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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my friend taking advantage or am I being a bit selfish

47 replies

Nutmeggy · 13/08/2017 09:32

Hello,

I've name changed for this as I feel bad for asking the question and wonder if I am being horrible.

Briefly, I have a good friend who I have known for about 5 years.

She is self employed and usually skint, found out recently she is probably skint as only does about a day a week of self employed work as it's hard to get I think, until recently she got benefits top up and rent I think.

When we meet up it's always at mine and I cook a three course meal and get wine and a movie, or if I have any club lloyds cinema ticket vouchers we see a film.

Never been to hers for dinner as she says her place is not as nice.

I've suggested she look at getting a part time job to help.

She is very poor with money, doesn't seem to have any to go out but has enough for a couple of holidays a year and Botox and fillers and handbags, she went away recently for a week invited me but I couldn't afford it as just started a new job and as I started half way through a month and missed payroll I had to be careful for 2 months till pay day.

I am getting irritated that I seem to pay for everything when we meet, she has 4 days free a week when she could work, but her choice not to, crunch time as she wants to come on holiday with me in a few months and I would have to pay till she could pay me back, she has also mentioned she is in rent arrears so I'm half feeling guilty and half thinking get a job, she has no kids and is single.

Sorry epic post, any thoughts?

OP posts:

originaldoozy · 13/08/2017 09:36

She is taking advantage of your generosity.

Next time she hints or asks about coming over for a meal say sorry but you can't afford the cost of a three course meal etc for two. Or ask her to bring the starter and dessert and you provide the main course and film.

As to the holiday, no way would I be paying for that on the hope that she pay me back.

She isn't a great friend, she is a leech.

Questioningeverything · 13/08/2017 09:40

As above. Leechy mcleeechyson.

If she can afford Botox, fillers and her fancy lifestyle she can afford to pay her own way. If she can't, you meet for coffee get there early and pay for your own and sit waiting.

Stop bankrolling her.

And definitely no to the holiday. I'd tell her no thanks, it's just a break for my family to spend quality time together

mineallmine · 13/08/2017 09:42

Yes I'd be very irritated too but you've let this pattern happen -easy I know but now you have to do something to change things. Next time you are arranging to meet up, don't volunteer to host dinner and see what happens. And for heaven's sake do NOT pay for her holiday in advance. Why is it that the holiday she wants to go on with you involves you paying for her but she can pay for the other holidays by herself?
Sorry but it sounds to me like you're right being used.

Original poster

Nutmeggy · 13/08/2017 09:44

Thanks, I have no idea how she affords Botox etc and holidays when so skint and in rent arrears, rubbish with money I think

Going to suggest we meet and see a museum or go for a walk as tired of cooking and using all my vouchers for cinema up!

And holiday no as I think I will feel resentful which will spoil it

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/08/2017 09:45

You're not being selfish, you've been a doormat. Stop it.

HerOtherHalf · 13/08/2017 09:45

You'll never get paid back.

Original poster

Nutmeggy · 13/08/2017 09:45

Or when she suggests meeting I will just say yes what shall we do

OP posts:

ThePinkOcelot · 13/08/2017 09:45

I would stop the bank rolling OP. You're not selfish at all!! She can get up off her lazy backside and work full time. Ohh but she doesn't have to, does she? Because, you're subbing her!
If she's in rent arrears, she shouldn't even be thinking about a holiday anyway and especially not paid for by you!!

BabsGanoush · 13/08/2017 09:46

Did she offer to pay for you to go on holiday with her when you were short of cash??

No.

Well then.

luckylucky24 · 13/08/2017 09:46

No way! Do not pay for that holiday. Not only will you pay the cost to go but you will probably be her purse whilst you are there.
You are right. She needs to get a job.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 13/08/2017 09:48

The reason she can afford these things is because you are bankrolling her! She is a user! Definitely so no to the holiday, if you go for coffee or lunch just have enough cash for your own and pay for that and totally breeze over the fact she is waiting for you to pay, when she comes for dinner ditch the 3 courses, do one and tell her to bring the wine

rollonthesummer · 13/08/2017 09:49

she wants to come on holiday with me in a few months

Wtf?!

