To push DD to go to uni?

[Breakfast2am]

DD is 19 and starting uni in September. She has 2 favourite choices. One is almost 4 hours away and probably better that the other. It offers great placements, etc. One is almost 2 hours away and still good - placements, etc.

There is the exact same degree in a local uni (40 mins away) but no placements, but she says she can then come home each weekend.

She is definitely quite shy. Has never been to a party before, etc.

I think it'll be good for her. I'm not saying she should go to the one that's 4 hours away (although better) but at least the 2 hour one.

AIBU to think she'd be a fool to throw away the placement opportunities? Also, she can learn a new language during her time their (they offer that) and a week abroad. To just be closer to home??? 2 hours isn't really even that far, is it?

I don't know if I should keep encouraging it? Am I in the wrong for doing so!! Would you maybe even try and encourage the 4 hour away one!?

I would reiterate the advantages of the placements but ultimately it is her choice. She might not feel comfortable hours away from home.

I was a shy kid and did fine at an uni that was about 2 hours away. Admittedly did come home each weekend.

I'd say, encourage her to go to the one 2 hours away, at least.

Is the one 4 hours away her favourite choice, or yours? If she wants to go there and is just scared, then encourage her. But in the end, she knows best what she can deal with.

If she has already applied won't she have her firm and back up choices already made? She would have to go through clearing for a different choice i assume with no guarantee of getting on the course she wants?

I would encourage her to go to the one that offers the best course for her she might be thinking that she wants to come home every weekend but often when you move away for uni you get caught up in the social life.

You often get caught up in the social life*

@VestalVirgin it's just the better one.

@blueskyinmarch she applied to the ones mentioned and has conditional offers.

I guess then she just needs to wait until she gets her results and she can see how it all pans out?

My DD didn't get what she needed for her first choice and went to her second (much further away) choice. It has all worked out perfectly and she loves it. She too is fairly quiet and was never one for parties and drinking. She has made a huge group of friends and now seems to enjoy going out and socialising. Going a bit further away might be just what your DD needs.

I would be seriously, seriously encouraging her to move out. 2 hours is nothing - it's easily doable every weekend if she needs to come back that often. But she does need to learn to stand on her own two feet now and to become an independent adult. I speak from the experience of a family member who wasn't encouraged to leave and who lived at home until mid 30s, with devastating consequences for them and for their parents. What you want to avoid is a situation where she's living at home still - a kid can't grow up properly in those circumstances, or take advantage of everything university life has to offer. I'm not saying they have to be out partying all the time, either.

Is this through early clearing?

serf - I think the OP is talking about three conditional offers her DD has: one at a very good uni 4 hrs away, one at a good uni 2 hrs away, and one at a not-so-good local uni 40 minutes away.

I would definitely be encouraging her to make her decision based on the best opportunities available. Not all uni courses are the same in the eyes of employers.

If she's nervous keep reassuring her that she can come home regularly and there will be lots of people in the same boat. I'm assuming she's not clinically anxious? Stepping out of her comfort zone is hard but you can help with trips home, visits and getting her involved with freshers Facebook groups etc.

Ds2 went locally and lived at home the first year which was awful because he was living the student life but at home. He moved out the second year which was far better.

It's AUGUST bemused. In the normal UCAS round offers would have been accepted or rejected months ago.

So my question was "is this early clearing"?

I would have to agree with encouraging her to go to one of the further away ones.

When I was at Uni there was a girl on our corridor who was fairly local and could travel to her home town quite easily. She took every opportunity to go home - every weekend from Fri afternoon until Monday morning and often she would go home on Wednesday evenings as well. As a result she never really settled in. She was able to keep up with all her old friends from home so didn't really seem bothered about making new friendships at Uni. Everyone tried to include her, especially the girl she shared a room with (yes this was a long time ago and in a hall that required most first year's to share rooms) who was lovely and sociable and always tried to get her to come along to things.

Anyway she lasted two terms. After Easter she didn't come back but decided to do a course at her local college of HE instead.

FWIW I was shy as an 18 year old. I was from a small village and had certainly never been to a party or had a boyfriend or anything before Uni. But it can be such a good way to make friends and learn to stand on your own feet and was much the best thing I could have done.

Oh and just wanted to add that at the same time there was another girl in our year who was also shy and dreadfully homesick but she lived MILES away (Cornwall from North of England) so going home at all during the term time was impossible. However, by the end of term she was fine.

Sorry Serf - I put that really badly! I assumed it was a case of

• 4 hr university: firm choice
• 2 hr university: insurance choice
• Home uni - DD would be a shoo-in and could walk into the course in clearing and they'd be glad to have her in clearing.

Would that make sense? Or have I got it wrong?

I don't know. Maybe. That's what I'm trying to figure out.

Assuming matters are as Bemusedandpuzzled states, I would continue to encourage her to consider the better uni, but I'd also try to make her less nervous about it - take her up again for the weekend (stay in a nice hotel, etc.), help her figure out the local shops she might need, the walk to different parts of campus, etc.; offer to pay for her to come home whenever she'd like to; set up Skype calling if she's into that... If she settles in well, she won't come home that much, but the fact that she can should make her feel more relaxed.

@Bemusedandpuzzled is correct

Offer to visit her every weekend until she's settled??

She may well just be looking at one nearer home to prepare you for her results

She's considering throwing up both the firm and insurance for last minute nerves then?

Can you talk her back through why she made the original choices?

My parents pushed me to go, I dropped out after 1st year and went travelling.
Obviously I can't know what would happened if they didn't push me, but I was desperate to travel and think if I'd taken a gap year things may have been different.

I think she's giving undue weight to the journey times, maybe she hasn't travelled a lot regularly? I wonder if you could try the journeys a couple of times with her. 2 hrs is next to nothing. Even 4 hrs some people do as a Mon-Fri commute, which comes to the same thing as coming home for the weekend.

Unless she's driving, I can see then it's more of an ordeal. But trains/coaches are lovely, she can read, listen to music and study, things she'd normally be doing.

AJPTaylor has a good point. She could also be talking about it to mentally prepare herself in case it all goes wrong on results day (which I'm sure it hasn't!)