I've had a number of step fathers in my life. My mother has been married and engaged a number of times and we had a fairly disjointed upbringing as a result.
My first stepfather was with my mum from when I was about 6 til I was about 9. When I was 7, my mum had my brother with him. He's my brothers dad so although he hasn't been in my life for years, he's been on the perifery.
Recently he was diagnosed with MS and he has been deteriorating fast. My brother is upset by it and I know I should support him, but I'm struggling... really struggling... to think anything better than "serves him right" and I know it makes me a bad person so I'm feeling guilty and awful about it.
The guy is/was a huge man who is/was very aggressive and short tempered. I don't think he ever really liked me but of course was a doting dad to my brother, and I don't remember him being quite so offended by my younger sister... just me.
There were incidents which i think I've blocked out, but since the MS diagnosis and my starting to feel guilty about how I feel about it, they've started to come back to me and affect me again. For example, he once almost suffocated me as a child by holding me down with his huge hand over my mouth while he shouted at me because I put stickers on the video recorder. He let go but not until I was struggling to breathe. He also used to send me to bed at 6pm no matter what and on a number of occasions caught me reading in the bathroom after that time as it was too early to sleep - more than once he shoved me hard enough to hurt and I remember standing in a nightie more than once trembling as he shouted at me while I constantly worried he was going to hit me. I can't remember a specific hit but I do remember slamming into a bannister after a very hard shove. I also remember, after being caught reading at night, him once making me pack a suitcase and sit downstairs crying until my mum returned from her weekly hobby, telling me I had to move out. When my mum returned she obviously dissuaded him but nothing was ever said abut it again. I also remember that he'd use his massive hands to wipe all excess water off of my sister and I after each bath before he'd allow us to get out and dried which I feel so uncomfortable even thinking about.
I feel so unreasonable even thinking about these things all these years later and I know i should be there for my brother but I'm really struggling to feel anything other than indifference towards this diagnosis and it's affecting my relationship with my brother. He knows all the above but its his dad and he will lose him soon.
Aibu to feel like this and aibu to not just get over it and support my brother?