to basically adopt some random Grandparents in the street?

[barefoofdoctor]

Not going to get any sleep tonight unless Stern Mumsnet Advice is received regarding something that happened today and has been playing on my mind since.

DD3 and I were in our local small (very friendly and community orientated) town and she got chatting to an elderly couple (DD is extremely people friendly and a right little performer so people often come to chat to her and end up getting cuddled). DD asked to cuddle them before we left and they were very happy to be cuddled. The lady said that they are 'suffering from grandchild deprivation' so I asked if their grandchildren lived far away to which lady replied that her son had died in his mid 20s. We all said our goodbyes and went our separate ways.

The couple were really lovely and clearly yearned to give love and affection to a little one. After DD and I walked away I couldn't help wondering if i'd have upset/offended the couple and sounded stark raving mad if i'd asked them if they'd like to meet up in the park/café (with a view to us 'adopting' them). For context. DD has fantastic Grandparents on the maternal (my) side of the family, but they live a 2.5 hour car journey away from us so we see them about every 6 weeks. The paternal side are utter twats; no end of hassle, grandparents who live a 5 minute walk from us and can't be arsed to the point I have stopped making the effort and they have fallen completely off the radar for several months now (and can stay there - I am actually quite intrigued as to when they will re emerge, if they ever will and what the excuses will be ).

My AIBU is, would I have sounded completely unhinged and scary if i'd asked if we could 'adopt' this couple (albeit in different words). If this isn't too weird/scary and I am not being unreasonable, then how would you word this? It's not really a day to day conversation is it?! It just seems such a shame these folks have a massive void in their lives and so do we, and the solution seems logical (I am in no way any sort of gold digger with an eye on inheritance or anything like that, which was another worry as I turned the episode over and over in my head). Or am I just seriously weird?

I wouldn't pitch it as adoption. But ywnbu to suggest meeting for a coffee and a chat or something. I would let a friendship develop naturally.

There are some 'adopt an elder' schemes. We had one at work via a local derby and Joan club. I don't see why you couldn't do this and take the little one along. Unless they were like my old granny (who wasn't very child friendly!).

It's a sweet idea but with all due respect you have no idea what they are like as people. They could be a complete hinderance or danger to your child. If you did say anything you'd have to friend then first and see what they were like. They might be lovely but never take people at face value.

I had a spare granny, an elderly lady from my village after all my grandparents all passed away, she was ace

Welllll...I get where that impulse is coming from. All our GPs live either in another country or hours away and my mum is seriously ill so hasn't been able to visit much since DD arrived six months ago. I've found myself looking slightly longingly at random older people, specially if they're out with grandchildren.

However, you don't really know these people at all. So if you want to pursue something, you should take it really slowly, maybe suggesting meeting up in the park to hang out first and getting a feel for what they're like.

My own parents are sort of adopted grandparents to the kids who live opposite and it's a really lovely relationship. But their neighbours know them really well.

My Mum lives abroad and my MIL 300 miles away. I met a lady 10 years ago at local softplay. I was there with DS and she was with grandkids. We meet regularly for coffee and despite having s son and daughter she calls me her other daughter and I call her my surrogate mum.

Yes, don't use the adoption word. That may well sound a bit terrifying. Can you engineer any sort of situation by which you see them again, and maybe invite them round for a cup of tea? It sounds like a lovely thing to do - but tread a bit carefully; you know nothing really about these people.

I think that's a great idea, and not weird at all. I think we must be related as my in-laws are exactly the same. Following with interest, as I would love to know how to approach, without sounding deranged !!

Yes I agree with glum ease off the whole adoption thing but perhaps see if they're interested in being friends, going for coffee and if you all get on and they are amenable suggest feeding the ducks / spin around the playground with a picnic or something else low key. Hopefully you'll then move to a place where you can invite them for tea or lunch at your house but ease into it gradually ( as you would in any friendship) but generally I think it sounds like a lovely idea

Not wierd.
Lovely.

I'm rooting for you both to be returning, at the same time/day, to see if you can bump into them again.
It's a pretty wierd society we've made, if we can't risk being friends with people we bump into, because they might think we're odd, or have some underhand agenda.
You all stand to gain.

We have surrogate grandparents for my dc as they have one lot who are not very interested and another who are too far away. It has developed over time but is lovely

Is there nobody that you actually know that you could get to know better- maybe an elderly neighbour or something like that? I am sure they loved cuddling your DD, but maybe you are overthinking the extent to which they have a huge void in their lives (except for losing their son) and the notion that your DD would definitely fill it. Even if their son had lived, he may not have had children. They may have just been being chatty and friendly.

Anyway, since they were random strangers, it doesn't sound like you're going to be seeing them again. But there are charities that work with lonely elderly people as a pp has said, so try that.

I think it's a lovely thing to do and I had a friend who did this before. Don't mention the A word and get to know them very slowly. Good luck!

I think it's a lovely idea. Take it very slowly building up a friendship first. Take your safety and your DD's safety seriously.
Involve them at times when people generally get together.
Check them out, sound them out
Don't adopt them but find another way to talk about it.
Good luck.

I think this is wonderful and enriching to everyones lives, you could have just asked if they go to the cafe regularly and if they do 'bump' into them a few times, your daughter will break the ice! if your happy then arrange to meet

Are you likely to bump into them again? I'd just say dd loved meeting you and chat to them. Then maybe you can meet up in park/cafe and take it from there. Say oh we usually come here every Tuesday. You could mention she doesn't have local GPs. My friend's children have an adopted granny and grandad. They are parents of a friend who emigrated and it evolved slowly and obviously suits both parties.

My granny has a whole bunch of other people that call her granny. Some openly admit it's because she's outlived their own granny.

She's totally happy with it, it doesn't exactly require any effort. If you meet the for tea and cake, a walk in the park and eventually round for tea you'll be calling them granny jean and grandad John in no time.

I had an adopted granny and she was wonderful. She was my next door neighbour and I used to chat to her for ages across her garden gate. She didn't have any grandchildren either so it was lovely for her too (at least, she seemed to like it!). YANBU OP, just take it slow.

so I asked if their grandchildren lived far away to which lady replied that her son had died in his mid 20s

It must be the job I do because the first thought that came into my head was financial manipulation; so many times I've had to deal with vulnerable elderly people who are easy prey to con artists who get their will changed.

I would be skeptical about "adopting" them. You don´t really know anything about them and what they think about raising children, etc. But why not just befriend them? Next time you meet, ask them if they´d like to meet in the park one day and take it from there. If you like them, then maybe they can become family friends who take care of your daughter from time to time? No need for the grandparent title to be involved.

In danish theyre called reserve grandparents