Would this be unreasonable and too harsh?

[houseoverlookingthesea]

My friend and I are both mid-thirties and have a friendship that dates back to secondary school. She's lived with her husband since her teens and she was only young when they married.

Over the last eighteen months or so she has been opening up to me about the 'real' him. It's pretty sickening stuff and fairly graphic. There have been a few occasions where I have been genuinely fearful for her safety and the safety of her children. She makes me promise and promise not to tell anyone but I did have to tell my own DP a bit about what was going on as one of the worst incidents happened when we were on a romantic weekend. My DP wanted to call the police then but she cried so much and was so clearly distraught we didn't. We probably should have. It's so hard knowing what the right thing to do is.

She was fairly sure at the beginning of the summer that she did want to leave and I really tried to be as much help as possible. I can't go into details to protect her privacy but I did an awful lot. Then, she did an about-face and claimed he had promised to change and so on.

I didn't ever want her to feel her friendship with me was conditional in some way on her leaving so I tried to just be as kind and supportive as possible and leave the door open for when it all starts again. And of course it has started again and to be totally honest it makes me feel ill to think about. The other problem is that DP is now an ex DP although we are on good terms and thinks that the whole thing needs reporting and escalating. I don't know if that's the right thing (it would almost certainly kill our friendship) and if it would even do any good.

I am almost on the verge of walking away myself, of telling her I can hear no more about it as it just upsets me and makes me feel almost unwell. But that feels horrendously selfish and in turn would make her feel awful and probably send her back to him!

Help! What is the right thing to do?

I think although it's difficult, she needs support. It seems inevitable that it will all end in tears eventually, and she'll need someone to be there for her. Keeping contact with her also gives you an opportunity to persuade her that this can't go on and needs to be reported for the sake of her children, if nothing else.

Keep her at arms' length if you need to for the sake of your own mental health, but don't close a door to her. It could, as you say, push her straight back to him and put her and the kids at further risk. It needs to be reported for the safety of the children.

Well I'd rather report and at least know I tried to protect the children than keep the friendship.

I would report it. If she doesn't speak to you again That's up to her. You would be doing the right thing.

Reporting will make no difference at all if she says there is nothing wrong. Unless you've actually witnessed something then the police can't charge him on hearsay.

Many women are like this unfortunately, the police burn millions of man hours on them and then they say " but I love him" . It's shit. but unless you witnessed it, or she is willing to have him charged there is nothing you can do.

To be honest, although she probably appreciates your support, your first duty is to yourself. If this situation is stressful and upsetting to you then you don't have to stay so closely involved, you need to take care of yourself and your own mental well-being in order to be able to help anyone. Has she had counselling or spoken to Women's Aid? She needs to speak to people who are qualified and able to offer her help and support. Could you try nudging her in the direction of some of these agencies?

If you have real concerns about the safety of the children, there may be a case for intervention by authorities.

However if you are talking about reporting his abuse of her, this is a terrible idea. First of all the police can do nothing at all about accounts from people who were not involved and did not witness anything, even if they did without her making a complaint there is nothing they can or will do.

Furthermore, and I can't stress this enough, if he finds out that she has told you, and you have told others, she could be in grave danger. Also the most dangerous time is when a women tries to leave an abusive relationship, this is when she is most likely to be killed or seriously injured.

You cannot rescue her. You cannot save her. She needs to make her own decisions and look after her own needs. You can support her, that is all. You also need to look after your own boundaries, you do not have to listen to things that upset you, you do not have to support her to the detriment of yourself.
Encourage her to call Womens Aid. Encourage her to seek professional help. You are not responsible for her, she is responsible for herself.

Ovaries I think your comment is a bit unfair. If the op feels unable to continue the friendship it would most definitely not be her fault if the children end up more at risk. This woman is a victim, but ultimately she alone can decide to remove herself and her children from this incredibly damaging situation. Nothing that the op does or doesn't do will make this woman leave. The op is not responsible for her and should not make herself ill trying to help her.

I say all this as someone who learned the hard way that you can't fix this sort of thing for someone else. I ended up massively in the firing line because I helped a woman get away from her abusive partner on a few different occasions. I put my own life at risk to help her, but she still went back again and again. The psychology behind the reasons women stay in abusive relationships is incredibly complex, and op you can't make her leave. Making yourself ill and holding yourself responsible for the choices this woman makes for herself and her children is just not right.

You can't help anyone else at all if you crumble.

If you're concerned about the safety of her children (which you should be if he's abusive) then you must report. In your shoes I would tell her you are going to do it then report it to children's services. If you lose her as a friend then so be it.

If the op feels unable to continue the friendship it would most definitely not be her fault if the children end up more at risk.

I didn't say it would be the OP's fault and I did say that she has to consider her own mental health.

There's a section in the book "Why Does He Do That' which covers how to help other people in this situation.

Ovaries these were your words: but don't close a door to her. It could, as you say, push her straight back to him and put her and the kids at further risk

Thanks for your advice. We have both spoken to Women's Aid. I will continue to just try and help from a distance as it were.

I don't think it's just love keeping her with him. For one, she is worried about contact with the children. For another, she has a very difficult and troubled backstory herself. I think that she is grateful to him in a strange way, for being with her.

Stormwhale okay, my post was worded badly, I wasn't intending to blame the OP for the children being at risk. I'm not getting into an argument about semantics on this thread, it's the last thing the OP needs.

""This woman is a victim, but ultimately she alone can decide to remove herself and her children from this incredibly damaging situation""

That's incorrect, if we report children would are living in abusive situations, then SS can remove the children if the Mother won't.

It's only when we all stay silent and in effect, collude with the abuser, that children end up damaged and in some cases, Women murdered.

OP I hope your ex puts the Welfare of those children first and reports what he knows. They may be borderline on having involvement and this will be enough to help the children and their Mother.

It's either that, or everyone sits back and watches.

Birds of course you are completely correct. My point was more that the op cannot make her friend leave. It doesn't matter how much support she gives her, or how many times she comes to her rescue, if she is going to go back to him she will. I absolutely agree that this should be reported to social services as the friend seems incapable of making the right decision for her children.

That's incorrect, if we report children would are living in abusive situations, then SS can remove the children if the Mother won't

Except if he is, like many abusive men, able to cover and charm and make his family look fine to others, then there is almost no chance of SS doing anything at all. Almost no children get removed from DV situations unless there are other obvious signs of neglect, or documented injury traced to the parents.
So yes, in a likelihood, she IS the only one who can remove herself and her children from this situation.

Report. You will lose the relationship possibly. You can't not report.

Report to who? For what exactly? Do you understand the likelihood is that no-one can or will help them but it will instead make everything worse?

OP please don't take advice on this from MN, its too important. Listen to people like WA, they know what they are talking about.