She can want lots of things-it doesn't mean they are going to happen! I want a yacht and a holiday house in the Bahamas-can't see either of those happening?!

Have you told her she can come with you?

She is treating you appallingly but you are letting her. Stop inviting her round, stop cooking her 3-course meals!

Botanicbaby · 13/08/2017 09:49

What's your AIBU?

For thinking your friend, who can 'afford' holidays and Botox twice a year, should pay her way and reciprocate with dinner, film & wine once in a while?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 13/08/2017 09:58

Don't pay for her holiday, or lend her the money.
Infact why bother meeting up, or suggesting places to go, let her do it !
I think you'll find that she will quickly move on, if you stop providing.
You sound like a true friend, she most certainly isn't.

ADishBestEatenCold · 13/08/2017 10:00

"Going to suggest we meet and see a museum or go for a walk as tired of cooking and using all my vouchers for cinema up!"

Do! I predict she won't be around so much if you aren't providing freebies.

Original poster

Nutmeggy · 13/08/2017 10:03

Thanks for responses, I will not do holiday

She's not a bad person just hopeless with money, budgets on everyday spending then gets a store card somewhere and thinks it's free money and spends loads on it and is surprised when interest free period stops

OP posts:

emmyrose2000 · 13/08/2017 10:11

Of course she's taking advantage of you. But you've allowed it to happen.

Stop the gravy train and never, ever, pay for anything for her again.

LoniceraJaponica · 13/08/2017 10:15

Why is she planning on going on holiday when she is in rent arrears? Her priorities are all wrong.

I agree she is just a user. I wonder how often she will want to see you when you stop bankrolling her.

JaneEyre70 · 13/08/2017 10:17

I had a similar friend - she was younger than me, in a poorly paid job but always had money for make up, perfume and clothes. I paid everytime we went out as she always said "I can't afford to go out" but would have a new handbag.... I paid for concert tickets I never got paid back for, and even took a joint gym membership out that she paid for once or twice but muggins here got landed with most of it. I got fed up with being used in the end, and realised our friendship was a one way street. Some people are just takers, I think you have one too OP. Set your limits and stick with them.

AnnMeredithPerkins · 13/08/2017 10:18

why on earth would you put up with this? once or twice when your friend is going through a hard time, treat them, but a friendship is a 2 way street

DO NO GO ON HOLIDAY WITH HER!! unless she pays up front and sorts out some spending money!!

FittonTower · 13/08/2017 10:20

My friends never come to my house - my house is small and full of husband/kids and one of our little group is a single parent so we tend to go to hers so she doesn't need to get a babysitters.
I suggested we start a kitty so every one sticks a fiver in every week and the host takes the money she spent on food etc from there. Means the host isn't out of pocket and it builds up too so we spend what's in the kitty on a meal out at Christmas!

ladyvimes · 13/08/2017 10:21

She isn't 'rubbish with money' she just doesn't care about the fall out of leeching off friends and running up debts. She sounds selfish and lazy.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 13/08/2017 10:22

My thoughts?
I can see you ending up on Jusge Rinder, being told off for being a financial mug when it's so obvious what's been happening and what would happen if you agreed to this holiday idea.

Looks like everyone's unanimous too.

Ktown · 13/08/2017 10:24

She sounds stupid at best. At worst she is just using you as a mother figure to bail her out.
If she is in rent arrears but has Botox she is clueless.
My dads assistant did this to the tune of 10s of thousands. She is retired now living in semi poverty and reliant on the state and good will of others.
She couldn't resist selfridges. A kind chat with this girl might be a good idea and then just leave her to it.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/08/2017 10:24

She's no friend. She's using you like you're her personal soup kitchen.

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