AIBU to tell my friend she is self absorbed ?

[viktorya]

So, really not sure what to do and would love peoples opinion. I have an old friend who I love dearly however she is increasingly becoming more and more self absorbed. Every conversation is about her. If I do manage to say something relevant to my own situation it is immediately referenced back to her. I'm sure she wasn't always like this. I find that after an hour with her I am exhausted. She didn't ask me a single question on the two hours I was with her. She has also become much more pessimistic in her outlook. I really want to help her, it can't just be me she is like this with. AIBU to tell her? Can I / should I tell her and if so how or should I just slowly remove myself from the relationship. I have never met anyone like this before and I am amazed by how draining it is. Any thoughts or advice gratefully received... :)

I'd be concerned there was something going on with her - might she be depressed? Grieving? If you were going to broach it it would be useful to do an 'I'm a bit worried about you' approach rather than 'you've turned into a self centred mare'.

I had a friend like this. I would spend hours with her every week and she would talk in depth about herself and not take an interest in anything I said or ask me anything about my life. I am a good listener and don't talk loads about myself anyway, but any relationship has to be some give and take.

In the end, I cut ties with her. Life's too short in my opinion, to spend with someone so self obsessed that despite spending hours together each week she still didn't have a clue about my life because we always talked about her!

Following with interest. I have one like this too. I love her dearly but she rants on and on about herself and it's so boring. She asks 'so how are you?' But doesn't listen to my reply then switches it back to her. She is always talking about how well she's doing (work, love life etc) and actually I think it's insecurity- she has to say it out loud to believe it. She's struggled with depression and anxiety in the past.

The only thing that works is switching the conversation to something we have in common. Do you have any shared interests with your friend? Any old memories you can discuss, hobbies you both do? When she starts talking about herself again, don't respond, get up to make a cup of tea and switch it back. When my friend starts talking about how wonderful her partner is I steer her to something more interesting. Also have you tried asking for her advice on something? If I say 'I need your help with something' and get all secretive and intriguing, she gets interested and forgets about herself a bit.

Also try activities where she can't talk all the time.

This kind of friendship is draining for sure. I had a friend who got progressively worse, to the point where, she knows nothing about my life because she's too busy carping about her woes. Put it this way, I've had major health scares and some seriously crappy shit happen but she knows none of this because she's so self absorbed. Unless you're sure it's a blip it will get worse IMO.

I had a friend like this. I knew everything about every aspect of her life, all about her family, extended family, work colleagues, when Bob from accounts sister's friend's daughter had bought a kitten etc etc etc. And I would try to volunteer information about my life, but she'd always swing it back round to her and could barely remember my partners name. She'd say things like 'you know so and so at my work?' And I'd think 'no, why would I?!' But if I mentioned something about a sibling say, she'd never know their name or remember anything about them. She'd never ask how a holiday had been, or remember things I'd said I was doing to ask about (makes ME sound self obsessed- but I just mean in the general way you do with friends- like remembering they said they were worried about X meeting at work so asking how it went or whatever- fine to forget sometimes, but she'd never ever ask me anything.) The final straw was when I had a baby and on telling her about it she told me 'oh so and so called their baby that' fair enough but that was it- the rest of the conversation was on so and so, and some hilarious thing she'd done once with my friend, and then it was back to my friend again. I was just listening to her thinking- are you actually going to ask how my newborn is, or how labour was, or how I'm coping or ANYTHING relating to my pretty life altering news, and she didn't ( and had DC herself, not that that should matter). I remember just ending that phone call and shaking my head and wondering why I'd made such an effort for so long. Sorry OP, that's not really advice is it, I think if a friend was very close, I might try and mention it, as I do wonder with my friend whether she genuinely didn't know she was doing it (years and years ago a friend told me I was doing nothing but complaining and it was getting them down. I honestly hadn't realised I had been, things had been a bit shit but it was only when she pointed it out that I realised how stuck in a rut I'd got about a certain relationship. I was hurt at first, but after a while realised she was right, and that other people must be thinking it too, and I actually ended up realising what a good friend she was for being brave enough to tell me, rather than just distancing herself from me.). But ultimately I think you can't really change other people, you just have to choose friends who make you feel good about yourself, so maybe try and bring it up like another poster suggested in a way that makes it clear you're worried and she didn't used to be like this, and see if she changes, but if not move on. Depends how good a friend she is.

