AIBU-Birthday party and family.

[Aunti]

OK my DD has one 1st cousin who is 2 1/2 years younger.

I have of course always invited my niece to DD's birthdays and bought nice pressies for her on her birthdays.
She's a lovely kid who I wish I could be involved with more. But sadly her dad is block on that.

My brother her dad has never got on with me from being a child, tipped me out my pram when I was kid, hostile through childhood, called me a slut in my teenage years etc.
I always tried to keep out his way as a kid and now just do my best to be as friendly as much as I'm allowed.

Anyway a few months back was nieces birthday.
DD didn't get an invite to her party, nevertheless I went out to buy her a nice pressie the morning of her birthday only to bump into her mum, my SIL in the shop.
I had nieces present in my hand my hand as we met and confessed I had bought this for niece.
SIL said it was nieces birthday party that afternoon and that I should bring DD along.

All good I thought. The lack of invite was maybe an oversight?

So I wrap nieces pressie, pick up DD from school and arrive saying I'm here for my nieces birthday. The place is play centre and as I have now organised many such party's I know it's cheap and no big deal to add a kid on at late notice, even kids that show up unannounced like siblings of invited kids etc.

The party organiser searches for DD's name but tells me her name is not down and if I want her to go in I have to pay. To cause no upset to DD, brother or SIL, I paid and made no comment.

Later on in the party my brother complains about SIL buying a slushi for DD.

SIL warbles on about how lovely it would be for DN and DD to have sleepovers etc I've heard all this before but as DD is now 10 and DN is now 7, I know its talk and just nod and smile.

I get home and tell DH who goes nuts. No more of this crap he said, being fed of seeing me upset.

Fast forward to DD's next birthday.
It's a specific activity type of party where only a limited number of kids can be invited.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my niece given the history and limited number of spaces for the activity.

Also DH is adamant not to be taken as mug again.

:(

yanbu. It sounds like SIL is nicer than your DB. Is there any chance of meeting up with SIL and DN without him?

Birthday parties aren't as good a way for cousins to spend time together as family only meet ups anyway, especially when there's an age difference.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my niece given the history and limited number of spaces for the activity.

No. Not even slightly.

There is 2 years between my ds and dnephew.

We dont invite eachothers kids to the parties. Because the birthday boy has all his own friends from school, his own age. And the cousin is a different age and doesnt know any of the other kids.

Sounds like sil said bring your dd along to be polite.

I would still buy presents.

Thanks for you're replies.

I was doubting myself today after another brother seemed displeased DN was not invited to DD's party.

Loopy yes SIL is much nicer.
A few years back she broke down and told me my brother had physically and emotionally abused her in the past.

Since then she distanced herself from what she said.

Sounds like a relationship between you, sil and the 2 dd is the way to go. .

Keep db out of the equation.

No YANBU at all.

No YANBU

The age gap is now markably different in their maturity and interests.

I'd just maybe invite SIL and DN out for a girly day another time and encourage a cousins relationship that way without you "D"B having to be involved at all.

Use the limited numbers as a good reason why you can't invite DN (DD wants x people and that's the max) but do try to arrange opportunities for them to get together by going through SIL -are there any shared interest activities they could do -perhaps meet up in a craft cafe for an afternoon?