To be annoyed at MIL

[Ollieowl]

So the in-laws have been great the past few months but I've recently become redundant and they are annoying me! They still take DS every Tuesday- even though I'm not working - which is fine but they just took for granted they would still have him. And they hang around in the morning when they pick him up which means I have to make small talk and can't get on with things (I'm not sitting about all day watching Jeremy Kyle!)

Also we're finally getting somewhere with potty training and MIL insists on babying DS - carrying him to potty, pulling pants up and down, wiping him etc. - despite me and dh asking her not to.

Finally, she mentioned tonight that 2 of her aunts are visiting on my birthday and want to see DS. She said "I know it's your birthday so I told them you might have other plans."
I said sorry but I'd either be with my parents in Ireland or spending day with DS and DH. Cue huffy quietness....aaaaaargh!

AIBU to be annoyed with her???

I think you are overreacting. She helps you one day a week - not sure how she can ruin your son's toilet routine in that time. You are coming off as a bit ungrateful to be honest.

Sorry? What has she done wrong, exactly?

But don't worry- the "go nc" brigade will be along in a minute.

Wow, you sound very unfriendly and your MIL sounds like she is kind and helpful and good with her grandchild.

Please please appreciate all they are doing . I'd give anything to have a relationship like this with inlaws . Mine hate me and iv no idea why . I'd kill to have supportive inlaws . You are so lucky to have inlaws that want to help

Sounds like you only wanted her around when she was handy to you, now you don't need her anymore you want her to disappear until she can be useful again.

I can't see what she has done wrong either I'm afraid.
Surely if you wanted the arrangement to change you should have said something.
Maybe mil thought you needed the time to attend interviews/ job hunt.
You are so lucky to have help, lots of people have no family or friends to help out and really struggle for childcare. One day a week won't ruin any potty training, a child will do it when they are ready.
She told aunts that it was your birthday and you'd probably have other arrangements.
So she was disappointed is that a crime now?

YABU.

Honestly not meaning to sound ungrateful. They do help out and DS lives his time with them so I'd never stop their time with him.

Mostly I'm just hurt that I'm being made to feel bad for not seeing them on my birthday. I've never before said "no" to doing anything family related.

What does "go NC" mean? Not on here often!

Go easy on her OP. Presumably you will be able to rely on her again for childcare when you get another job and need her help. It sounds a bit unkind to just want her pushed out of your family's life when you don't need her. All DMs/MIL s who do childcare have some annoying traits/habits it seems. I think we just need to suck it up and accept them. My DM does things that drive me mad when watching mine (tonnes of chocolate, fruit never touched, too much screen time, dodgy non-PC chat ) but I make myself remember she loves them and is giving up a few hours of her retirement every week to help us!

Depends on the situation.

I find my ILs massively overbearing.

I am very lucky to have their support, due to the type of job they have, plus retirement, I can always count on them to help out, I am extremely grateful for this.

But it is just helping out, I can afford an extra day here and there at nursery etc, but always ask them as they are so keen, and are desperately put out if I don't.

But on the other side, they then seem to relish in the fact that we "need" them and this seems to be to them an open invite to just butt in on all sorts of things that are just not their problem.

It's like a catch 22, I do sort of rely on them, but I give them an inch and they take about 300 miles. If I don't they are incredibly put out and are even more overbearing.

"Oh you put DS into nursery the extra day, we would of had him. Can't believe we missed him." And the like..

Everything they do is incredibly kind, but it's fucking suffocating! Please don't come around to my house and now my lawn. Yes we could probably do with the help, but it wasn't asked for, and now I feel guilty if I don't spend all of my spare time or give up my only time with my son at the weekends because you are so incredibly fucking nice!

Sort out some boundaries; because next thing you know you FIL will have cleared your guttering out and replaced a leaky drain pipe whilst your at work, but then be put out because you refuse to do a 7 hour round trip one Sunday to meet family with only 2 days notice...

NC mean gong no-contact

I think your in laws sound lovely

Sounds like you only wanted her around when she was handy to you, now you don't need her anymore you want her to disappear until she can be useful again.

And

which is fine but they just took for granted they would still have him. And they hang around in the morning when they pick him up which means I have to make small talk and can't get on with things

Of course they just assumed why wouldn't they

And can you imagine if they didn't make chit chat? You'd be saying they never ask how I am.

Your in-laws sound great.

You are...sounding not so.

How old are the aunts and whose aunts are they?
Do they live far away and do they visit often.
I'd put myself out, even on a birthday if it was relatives that propbably wouldn't see dc again.

Yes great that they have him for you.

Re potty training. Be firm. It's not a MIL thing. Anyone who is caring for your child should respect your instructions that you give. Explain that if they won't follow your requests he'll have to stay home until potty training is over.

The your birthday just stay firm again. No need for any drama. You're an adult and you can say no. If people sulk when you say it enjoy the peace or ignore.

Simple.

It's nothing to do with this being your in laws. It's just you need to be a grown up and not worry about saying No.

"I know it's your birthday so I told them you might have other plans."

How dare she be condiderate!

Sounds as if she can't do right for doing wrong!

If she'd have said that she no longer needed to have her GS, you probably would have been upset that she no longer wanted to see him!

Re your birthday-perhaps if you don't go to Ireland/haven't anything arranged/have something arranged that won't take all day you could spare her an hr or two with her Aunts?

Thanks for the clarification of go NC 😀

No desire whatsoever to break off contact with in laws. They are v helpful and I get on well with them.
Just feeling a bit overwhelmed.

Cheers for all the advice x

"I'm being made to feel bad for not seeing them on my birthday."

Well she's obviously disappointed & huffy quiteness wasn't the best reaction from her-but she can't make you feel bad!

Would it hurt to let the aunts see DS on your birthday?
My parents are dead. We are hours away from rest of family and MIL when she was here was not interested in DD at all. Not interested in going to seaside with DD ( "done all that with my own") and endless tales of how wonderful & talented 1st grandchild was/is even when DD was older & in same room & whenever we visited her did it in front of DD.
There were times when I have felt exhausted & wishing I had help (DH tried but long hours &/or worked away).
So, frustrating as it might be, there are those of us who still envy you OP.

Over whelmed by them having your child one day a week and making chit chat. And asking if a relative could visit ds on your birthday?

She was disappointed. Thats all. She disnt say anything.

You are being quite ridiculous and sounds like you are looking for problems.

Are they your son's Great great aunts then ? Won't be around forever