I am in the exact same position and having the same problems as Victorya and Winterview .
My friend is going through a tough time but I'm becoming more and more unsympathetic towards her. To the point I actually think she is exaggerating it to the point of delusion. She goes on and on about her self but only fain interest when I detach my self. Which often results in feedback into her stories. I would just slowly detach and pay lip service and see if she notices, if not slowly remove your self.

It is horrible isn't it? I made contact with an old friend like this after many years and soon realised why we had drifted apart in the first place. I don't really have anything to offer, as after one particularly exhausting session I just didn't arrange to meet her again, and we are now back to Christmas and birthday cards.

It's sad but if you stay in close contact you will probably end up resenting her - I became quite obsessed with whether or not she would actually ask about my life, and used to grumble endlessly to DP until he asked why on earth I continued to see her. It was a good question.

Would she actually listen to advice? If you said you were worried about her and suggested that maybe she try some counselling to try and change her mindset? If not, then take a break, or just let it go - sometimes we do just need to protect ourselves and if a relationship has run its course, gently move apart. Good luck.

Ditch.

As this is a new characteristic, I would put good money on it being a sign of depression. It's an absolute classic sign, when life is a struggle it's so hard to focus on anything outside of your own bubble and unfortunately you do become self-absorbed. It's especially unfortunate that at a time when you really need a good support network you seem to alienate other people. Looking at previous comments it's a real shame people seem fine to ditch a good friend in potential trouble.

Raise it with her - gently. Look at the MIND or Depression Alliance websites for guidance.

Hi Viktorya. Wondered if you ever told your friend or what was the outcome?
It's never an easy thing to tell someone were close too.
I had a similar situation except it was with my sister. I just couldn't do it anymore. I truly felt that because no one challenged her behavior she became worse and worse and people were dropping off like flies.

And I too didn't challenge her. I just got mad and kept my distance for a while.

One example was when I was driving to the hospital with my son who had pneumonia. She called me with some drama that was happening. Barely acknowledging what I was in and going back to her own drama.
Now I know myself that I should have said WTF there and then. I am not good at dealing with conflict. So I bit my tongue and moved on.

And one day I did point out some things. And I know she was hurt. I wanted to be honest with my own sister and try to help her see how her behavior is affecting her relationships.

She didn't like hearing the truth.. mostly because no one tells her... Unless behind her back...
And now we don't talk anymore. She doesn't call to see how her nephews are doing.. not that she ever did.

I feel very sad that we are broken. And yet I accept that I had to be honest with myself and her. I just wish I had been more honest over the years. Im sure that slowly we will come back and find each other. One day

So if I had one piece of advice for you and myself it's to be honest in the moments...
If she is rattling on about herself.. say it.. do u realize u have been talking about yourself for past half hour?!
Or hey!! Can I get a word in edgeways... Etc.. etc..

I hope this helps.
Personally I feel people come into our lives for life lessons. I need to respect my own boundaries so that others won't cross them. ( Always a work in progress) 😉
And I hope others will be honest with me if I do the same.

All the best for this new year. Being brave and true. Xxx 😆

I had a friend like this. We were close for a long time, but there came a point where I realised that I was only there to listen, and that there was little interest in my life.
If anything good happened for me she put me down, she was a competitive parent, became obsessed with something and pointed out how I didn't measure up to the standards she had set for herself and others- lots of stuff, and a lot more complicated.
After a year of coping with nasty digs I decided to let her go.
We are part of the same friendship group and over time we have developed a new kind of friendship.
I love her lots but I keep her at a distance as I don''t allow her 'in'. It's taken willingness on both sides to get to this stage- It's taken 5 years!

If this is. Anew trait I would be worri d about her mental health. One of my close friends is anorexic and when she is getting sick again she gets super ducking self absorbs and selfish and can't have a normal conversation, it's all about her. It's almost like an early warning stage she is heading downhill again.