To not know how to deal with manipulative people?

[MissMoneyPlant]

Desperate for advice. How do you lot do it? I seem to be in some awful life-long dynamic where Im always on the fringes so the first to be scapegoated or rejected. How do I stop it happening again?

Also, is there a way to establish who's a nice person who doesn't play these games? MN seems full of them!

Be wary of people who like to gossip constantly about others and the subject rarely moves onto anything else. This has been the common theme in my encounters and I use it now as my warning flag.

Thanks!
I'm also wondering if there's a way to deal with it and not get edged out once you realise the dymanic is happening?
I wish popularity was based on niceness, integrity, etc, not... whatever it is!

I think walk away from people who reject you. If they listen to others who might be leading that situation then they're not you're friend.

Be very open to the idea of making new friendships, take opportunities to meet up with people in different situations (eg through hobbies/ through chances to meet with other mums in different ways) I find that in doing that you often make a good friend along the way, as well as meet people you never really hit it off with that well - but that's fine too!

Avoid any sort of closed group.

This has happened to me several times: at school where we had little choice who to mix with; at the school gates with a group of mothers in my DD's class - again a group that was difficult to move out of; and in a small club/interest group.

The different permutations of people who are in and out of favour mean it is easy for manipulative people to play games. Bitching and analysing the other friendships within the group are both signs that it will not stay fun for long.

If you have individual friends and dip in and out of any loosely formed "groups" then it is much easier to avoid.

Your friend not you're friend!

Are you perhaps drawn to bossy, controlling types, the ones who make it all about them and not care about you? If so, you can spot these types a mile of and maybe stay well clear of them.

Chilli Not really, the problem seems more than I'm not particularly valued so when it comes to the crunch i'm easiest to drop, or something like that. I seem to be targeted by manipulative types and those who I considered friends just go along with them.

It's particualrly hard as I'm at the age where people are reducing their social circles too.

Mirai Hmm, interesting. I always thought having individual friends and dipping in and out of groups was part of the problem! Because then I'm always on the edge of the group, so if someone in the group doesn't want me around it's really easy for them.

The answer is not to care.
People who don't care seem confident and happy in themselves, so if someone drops them they carry on, also they seem like someone others would want to make friends with their easy non-needy manner.
Read some self help books and fake it, also counselling would help if you can afford it.

Thanks. Yeh I try to be happy, do my thing, have fun stuff going on. Actually, someone commented recently that I seem "very independent" but in a sort of surprised way so not sure what that means!
I'm generally quie good when meeting new people (although opportunities limited), it's more beyond that stage. I find it hard to go from aquaintance to friend. And when I do I find it hard to gauge/predict how other will treat me; because I think they will treat me the same as other friends but they don't because I'm lower down the hierachy, or something. And if a manipulative person wants me gone, people choose to drop me, not them.

(Btw, yes ASD has been flagged up by myself, but I can read body language (quite well it seems), make small talk, deal with emotionally fraught situations (involving others), people tend to open up to me if I do become friendly with them, etc. So if ASD is an issue it's not in the "classic" ways iyswim?)

People who shout and scream about how much they help others are usually nothing but trouble.

I don't have any friends because I spent years being used. I lost money, gave myself emotionally and got nothing back. I pick the wrong people clearly.

I have no idea how to handle this but it's bloody annoying. I know a couple of people like this - they are determined to be the queen bee and manipulate everything. I hate it. Some people are so desperate to be invited to anything these people do they suck up so much crap and it makes me lose any respect for them ally

Spud

Ishould Yeh, I just want to meet some people who see through and don't play these silly games!