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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About smoking around baby

15 replies

user1471433387 · 16/08/2017 22:54

I'm currently staying at DH's nan's bungalow for the night with our 3 month old. Earlier in the evening she was smoking in the conservatory but I could still smell it in the dining room where I was sitting. I moved to the living room where I was feeding my baby and she started smoking at the dining table. It is open plan.

DH suggested I take the baby to bed as she was sleeping anyway so now I'm holed up in the bedroom. When DH came in to check on me I said I thought it was unacceptable she was smoking in the same room as the baby. He said as his nan is older (85) she probably doesn't know any better and not to make an awkward situation.

Am I being over the top? I have asthma myself (although it is very mild and well controlled) so avoid being around smoke anyway.

OP posts:

melonribena · 16/08/2017 22:58

You're not being over the top. Maybe a quiet word about smoking in a different room

PandorasXbox · 16/08/2017 22:59

No you're not being over the top. I'm a bit surprised the nan's smoking wasn't discussed before you went to stay though.

Are you leaving tomorrow?

Aquamarine1029 · 16/08/2017 23:02

Oh Jesus, she's 85. Probably still thinks smoking is "good for digestion." I would be as upset as you are but I don't see any good coming out of speaking to her about it. Just don't stay there again. I seriously doubt one night will harm your baby.

Original poster

user1471433387 · 16/08/2017 23:10

DH and me did discuss his nan's smoking some time ago, before we had the baby. I had read that smokers should change their clothes before they hold a baby. DH thought this was excessive because we don't live in the U.K. so will likely only see her once a year. I did say to him that I thought it was unacceptable for anyone to smoke around DD. I thought we were on the same page about smoking. But maybe he should have discussed it with her before we visited. His mum was also smoking around DD but this was outside so I let it go.

We are leaving tomorrow afternoon luckily.

OP posts:

StripeyDeckchair · 16/08/2017 23:11

Well I wouldn't go & stay with anyone who smokes.
I hate the smell, the way it affects my breathing & the way everything in a smokers house smells of smoke - curtains, furniture etc
I certainly wouldn't take my children to stay in a smokers house.

At the end of the day you've chosen to stay with a smoker, it's their home so their rules, you should have raised this as an issue before you went there & been prepared to stay elsewhere if they didn't offer to compromise on their smoking while you were there.

Original poster

user1471433387 · 16/08/2017 23:12

She was saying earlier how she's pleased she didn't live up north because of the blacks and P*kis so I had decided then I didn't want to visit again

OP posts:

PollyFlint · 16/08/2017 23:14

It's not ideal but as Aquamarine said, a single night isn't going to do any harm and you've taken the baby to the bedroom anyway now. I wouldn't stay there again, though, unless the nan is incredibly affable and won't be offended if you ask her not to smoke in her house. I assume you did know she was a smoker before you agreed to stay? Or is this the first time you've met her?

Some people are (incredibly, in this day and age) still pretty clueless and/or stubborn about smoking around kids, and with older people there is sometimes a 'It never did my kids any harm' attitude which is massively annoying.

PollyFlint · 16/08/2017 23:15

She was saying earlier how she's pleased she didn't live up north because of the blacks and Pkis so I had decided then I didn't want to visit again*

I think you are pretty lucky that you're only likely to see her once a year...

Original poster

user1471433387 · 16/08/2017 23:16

StripeyDeckchair - she's DH's baby as well and he was very keen we came to visit. In fact, he told his nan we were coming before we had discussed it between ourselves.

OP posts:

Fruitcorner123 · 16/08/2017 23:21

I would agree don't visit again or just stay in a hotel and drop in for an hour or two next year. DH can visit alone for longer of he prefers. I can understand your DH feeling its a losing battle challenging her on smoking in her own home.

Letting her hold the baby once a year won't do any harm I am sure but I would feel the same as you about it.

As for the racism - does your DH not challenge this? He should be able to say that he disagrees and finds her comments offensive. This is not about age, my grandparents would be older than her if alive and have never expresssed views like this.Age should not be used as a defense for racism it's offensive to old people!

Original poster

user1471433387 · 16/08/2017 23:22

I just overheard a conversation she was having with DH along the lines of her not smoking in front of DD but no one is going to tell her not to smoke in her own home.

Well I've learnt my lesson and will find out about smoking before we stay at another person's house... hopefully DH and I are on the same page

OP posts:

Original poster

user1471433387 · 16/08/2017 23:25

Fruit corner - yes he should have said something. I was thinking I should as well but just felt incredibly awkward. I'm clearly not white myself!! I know when I bring it up with him later he will say she is older and doesn't know better. I agree it is no excuse. My grandma is 95 and would never come out with a comment like that.

OP posts:

JWrecks · 16/08/2017 23:30

I am a smoker who would NEVER smoke indoors anywhere (that's really nasty) even in my own home that I own outright, NOR around any child, but I think I have to agree with StripeyDeckchair, in that it's Nan's house and Nan's rules. Unfortunately.

The odds that you're going to get an 85 year old woman who is CLEARLY very set in her ways to acquiesce to the request that she not smoke indoors, even only for the next 24 hours, are, in my opinion, pretty slim.

It's a horrible situation, having the baby inside around unventilated cigarette smoke, and I'm so very sorry you're stuck there dealing with it. At least it's only for a little while longer, and you can always use the excuse that the baby is in bed, sleeping behind a closed door.

OH! Maybe you could stuff a towel or something under the door to keep any further smoke/smell from getting in? Then if DD wakes up and fusses, take her straight outdoors with some excuse about her routine or that being the only way she settles??

On the bright (but actually quite dark) side, as she's 85 and a smoker, it's pretty unlikely you'll ever have to go through this again....??

PollyFlint · 16/08/2017 23:33

On the bright (but actually quite dark) side, as she's 85 and a smoker, it's pretty unlikely you'll ever have to go through this again....??

Actual LOLs from me at that.

SaS2014 · 17/08/2017 00:50

YANBU
But tbh I would if refused to stay at hers if she smokes indoors.

Our first is due next month and I've already said there is no way we will be taking our newborn to visit relatives at their houses who smoke. We can meet somewhere but no way am I taking tiny baby to a smoke filled house, even if they don't smoke while we are there it's in every room and on ever surface especially those who have smoked in doors for decades. It's a risk I refuse to take and I'll be damned if anyone makes me feel guilty about that!

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