To tell my friend she has disgusting table manners?

[Chrys2017]

I recently became friends with an older lady (in her early 60s) that I met through a community group that we both volunteer with. We get on well and have a laugh, and a few times now we have met for cafe lunches and the other night I invited her to my house for dinner after our volunteer stint. Anyway, I can't help but notice that she is very uncouth in her table manners, to the point of making me feel nauseous. For example, when she came for dinner she said there was something gritty in her food and she spat the mouthful she was chewing into her hand and then placed the chewed up mush on the side of the serving plate of crudites that was on the table, where it remained until I removed the plate! At the end of a meal she will invariably remove a mirror and toothpick from her bag and proceed to pick out the food from between her teeth at the table (she does this in cafes as well). What do I do?
(a) Ignore it? She is the same age as my mother and I feel odd telling her about manners.
(b) Stop going out for meals with her?
(c) Tell her—but how and in what words?
Any advice, I would be grateful to hear it!

B

B

?

Her behaviour is disgusting. I could not be friends with her and certainly would not go out to eat with her. I would back right off.
I had a neighbour some years a go who would belch and fart during meals. Actually lifting the cheek of her bum to let it out. She was in her 40s. I was mortified one Boxing Day when she was at my house and let rip in front of 20 people.
I gradually stopped seeing her and cut all ties when we moved house.

The pp mean 'option b', OP.

Yeah, I'd stop eating with her as well. The thing about leaving a lump of chewed food on the side of the plate is absolutely foul.

I assume her manners in other respects are OK?

Ah—thank you! I thought it was some kind of acronym. :-)

OP that's foul. My MIL after every meal picks bit of food out from between her teeth, examines them, then eats them. It genuinely turns my stomach. If I could refuse to have another meal with her I woh

B

If she's in her 60s, and assuming she has behaved like that for years, I expect some of her friends might have had a word at some point which has been cheerfully ignored.

Ewww.

Just Don't do lunch anymore.

Oops, posted too early. Should have read "If I could refuse to have another meal with her I would. So it's option B from me too."

I couldnt eat around somebody like that, id make alternate suggestions of places to spend time together, and if she didnt want to do anything else id politely decline meet ups . My dad sometimes starts picking at his teeth in the rear view mirror at traffic lights while in facing him talking and i have to look away. Ive told him it nakes me feel ill seeing inside other peoples mouths (and admittedly my dad doesnt have great teeth) yet he still does it, sometimes he even turns to me asks if i can see anything stuck in his teeth/is his filling cracked etc and opens his mouth wide whilst im still looking at him before what hes said has registered to look away. He aparently keeps forgetting that i REALLY dont like seeing in his mouth or seeing him messing digging about in it in the mirror no matter how many times i tell him

Yes—that is the odd thing. She is a very good person, devotes a lot of time to volunteering and helping other people, and we do have a laugh. And the weird thing is she has a bit of a clean fetish, which is completely at odds with this table manners thing. I'm very much of a live-and-let-live mentality but after the chewed up food incident I don't think I can stomach it!
It's going to be awkward because we have got into the habit of going to cafes and suchlike before or after our sessions, so if I stop going it will definitely be noticed. That's why I wondered if it was worth saying something about it.

If you get on well with her then I'd go for option B.

B. And I feel your pain. I hate it when folks have bad table manners..

I don't think you can say anything. It will cause huge offence and the friendship will be over.

Personally, I would say something. You go out to eat a lot, and like you said, it's going to be noticed when you stop going. If she asks why you're no eating with her anymore, tell her the truth.

So what would you all do with a half chewed mouthful of food which seems to contain something unidentifiable and presumably inedible which would make you gag if you tried to swallow it?
It used to be quite a thing to ridicule people for having food, especially spinach or parsley stuck to their teeth, maybe she is ocd about that happening?

When you're in a café and she takes out the mirror, say something like, "Oh, would you like to go into the bathroom to do that? Don't mind me, I'm happy here for a minute by myself." Or something.

I'm really bad at confronting people in awkward situations like this, but I'd also find the table manners repulsive. So I'd do something a bit wimpy like this.

My mum has terrible table manners, she eats with her mouth wide open and carries on talking, open mouthed, regardless of what she's eating. If we're alone, I tell her and she gets really "wounded" and sits in silence with her mouth clamped shut for about 2 minutes then just goes back to the open mouthed eating. She cannot take any criticism. In group situations I don't say anything as 1. she would kill me and 2. it might seem rude. But it's horrible and I wonder what her friends make of it (she goes out to eat regularly with various friends).

Carly767
So what would you all do with a half chewed mouthful of food which seems to contain something unidentifiable and presumably inedible which would make you gag if you tried to swallow it?
Spit it into a napkin and turn away from the table / get up from the table, then apologise profusely. Keep the napkin out of sight and away from the other diners. Not put the regurgitated lump onto a communal serving dish in the middle of the table!

I had a neighbour some years a go who would belch and fart during meals. Actually lifting the cheek of her bum to let it out

I had a friend my own age who used to think it was amusing to belch and fart in my direction. I gather it was a tradition in her family or something. I told her it was gross and I didn't find it funny and she stopped doing it. I don't know why I feel awkward about telling off someone older though.

So what would you all do with a half chewed mouthful of food which seems to contain something unidentifiable and presumably inedible which would make you gag if you tried to swallow it?
I would excuse myself and go to the lav, or at least spit it into a napkin and put it in the bin.
And if I wanted to pick my teeth I would leave the table.

Locked out this happened at the OP's house so there may not have been any napkins . . .

B - avoid anything food related - easier said than done though.

I had a long train journey sat next to someone who actually took their partial denture (one tooth) and placed it next to my food on a shared table. Luckily enough, I hadn't eaten any of my food, otherwise It would of come back up at phenomenal speed...

Some folk just don't seem to have any awareness of others around them.