I am increasingly struggling with the way my DM interferes with the way I'm bringing up my DDs. They're adopted, which is relevant as my DD1 (8) has attachment disorder and my DM has always found her behaviour to be a challenge.
I do want to make clear that my DM mostly has a good relationship with my DDs and they both love her very much. She has them for sleepovers and babysits occasionally so that DH and I can go out for a while. I don't mind her being firm with them when she's in charge; we always remind them to behave nicely for her.
What I have an issue with is the way she undermines me when I'm pulling one of them up for something. She'll jump in and take over my role, and mostly DH or I have it in hand. Sometimes she will hand out the consequence herself even when I'm there.
The consequences she threatens are for DD1 not to have the treat that she herself has brought with her, which has sometimes led to DD2 (5) getting the treat and not DD1. Then DD2 teases DD1, which she is particularly prone to.
Wherever we are it's the same, at home, at the park, at a restaurant. It's particularly DD1, who is challenging because of her particular needs. I'll say to her, 'Let me handle it, Mum', but the same thing keeps happening.
She basically acts like she's the parent. She didn't do all that good a job herself tbh, but she'll still say, 'I never had that problem with my children.'
She's always had this way of taking over, and trying to 'problem solve'. It's always 'only a suggestion', but then if we don't do as she's suggested she won't leave it alone, she'll always say she doesn't understand why we didn't do what she suggested.
It's all complicated by a difficult back story of her neglecting me, and my DB and DSIS when we were children and not noticing that significant abuse was going on. (The person who hurt us is dead so it's not a current danger I'm talking about.)
It's therefore difficult to know whether IBU or not.