Why do people fear Home Educators so much?

[sebumfillaments]

Not a TAAT but inspired by the other thread, I was stunned by the level of vitriol aimed at home education. Is it all borne from fear and ignorance?

Home Ed isn't about replicating school. And education isn't (in our case) about gaining qualifications from an institution to increase their value in the workforce!

So why so much animosity?

DrSpouse,

We did as you outlined - took DS out of his first school, HEed him to 'mend' him a little, then sent him to a different school (very carefully researched and chosen) - but then DS is in a low birth year, so school places and choices were available.

Had he come out of his second school returned to selective mutism (I can still remember the fear, standing in the playground, waiting for him to come out from his first full day), we would have returned to HE, because I would then have known that it was 'School' as an institution rather than 'that school' as an individual place, that was the issue.

However there are posters in this thread who have tried multiple schools before having to adopt the HE route - and those I have enormous sympathy for.

What do they do?

Struggle. Suffer. Deteriorate. Become further depressed, further behind academically, further withdrawn socially, disengage altogether.

I also think that in some cases the damage caused by the first school is so great, and the child's consequent difficulties (and parent's distrust and anxiety) so severe, that no 'new school', however good it could have been as the 'initial school', could undo the damage and be a positive experience. As I aid, DS's difficulties were still apparent post HE, up to 5 years down the line back in school, but his difficulties were relatively mild and his suffering relatively brief compared with others.

But how do some children with these issues nonetheless find a school that suits? And what about children whose parents cannot HE? What do they do? Presumably they do find a school that suits?

I'm sure it must happen, but to my knowledge, I don't know anyone in my wide acquaintance of parents of children with additional needs, who have found a school that suits to even an acceptable level. The problems and issues just continue to roll but there is no choice but to keep forcing the child in there. I've two friends with children with autism the same age as my ds, their children are in school but one was out for three years being home educated, he's back now but still struggling. The other has never been out of school but is in a constant state of detention and demerits for lack of organisation, outbursts etc and his parents are rarely out of the school or not in a state of intense phone and email contact over the most recent incident.

Another thought, though - in primary in particular, the influence of an individual teacher can be enormous, for good or ill. Some children may have an appallingly 'bad' year - but then this could be followed by a series of 'good' years with teachers who 'get' them.

So it is not inevitable that a child in school who struggles in 1 year will automatically continue to struggle or deteriorate or decline - it can be much more of a rollercoaster than that!

I also think that in some cases the damage caused by the first school is so great, and the child's consequent difficulties (and parent's distrust and anxiety) so severe, that no 'new school', however good it could have been as the 'initial school', could undo the damage and be a positive experience.

This was us. Ds won't even set foot in his sisters primary now when I go to pick her up. He waits outside with the dog.

We are starting school number 3 in two weeks (for my youngest, oldest sailed through school number one without any issue and thrives in the school environment) If that results in the same situation as in the previous two I won't be looking for a 4th school. It will be HE. Not because there is something wrong with the schools but because there's is something about my DS that makes school torturous for him whereas it was the best days of life for my other son.

MsGame,

The school I teach in always has a number of children with moderate autism - it's probably typical of most primaries in that sense. The school environment is not ideal for them, and all have significant 1:1 assistance and modifications, but in terms of 'progress in all aspects of their lives', they do well and neither of the scenarios that you describe (HE then struggling / being in constant trouble) are ones that I recognise.

I realise the fact that some schools do accommodate such children well does not mean that all do - but nor does the fact that some schools don't mean that they all don't, if that makes sense?

There are a l o t of children with additional needs who from the perspective of school are coping ok but who from the perspective of home are expressing huge levels of stress outside the school gates.

So what would you all suggest for parents who can't HE?

Ms presumably you know a lot of HE families with children with SEN.

But you don't have school gate friends whose children have SEN.

There seems to be a lot of parents on MN with children whose SEN are met adequately in school.
I also know two such families very well locally and lots though other routes not as well but their children seem to be on a range from thriving to managing.

The usual suggested treatment for phobias is not "avoid totally" but "gentle gradual exposure".

That's why I said "I am sure it must happen" cant.

I find the judgement and lack of understanding of a school education from some of my home education friends is astounding.

Not all. But a proportion have made adverse comments about how narrow my child's education must be, about how much better they are because of all the activities they do, the friendships across age ranges etc, whilst neglecting to appreciate that a school education is only 6 hours a day and there's masses of scope for autonomous learning and experience and friendships outside of that. School is just a part of education and not the sum.

annandale,

I know - been there as a parent as well as as a teacher. When saying that the children I describe 'do well', i am including the reports of their parents as to how they behave at home in that assessment - I would never presume to say that a child is 'doing well' who was fine at school yet showing huge levels of stress at home.

I realise the fact that some schools do accommodate such children well does not mean that all do - but nor does the fact that some schools don't mean that they all don't, if that makes sense?

