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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dealing with attention seeker...tired and worn out.

25 replies

Eddy436 · 17/08/2017 11:51

It's quite a lengthy one so I'm sorry but there's a lot of back story. Me and my partner run dance events in which people attend. Around 2 years ago a lady joined who I was instantly put off as she seemed to cling to my partner and go out of her way to ignore me, although with her being a paying customer I'm always at polite as I can be. She had a partner a young child when she joined and my partner says she was friendly enough.

Over the years she has shown herself to be a drama queen and an attention seeker.. such things as 1) having multiple asthma attacks - which I took very seriously being a sufferer myself but found it odd she didn't know the difference between brown/blue, appeared to.enjoy everyone crowding around 2) over sharing about how good XX is in bed but he's now messing her around but please can we not tell anyone as she doesn't want her partner to find out etc.

She has had a rough time over the last 12 months, for which I feel for her. She broke it off from her partner after her multiple affairs, moved house and is currently recovering from an operation to remove her ovary. I do feel for her...she is lonely, and I myself last year had the same op after an ectopic pregnancy so know how hard recovery both physically and emotionally can be. I have tried to be a shoulder to cry on / chat to when she has wanted, even though I find it awkward and a bit odd as it's very much a customer/organiser relationship, and I do not go into sharing any of my personal details.

Anyway I'm currently 28 weeks pregnant and my tether is now wearing thin with her constant over drama and over sharing. Neither myself or my partner want to be involved in her drama, but feel some kind of duty towards a customer to be polite and friendly and interested in the oversharing small talk...we ran a huge event last weekend of which she brought an early bird ticket in March. I say brought, she never actually paid us. She told us she did, and that she wish she had taken a screenshot of the payment, as it came out of her bank but didn't end up in ours. Tickets when not paid for usually expire after 48hours...so in theory we should have sold it on. But we knew she was having a rough time and we held the ticket for her...for 5 months (in which she has pulled the same 'bank stunt' again with another event). She used every excuse after being caught out not paying (we asked for a proof from her bank) - she will struggle to get into town with pre op stuff and has declined friends helping her with this, her bank ap doesn't have a history, her bank won't email statements and they must keep getting lost in the post. Every excuse. 3 days before the event we told her that no money=no entry...she would need to pay the £109 in cash on arrival and we would make an exception for her as we where now sold out. She didn't turn up. But did want to come to the Friday night and suggestef she paid £10 as she didn't want to miss out...we agreed, she danced, happy days, win win. She then turned back up on Saturday daytime and milled around the venue, with her entry wristband still on. I politely asked her to stay in the bar area as she hadn't paid. She left. She turned back up again in the evening(with wristband) and said her friend was inside whom she was going out with, could she just nip inside and find her. I okay it - she was about 20 minutes socialising before she left.She turned up again at 1.30am (3am finsih) and tried to sneak past into the hall again...got in, got spotted and scarpered before either of us could approach her. We both felt very much that she took the piss, and I politely let her know that she should not turn up on Sunday as she was being cheeky/pushing her luck.

Anyway she had the operation yesterday, posted updates all over FB etc - not my style but okay, it's how she copes. Then messaged us at 5.30am...knowing we go to bed after our events at 1.30am earliest. Saying she hadn't felt up to messaging earlier but she's now hooked up to XY and Z drugs and that she hasn't done a wee yet etc. It woke us both up and me getting larger and struggling to sleep I didn't really get back to any quality sleep...woke up felt shite and ended up crying out of frustration. My partner replied to the 3 way chat on FB at 5.30am to say we're happy the op went well but that we needed to sleep. I want to be able to keep my phone on, our 2 younger children are on holiday, we both have infirm elderly parents and I would feel awful if we missed a crucial night time phone call.

AIBU to reply to this lady and say unless it's an an emergency that we are needed for (although it would be very odd to be the ones she called in the night for an emergency - its just not that relationship) please don't contact us outside of usual waking hours 11pm-8am is a no no - sleep is precious to us and we want to make the most of it before we have newborn..

Is that too much to ask? I feel her message was attention seeking....but at 5.30am...come on...bearing in mind if it had been at 9am she would have received 2 Pleasant replies making sure she was okay and wishing her speedy recoveries etc.

OP posts:
IdaDown · 17/08/2017 12:13

Second phone (new number) for family / friends / doctors / day jobs etc...

Use old number for work only.

Same with email / Social media contacts etc...

When you're not running the dance class / events you can switch off and only respond when it suits you.

Loungepants · 17/08/2017 12:17

Can't you turn off notifications for FB messages? Surely it doesn't matter what time somebody sends an FB message. Why did your partner reply to her?

I think you're making this overly complicated. Also, I think YABU to think her asthma attacks were made up.

Lonoxo · 17/08/2017 12:25

Agreed about the second phone.

If she doesn't pay you, would banning her be an option? Harsh, I know but you are running a business and I think she is taking advantage of your kind nature. I think it is best to separate work and personal life.

thehousethatjillbuilt · 17/08/2017 14:01

If you have an iPhone you can put "do not disturb" on. Advise your parents and children and children's carers to ring one and then try again straight away.

You can set it up to ring if the same number calls twice within 3 mins. Otherwise it doesn't make noise.

Siwdmae · 17/08/2017 15:07

I would block her, frankly and withdraw at 100mph. She sounds like a total PITA and I doubt you'd miss her 'business'.

amicissimma · 17/08/2017 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FuckYouLinda · 17/08/2017 15:15

Someone I know runs classes and had to manage out someone who was a PITA. She gets paid for a 6 week block so pretended to the PITA that she was supposed to have notified her/paid in advance to hold the spot so she gave it away to the next person on the waiting list.

Could that work for your class?

