Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect my mum to ask more wyestions

16 replies

Chilliandspice · 16/08/2017 13:41

Hi this is quite long. Apologies. My parents live in a different part of Uk. They are both in 70s. My dad fell almost 3 months ago and injured his back. After a few days of severe pain he went to A&E and had x ray. Was told being referred to orthopaedics. No treatment given.,Saw orthopaedics about 3 weeks later who said possible spinal fracture and referred for urgent MRI. Told to not drive , bathe and given a brace. No pain relief given. Saw gp and given v strong painkillers like morphine. MRI was 6 weeks later. In meantime my dad has been in a lot of pain and not eating v well. 3 weeks ago saw my dad and was shocked how much weight he had lost in a month. I encouraged my mum to take him to gp which she did just over 2 weeks ago. Gp told my mum news not good. MRI showed up something and he was getting blood tests and a full body cut scan. My dad is very deaf and rarely wears his hearing aid( allergy) and so he didn't hear what was said and he isn't type to ask questions. Gp spoke mainly to my mum. My mum called me after appointment and told me it was what we were fearing. She was trying not to say word in front of dad. I said cancer? She said yes he thinks , it's word beginning with m. I said metastases? She said yes. When my mum was able to talk again without my dad I asked her to go to gp surgery and request copy of MRI report, X-ray report and blood tests he had in the last year. She went and only asked for MRI report but they refused after checking with gp and said gp couldn't release even if had letter from dad as was a hospital report. This sounded wrong. They said consultant at hospital would explain scan the following week. Mum and dad attended consultant last week and he said scan showed fracture and nothing to worry about come back in 2 months. Mum explained gp had arranged blood tests and whole body ct scan and consultant said must be because of weight loss. Mum asked to see copy of MRI report and consultant said she would have apply to hospital MRI dept. They left. No discussion about pain relief. My dad is still in a lot of pain and now spends day of his day in bed. Mum decided she would speak to gp as consultant hadnt told her what was on MRI. Today she spoke to gp who said only one blood test was raised for the bowel. She didn't ask about that. He asked her what consultant had said and she told him. All gp said is I am going back to consultant to clarify something about MRI. Dad has his full body ct in 2 weeks and will get results 2 weeks later. I explained to my mum that he gp should explain what he is looking for . Can't suggest metastases then not explain. Gps don't order expensive full body ct if there is no need and referral wouldn't be accepted by hospital as urgent unless reason in form was valid. My mum refuses to call back and request copy of MRI report. An SAR will take up to 40 days so no point. I know I can't do anything. GP won't speak to me unless Dad gave permission and to get that I would have to tell my dad which my mum doesn't want. I know I just have to wait another month. I just feel gp is being evasive. Why did he need to know what hospital had told her? Feel better just typing this out. My mum is obviously frightened of asking questions and is old achool that don't question a doctor.

OP posts:
Chilliandspice · 16/08/2017 13:56

Sorry that should say auestions

OP posts:
Chilliandspice · 16/08/2017 13:56

Questions

OP posts:
Handsfull13 · 16/08/2017 14:08

I'm sorry to hear your going through so much. It must be hard not being close by.
If your mum isn't one to question it all have you thought of taking some time off and going to visit. Timing it so you can go to the appointments with them.
I realise it may be hard for you to do that and they might not want you to but if it settles your mind it won't hurt asking.
I hope you get the answers you need

AlmostAJillSandwich · 16/08/2017 14:13

Surely your dad has a right to know whats wrong with him, why is your mum keeping it from him.

PoppyPopcorn · 16/08/2017 14:17

We are going through similar with the inlaws, both referred to hospital for tests and ECGs. I think it's a generational thing - many older people were taught never to question a doctor, just listen to what they told you, don't query, don't discuss, just accept what they have told you and no more than that. That's certainly the attitude my inlaws have to their treatment.

Is your dad in the position to query it himself? Any way you can get there and accompany him to the appointment?