Lots do and lots don't and it's very very hard to discern which is which until your child is enrolled (or diagnosed). Moving a hood with autism is a huge disruption so what tends to happen in a placement that isn't going well is that parents embark on a long and fruitless negotiation, at the end of which the DC is still not being catered to, is exhausted and traumatised.

in some cases the damage caused by the first school is so great, and the child's consequent difficulties (and parent's distrust and anxiety) so severe, that no 'new school', however good it could have been as the 'initial school', could undo the damage and be a positive experience

Yes, that was the case here too, and for some of my DCs' friends too.

When the damage has been so great, it is just not worth the risk of putting them back in somewhere else. Not when they are finally happy and safe and not wanting to die anymore. Not when they are finally enthusiastic about learning, rather than feeling stupid. Not when they are making loads of friends and taking part in more activities than we thought possible. Not when they've found their voice and lost the nightmares.

If it were worth the risk we would have done it. But for some children it's just not.

The sense I get from your posts is that you are opposed to safeguarding monitoring, if that is not the case I apologise. I have made no comment on HE in terms of education.

My child was assaulted by a teacher in his school. He was restrained and came home covered in bruises all over his body and face on at least five other occasions. I know people like to think there must be a solution but those are people who don't have to go through it.

As for not having friends of children with SEN who are in school? Sorry I must correct you there, my youngest child is in MS school and she also has autism. There is a monthly support group of all the parents of children with autism that attend the school, which I attend, we are ALL struggling but there are different levels. Hence me having one child who manages in school and one who could not.

Sorry that last post was fir drspouse.

So what would you all suggest for parents who can't HE

They would have to do the best for their individual circumstances. There is no one size fits all answer. People have to try lots of different things to try and make education accessible for their DC. Lots of factors will affect what their options are. (Location, family finances, employment situation, available schools, support within schools, family support, medical needs, etc)

There seems to be a lot of parents on MN with children whose SEN are met adequately in school.
I also know two such families very well locally and lots though other routes not as well but their children seem to be on a range from thriving to managing.

You do understand the SEN isn't one condition, right? Children with SEN don't all present the same issues. They are all individual with different needs. You can't really expect all children with SEN to be fine in school cause some children with SEN are fine in school?

The usual suggested treatment for phobias is not "avoid totally" but "gentle gradual exposure".

What phobia are you talking about here?

My son tried 2 schools before we decided to home ed. I wasn't going to keep putting him more schools and pull him out if needed. How would that be better for him than being home educated? It isn't our fault SN provision is so appalling and every minute spent trying to force him into that system was a minute where he was learning nothing and his mental health was deteriorating.

There seems to be a lot of parents on MN with children whose SEN are met adequately in school.

🙄

I hated school, but in retrospect it taught me a lot.

For example, how to roll with the punches, and a lot of vital social training.

DrspouseDrspouse
"why would you leave the situation to stay the same without taking it higher?"

What do you mean by taking it higher? Do you mean fighting the school to fulfill their duty to your child? Some schools, for example where my son was, do not want SEN kids. They are Ofsted Outstanding and that means that they will not be reinspected unless there is a safeguarding disaster or the SATS results drop. It isn't in the school's interest to include SEN kids, and many, as mine were, are managed out. So for example, my son couldn't cope with playtime. He has hypermobile joints and tires easily but the playgound deliberately has very few seats, to keep the kids moving and active. We asked again and again could he have a seat, we would provide a seat, please can he take a chair. We were told yes yes yes - but it didn't happen. There would always be an excuse - we couldn't find it/lift it/he didn't want it etc. In the meantime our child was coming home with a muddy bum daily from sitting on the ground! It was ridiculous. We complained again and again, cited the Equality Act and making reasonable adjustment and the school said they didn't consider him to be disabled, but they'd "do their best."

After we got his EHCP (which for those who don't know, replaced the statement, and is a legally binding document) he had a diagnosis, and a full time 1:1. Except the school used her to do other things - she was effectively supporting ALL the Sen kids in his class, plus all the prep work. Our son became more and more anxious, terrified of breaking any rules (he has ASD and rules are a big deal) and the thought of doing anything "wrong" in school terrified him, from not lining up properly, not completeing his homework to 100%, not having his uniform on perfectly etc, and his anxiety went through the roof. We asked school repeatedly to reassure him but no, they wouldn't, and he stayed anxious. Every tiny tiny thing was a battle. And in the midst of all this my son started self harming on the way to school and could barely speak at pickup.

We threw in the towel. We went to the governors, the LA, the papers, but the head was very clever and according to the paper trail was utterly supportive yet in real life the opposite was true. And what was glaring was that the school and the head didn't want to change, didn't want to be inclusive, and didn't want kids who were an extra effort. I pulled my son out after Christmas last year, his TA was still there, teaching other kids with his funding, right to the end of July, so the head hung on to the funding.

As for an alternative school, the nearest specialist unit here is a 45 minute car journey. Aside from the logistics of 90 mins a day travel minimum, it's also private - almost all funded by LA but to get in you need to show that the local provision won't work. Our head will argue that it did work, and that they did everything they could. So we would have to provide huge evidence to the contrary, which would include further psych assessments, and good legal representation, and take the LA back to tribunal. The LA fight these placements, they are eyewateringly expensive, way way more than even the top public schools, and in the meantime our child flounders. We were forced into HE which thankfully is working out ok from our son's POV thank goodness.