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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think there should be more to marriage than this?

19 replies

HopelesslyHoping · 17/08/2017 21:55

Back story: I got married at 22, 7 years ago and we have gone on to have four beautiful children. We own our own home and my DH works very hard for us which I work part time (2 days a week) and spend the rest of my time at home with the children. I'm currently on maternity leave, due back to work in January.

Yesterday my DH posted on Facebook a slushy status about how much he loves and respects me and how I'm his everything and his life started when he met me. I read it and 'loved' it and wrote something back but really all I was thinking was 'Great, now we're one of those couples who has to make it public to make it real'.

Every time someone 'likes' his status I can feel my blood boiling and I know he'll be feeling good that his post has the approval of so many of our friends and that must mean that how he treats me in real life is acceptable.

He's not a bad person but he has a very short temper and he takes his work pressures out on me. I work hard bringing up our four children and although he says he respects how hard I work, actually I think he just says it to pacify me when I'm tired/kids had a bad day.

My 2 year old daughter said to me the other day 'Fcking Mummy' and when I asked her about it (trying not to make too much fuss or show I was hurt) she said 'That's you Mummy, Fcking Mummy' My DH swears blind he hasn't said that in front of her but where else would she have got it from. I've heard him swearing under his breath in front of her before about things I've asked him to do etc but chosen to ignore it.

He's currently downstairs and I'm upstairs, we've barely spoken this evening because I just don't have anything to say. I often wonder, if I didn't say anything to him, how long it would take for him to talk to me when he comes home from work. I feel really sad about that.

This probably comes across as self pitying and a pointless post but I'm really struggling to know whether this is just one of those things, if it's something every couple/marriage goes through at some stage or whether this is completely out of the ordinary and I should consider getting out now?

Thank you for any replies xxxx

OP posts:

IrritatedUser1960 · 17/08/2017 21:59

Everyone goes through this especially with young children which are enough to destroy your soul on there own.
However it sounds like a bit more effort needs to be made, I know date nights sound like a bit of a cliche but it really is important to spend time together.
If you don't keep fanning the flames of a marriage it will go out.
I only had one child and that was hard enough, my friends with 3 regularly offlaods them to the inlws for a weekend so they can have adult friends over and have adult conversation/get pissed whatever.

IrritatedUser1960 · 17/08/2017 22:00

"Their" ff's

Sandbrook · 17/08/2017 22:27

Sorry, no answers. Only these
Watching with interest

weaselwomble · 17/08/2017 22:38

Nothing useful to add I'm afraid but a similar relationship here. I too often wonder how long he would go without talking to me / saying he loves me if I didn't say anything first.
It's shit

Sayhellotothemoomoos · 17/08/2017 22:42

No answers either but the one bit sounds familiar. I often wonder if I didn't speak how long it would take dh to speak to me.

japonicaleaf · 17/08/2017 22:45

I feel your pain OP. My DH is a bell end to me about a 30 to 40% of the time; mood swings, being silent for nothing, walking on egg shells around him, not knowing what mood he will be in when he gets up/comes home from work. He will be a nob for a week, making me wonder what I have done wrong, and the atmosphere is toxic.

Then he will just suddenly be in a good mood and will grab and grope me, and look deep into my eyes and say 'I love you,' and 'you look so pretty today,' and 'thank you for cleaning the house,' and post gushing stuff on FB. But it often just leaves me cold because he has been a nob head for a week, and then just expects me to be all smiley and grateful that he is now being nice to me.

MissBabbs · 17/08/2017 22:49

Doesn't sound from your post that he does much with the DCs, if you do it all how would he appreciate how hard you work?

MrsJamesAspey · 17/08/2017 22:50

I'm genuinely shocked that so many of you are saying your relationships are similar to the op

Why do you stay in a relationship like this? You only get one life why are you spending it in such misery. I know people shouldnt split up without trying to resolve things first but how long can you spend living like that.

I don't want to be horrid to anyone, I've been a single parent for 13 years, and would choose single over this kind of behaviour every time.

Tapandgo · 17/08/2017 22:51

💐probably a recognisable situation to many people - needs talking through sooner rather than later

Titsywoo · 17/08/2017 22:55

It sounds really sad to me. Especially what your dd said. I'd never talk badly about dh in front of the DC and I doubt he does either. Doesn't sound like he respects you much? Sometimes dh and I don't talk (due to a row) but I'd say it was once or twice a year. If I disappeared upstairs for ages he'd come and check if I was OK.

Sistersofmercy101 · 17/08/2017 23:14

Yep, this cycle of disrespectful muttering, shunning, silent treatment, moodiness followed by very public ott gushing "perfect loving husband" that doesn't match behind closed doors private behaviour sounds all to familiar. I'd advise personal counselling for yourself, alone - before you couples counsel - due to your H's superficial charming behaviours, you need to ground yourself with personal counselling first.

HeddaGarbled · 17/08/2017 23:22

Please don't take this as a criticism as that's not what I mean at all, but I think it is unusual to have 4 children under 7 and by the age of 29. That has got to put intense and exceptional pressure on any relationship. Your time and emotional energy must be pretty much occupied with being a mum and his with earning enough to pay for it all.

I think you are in a risky place.

The two solutions I can think of are relationship counselling before it gets any worse or you going back to work full time. I know the second will seem impossible with 4 small children but in my experience it's the only thing that will put you back on an equal footing.

GreenTulips · 17/08/2017 23:24

I'd be a annoyed at the FB post, it was for his benifit not yours AND if you liked it, it's a bonus.

He needs to realise that team work means means equality, share the burden, share the work.

Your day doesn't clock off so why should his?

Loungingbutnotforlong · 17/08/2017 23:26

Sorry to hijack, but when people recommend 'personal counselling'- who runs it, how do you access it? Thanks in advance

Papafran · 17/08/2017 23:33

That's really sad. If you feel like this at 29, you'll wake up at 49 really bitter and regretful at wasting so much of your life. I guess some people have a fear of being on their own, but surely it's better than a relationship like this? I remember my grandparents hated each other- never a kind word, constant simmering resentment. They also got married young and it wasn't the done thing to get divorced. But it seemed like such a waste of a life, so much disappointment.

I agree with a pp- get back to better paying work as soon as you are able. Make sure you don't end up like the numerous wives on the relationships board who gave up everything for their husbands, only to be abandoned in their 50s with few career prospects.

GreenTulips · 17/08/2017 23:51

You can be referred - long waiting lists
Or
You can search councillors and pay a small fortune for weekly sessions

lozzylizzy · 17/08/2017 23:59

It sounds like he is getting tired and grumpy, taking it out on you then feeling guilty and you are just sick and tired at him lashing out because you are knackered and not there to take his shit!

Its called being stuck in a rut. You need to get back to basics so to speak. Take the kids out on their bikes/pram and go for a walk somewhere peaceful and talk.

Original poster

HopelesslyHoping · 18/08/2017 08:24

Thank you for all your responses and I feel for all of you going through similar. Sending love to you all.

Hopefully weather will be nice this weekend and we can go for a walk and a chat and if that doesn't work, I'll look into counselling.

Thank you x

OP posts:

redsquirrel2 · 18/08/2017 10:15

I think you and your DH need to talk to each other. Say you read his FB post and it was really nice and you'd like him to say things like that to your face. It sounds like both of you are under a lot of stress, and as the main breadwinner he is probably feeling stressed at having to support the family in a job where he's not happy. Not making excuses for him, you work really hard too. Just talk to each other, tell him how you feel.

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