SoupDragon · 16/08/2017 14:17

I agree that the only way you will find out what is happening is by going to the appointments. It sounds like your mum isn't able to ask the right questions or perhaps understand the answers.

booloobalooloo · 16/08/2017 14:18

Biggest issue that I saw here is your dad doesn't know what's going on. Big failure of the Drs but also awful of your mum and you. This is his body. His life. He should be fully involved. Maybe then he would be asking the right questions.

SweetieDarling11 · 16/08/2017 14:24

Can you ask your dad that you are concerned to see him in so much pain and would he mind if you spoke to the doctors to see what he says about pain relief/possible fracture/home visits as your mum wasn't 100% sure on some of the details Basically you would genuinely be discussing that but also you would have the opportunity to ask separately about the other item. I don't know how it works wrt speaking to gp as an advocate and with patients permission, but would something like that be possible? (I don't know).

Chilliandspice · 16/08/2017 14:26

Thanks for the quick responses. I wanted to go to the appointment but my mum said no it would panic my dad. I also think he has the right to know but she says no wait for the CT results. She has said I can't go to the next appointment. I just feel helpless. I'm hoping to go down next week to visit but my mum doesn't want me to discuss anything with him. I wish she hadn't told me anything.

OP posts:
Chilliandspice · 16/08/2017 14:30

Poppypopcorn. I hope you get good news. It is a generational thing.

OP posts:
Chilliandspice · 16/08/2017 14:35

SweetieDarling11 I sort of already asked my mum if I could speak to the GP. She says no. I will try and ask her again tomorrow. She just feels I am being unreasonable. My dad can't keep losing weight. His bmi is fast approaching 18. Having had a DD with an Ed I am fully aware of hiow dangerous rapid weight loss is. I ordered and got delivered a weight gain shake that packs 1000 calories in a glass but my mum probably won't use it.

OP posts:
pinkdonkey · 16/08/2017 14:36

I work in a hospital and I don't think the GP could even give your Dad a copy of the reports unless he has applied to see his medical records in writing through the correct chanels. They will definately not give you or your Mum a copy. Unless he wants you at the appointments I don't think theres anything that you can do.

Handsfull13 · 16/08/2017 14:38

Maybe you need to be a bit more forceful with your mum.
Tell her your coming to visit because if it is bad news you want to see your dad as much as possible. Tell her your worried and you want to ask the doctor questions and you will go along with any story she chooses to tell your dad about why you are coming with.

Oops4 · 16/08/2017 14:43

I feel for you OP, must be a big worry especially as the right questions aren't being asked, but I think you need to wait for the CT. I think the GPs has jumped the gun a bit telling your mum and certainly shouldn't have done so if your dad couldn't hear what was being said . It's not right for your mum to know and not him. She also shouldn't be requesting copies of his results without his knowledge. If she did see the MRI/blood reports would she understand them?

I can understand your want to see the MRI report but without all the facts it won't provide the answers you need. It has shown something on his spine. The GP thinks it is something sinister probably on the basis that he has also lost weight but the ortho consultant thinks it's a simple fracture following his fall and given the pain he's had that could well explain the weight loss. I suspect the GP wants to know what hospital said because he's made an assumption about what was shown on the scan and someone else disagrees. He's right to investigate it further but has perhaps contributed to your worry now. It's a difficult balance between keeping the patient informed and telling them too much too soon, before you have the answers.

I'd try to put it to the back of your mind (if that's possible) and try and remember that ortho consultant who has seen the scan is not concerned. Ask you dad if you can go to his appt as it really is his decision, not your mums. And if you are still concerned about his weight ask for him to be referred to a dietitian.

Fingers crossed it all works out ok

Dina1234 · 16/08/2017 15:07

Typical NHS. Is there any way you can go with him next time to sort this out.

Chilliandspice · 16/08/2017 16:45

Thanks all. I think oops4 is right and I just have to wait. I have suggested to my mum that she asks for him to see a dietician. She doesn't want to. As he will at most eat 2 small meals a day and rarely snacks he won't be able to maintain let alone gain weight. I know she needs to get as many calories as possible into a small meal - like refeeding an anorexic. I have pointed her to some websites about weight gain. Will try and concentrate on encouraging her to help him gain.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page