To demand to see the video?

[Greenskirt]

My SIL and I have a chequered history but get along very well now. She has a girl a year older than mine (6), they are great pals, play together a lot. She is a good mum, we share a lot of values etc and I know she loves my kids.

While visiting the other day her DD showed mine a scary video. I didn't find out until later that evening when my DD got more upset than i have ever seen her, shaking and crying with terror. She couldn't explain exactly what the video contained but said there was a dead baby. She said her cousin told her she was going to show her a scary video but my DD assumed something with spooky ghosts. She said afterwards cousin said well I warned you. DD was worried she had done something wrong and would get into trouble if she told and said she held it in as long as possible but couldn't any longer as the images wouldn't leave her head. She had to sleep with me with a light on. She's not oversensitive in the normal course of things.

I am pretty angry and it's made worse by the fact that these are relatives and this could get messy. I really want to understand the scale of 'trauma' by seeing the video myself, AIBU to rat her out and demand the name of the video? Also any tips on how to address this with SIL and also DD?

tbh, it's a part of many people's childhood that they've been traumatised by something they've been shown by an older cousin etc, so don't go in all guns blazing.

Speak to SIL, find out what it was and you can make sure that it doesn't happen again.

Just keep giving your DD reassurance that it was make believe and doing whatever she needs, light left on etc, to make her feel safe.

What did your niece show her the video on? Like watching youtube on a tablet or something?

How did your niece get to know about the vid? Older siblings or maybe searching the net by herself?

And this was at your SIL house?

I'd be wanting to know how and why they were left and able to watch something that disturbed your poor DD so much.

I know there's always something not age appropriate slipping through the net even if you're watching them like a hawk (I was traumatised by friends older sisters video nasties) but this sounds awful.

You could talk to your SIL without apportioning blame? Just discussing it because you're very concerned her DD has been exposed to something she shouldn't be and your giving her a heads up.

Then never let your DD round there again on her own.

Oh, and there's not ratting out/grassing up in talking about what's happened, you're a concerned mum/auntie who needs to know what's gone on so you can stop it happening again.

I would approach SIL with obvious concern for both girls, if her DD is only a year older it doesn't sound suitable for either of them. So frame it as joint concern for DC rather than an accusation or criticism of her DD. Hopefully then you and SIL can find out together where this video came from and exactly how bad it is.

If her cousin is only 1 year older, then this video doesn't sound appropriate for either of them! So just explain what happened without pointing fingers.

Birdsgottaf1y

Exactly this. Fewer demands and accusations. Your SiL May appreciate the help locking down Youtube (or other) video searches.

Approach this with your SIL by stating you are very concerned about BOTH girls. Don't say anything in terms of blaming your niece, after all she is just a child. Tell your SIL how important it is to you that the two of you work together in keeping the girls safe. If you go in with guns blazing, looking for someone to blame, this will blow up in your face like an atom bomb.

Your SIL is going to be as worried as you are about what they've seen OP, she might have already noticed that her DD has been stressed about something and this would answer some of the things she's been wondering about.

To answer your question - yes, I would watch the video myself for the purposes of reassuring my child in detail and making her feel less alone with what she saw.

tbh, it's a part of many people's childhood that they've been traumatised by something they've been shown by an older cousin etc, so don't go in all guns blazing.

Most of us wouldn't have had the same access to awful shit children have today. This child couple have been looking at video footage of bombed Syrian children or anything. Definitely ask to see the tablet and history and you're doing it for both children. You can't 'rat' in a six year old, it's parenting

I think it's really important that you see what is in the video and you need to be careful to take a non-confrontational tone in order to ensure you get to see it.
I think it would be sensible to say that your daughter is scared but ask to see the video because that will help you work out how to best reassure her. Don't offer any hint that you are uncomfortable or upset until you know what is in it.
It is a truthful point. You do NEEED to know. When you have seen for yourself, you can reasonably decide how serious your 'complaint' is.
Staying outwardly calm is the best way to help your dd. Even if that's not how you feel.

Thanks for all the very reasoned replies. I was actually In the house when this happened. While she would never have unrestricted access to an iPad, I didn't think twice when I saw them on it together in the next room as they often play games and watch Kids Netflix and I assumed it would be locked down like ours is. With another child, i probably would have checked
Somebody mentioned Syria, I'm wondering now if it was images from war/refugees. I remember my own reaction when I saw those images for the first time, and even now.
Good idea to say I'm concerned about both children, though while that's true I still feel mad at my niece and will have to wait a few days til I'm calm. I know she's only a child but I keep thinking of DDs little face and getting the rage.

Probably Trainspotting