd call "precious" but not nasty.

really I'm a gymnastics coach as well, and was a national squad member (14 years ago!). I started when I was 7, so by 7 I certainly wasn't 'written off' I couldn't even back flick before 8.

I think the difference in this area, is that there are several VERY good clubs, it's a shame your DD is in an area with poor provision. So no one is written off or not accepted for age.
If I read your post correctly your DD is national champ and being trained by a club coach? That's the qualification they hold? That's not good.

When my DD was in junior school, probably aged about 7, there was the annual sports day. One of the young girls was taken aside by her dad for a pep talk, stuff along the lines of 'we are a family of winners, not losers'

All the other kids were just having fun, and there was this poor young girl being 'put in the zone' by competitive dad.

I agree Really sometimes those who shout loudest get what they want. I've seen it in dance, the pushy parents make a fuss until their darling is given a lead or solo even if their child is not the most talented or deserving.

Oh, and in case the stealth classism comes up about it not happening in rugby, or any other "post" sport

Assuming you mean "posh". There are two types of rugby. One is most definitely NOT "posh"

Sunshine, I definitely agree with you there, however imo it backfires when they come across strong willed coaches/teachers who do not entertain parents & who are very good at keeping the crazies at a safe distance!

i am big into track and field, always have been a decent runner.
There is this little girl who's father is a decent club runner who at our track who is pretty much forced to do 80/100m sprints, with all due respect to the poor thing it's probably the one thing where pure talent comes into it and she's always last by an enourmous margin but her dad make sure her do it and she's mortified every time.

My dh competed at a high level as a youngster and one of the other parents actually said to his face that he didn't deserve to win all the time as he didn't train as hard as her kid!

So pushy parents have always been about maybe there are just more of them.

What gets me most is the nasty stuff these grown ups say about other kids often in earshot. You wouldn't treat work colleagues like this or would get the sack. These are just children who are working hard, doing their best and enjoying their sport. I've heard parents say loudly that a certain child wasn't good enough to be on a team or making comments on their ability. The very same people are so lazy and lardy they can't run to catch a bus yet they sit there critiquing kids who are working their socks off.

Does anyone remember the cheerleader mum who put a hit on her daughter's rival!

Actually the hit was on the rival's mum. Pushy sports parent becomes unhinged....

I was actually offered a monetary bribe once. Being a bit clueless, I didn't get the gist of it at first.

DS switched from football to cycling competively at 11

It was such a relief to leave the footie culture behind, the team coach's sideline barking/comments were cringingly laughable and confusing,
the worst I saw were he and opposition coach facing off!
The parents were supportive and pleasant.

Cycling is a smaller world and the awful parent is a rarity

Going back to Op
Watching kids progress to national racing level, it's clear that natural atheletim helps, making a commitment to join in training sessions adds to their skill set and over a couple of years the child starts to shoe results i.e. Top three placing.

Much sadder is the committed child without the same natural ability, once they fail to keep up these often leave.

On the other hand, a child's progress seems to be a lumpy curve upwards not a straight line, growth spurts, illness and injuries all impact athletic progress and parent s need to be reminded of this