I'd have to take her aside when I saw her next and talk sternly about the texts - who the fuck thinks it's acceptable to text anyone at 5.30am?? And in addition, a pregnant woman?
She's a gobshite, and I'd be civilly polite but distant after this.

OfficerVanHalen · 17/08/2017 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShakeShakeTheMuffin · 17/08/2017 15:20

You can do 'do not disturb' on android too. You can exclude certain numbers from that setting so that family etc could be allowed through but other numbers not. Alternatively get a phone with two sim slots. Two handsets seems overkill to me.

EssentialHummus · 17/08/2017 15:22

If she's not paying (repeatedly!) then a "Very sorry, but in the past we've had people take advantage with repeated non-payment. We've still not received payment from you for x and y. You're no longer welcome to attend [event]."

yorkshireyummymummy · 17/08/2017 15:37

You are NOT being unreasonable! I wouldn't expect a friend to message me at 5.30, never mind a client! You or your hubby need to tell her firmly not to do that again and remind her of the difference between a client - business relationship and a friend- friend relationship. If you have any more problems with her regarding payment I would tell her that her custom is no longer welcome. If all of your clients were like her you would go bust. You are running a business not a counselling service. It's not nice to be firm but I do believe it's better in the long term for all involved. It's frankly innapropriate that she is trying to pull you into her personal life and unless you want more than this you need to establish firm boundaries or think about accepting no more business from her. I feel sorry for her but you are not the ones to help her. Good luck with the baby BTW!!!

PugOnToast · 17/08/2017 15:56

If you have an iPhone you can set it to do not disturb through anti social hours. It will only let designated numbers through.

However you are facilitating this drama. She most certainly isn't your friend. She is your customer and your boundaries are non existent. Have a 9-5 phone number you answer then all calls messages outside those hours get answered the next day.

Wtf are you chatting to her at 5.30am? No one, NO ONE else would be unless they were a good friend.

You are running a business not a meeting group for piss takers

RiotAndAlarum · 17/08/2017 15:56

She's not even a paying client!! Go no-tolerance and no-credit on her before she pisses off any real clients who then leave. Also, tell her off straight out about the overnight contact. That's not only inappropriate but fucking annoying!

User843022 · 17/08/2017 16:01

'Second phone (new number) for family / friends / doctors / day jobs etc...Use old number for work only.Same with email / Social media contacts etc...When you're not running the dance class / events you can switch off and only respond when it suits you.'

This ^

Take back some control, distance yourself.

JennyWoodentop · 17/08/2017 16:01

You need to set firmer boundaries - you are giving her too many chances as you feel sorry for her and she's taking you for a fool.

Regarding the events - no one gets in without paying. Payment is deemed to have been made when the money reaches your account, not when she claims it left hers - you don't need statements or "proof" from her bank, you need the money in your account. Her alleged problems with her bank are for her to deal with, you don't need to hear about it.

If this is a work relationship do not take calls outside of business hours - so if that means a second phone, blocking her or putting the phone on do not disturb - do whatever it takes. The problem is, by listening to her and being , to quote you, her shoulder to cry on, you have blurred the boundaries and encouraged her to think of it as a friendship relationship - you are her shoulder to cry on one minute, but not wanting to take her calls if it doesn't suit you the next minute. I think you have to decide which you want it to be and let her know without being too rude or cruel.

User843022 · 17/08/2017 16:02

Alternatively block her number.

MadamePomfrey · 17/08/2017 16:12

iPhones to do not disturb or turn Facebook notifications off for a start. You say you have to stay polite as she's a customer, but if she's not paying you I would think twice about if you need her custom. Unfriend on social media, only reply to work messages and treat her like any other customer if she doesn't pay she doesn't get in. She is a customer not a friend keep it professional.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 17/08/2017 16:23

Why does she even have your social media ? She's a client not a friend.

Stop treating her like one - although that will be difficult now. I would just be "busy" or "not able to talk" a lot if I were you.

Only respond to client/customer related stuff.

Beadieeye · 17/08/2017 16:49

I think you've both blurred the lines between being cordial to clients and friendship. On your part maybe to detract from her being so pally with your OH? And her because she's just a general attention seeker or has thought you had a genuine friendship.
You say you keep your distance but you do have her on social media and you know a lot of details about her life down to her being lonely.
Why not just turn off your notifications during the night or switch your phone off so that only your partner can be reached in a genuine emergency? I get messages at all hours but I just see them in the morning when I wake up. Sleep/bedtime gets messed up when you're in hospital, she may have just assumed you'd get the message when you woke up.
Stop taking an interest in her if you aren't interested in her and clamp down on the non-payments.

Sparkletastic · 17/08/2017 17:01

She's a piss taker and you are sending her mixed messages. Block her from your personal social media. Insist on payment received and verified in advance for future classes and events. Cut her off when she starts to overshare. Be cordial and professional but maintain personal boundaries.

imokit · 17/08/2017 17:07

Android - set to priority calls only. You can then set as many numbers as you want as priority eg family.

blacksax · 17/08/2017 17:32

She's lost sight of the fact that you are running a business and she is a customer. She needs reminding.

Starlight2345 · 17/08/2017 19:16

I agree ..Bring this back to business.. Remove customers from Social Media. Set up a business FB page if you want . Important rules of business..They are not your friends , they are people paying for a service.

Kailoer · 17/08/2017 20:06

I think you've allowed very blurry boundaries to develop

You need to step back, what you've described as being polite is the sort of stuff onlyfriends do

You need a phone set up that's more professional too

icelollycraving · 17/08/2017 20:16

I think you need to get a work number. Block her from your personal number. Maybe send a generic 'our business hours are 11-8' then switch them off.
She sounds a pita.

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