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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want my own life

14 replies

ChocoholicsAnonymous · 13/08/2017 09:17

Feeling fed up. I have 2 beautiful dc who I live dearly. I am a SAHM. I know I am very lucky to be able to be a SAHM, but, my dc are so attached to me constantly. If I just go upstairs they are shouting for me. I don't really go out much because they miss me and make me feel so guilty. I still feed my 2 year old to sleep.
My mum is also poorly and I tend to visit her when I have any spare time. When my eldest is at school and my youngest goes to nursery sometimes I feel like I have to get everything done round the house. We have a cleaner once a week but still the tidying and cleaning is relentless. Evenings I'm often tired and don't really want to be exercising then. Getting a part time job also seems to difficult right now, I don't need to work, there's no family nearby to help with childcare or taking to school/pick up. I wouldn't earn much and what if I don't like it? I don't want to work that takes me away from my dc if I don't need to. But, I need something.

OP posts:
limon · 13/08/2017 09:25

Yanbu. This too shall pass.

Can you joun any clubs in the evening whrn DH/DP is at home?

How old os the dc you feed to sleep? We night weaned dc at 2 - I started to leave the house for DH to put her to bed and since then we've done alternative bed times.

ChocoholicsAnonymous · 13/08/2017 09:29

Limon thanks. I think it might be time for us to do the same. Dc I feed to sleep is 2.

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HeteronormativeHaybales · 13/08/2017 09:35

I feed my nearly 2yo to sleep still, but when I attend my weekly choir rehearsal dh is perfectly capable of getting her to sleep. He holds her, rocks her, she might cry for a bit but it's OK. I'm all for bf as long as mother and child want it (heck, I fed my older two for 4.5 and 3 years respectively), but it shouldn't be a complete ball and chain.

There's no mention of your dh/dp in your post (and I assume there is one as you don't say you're a LP). Why not?

ChocoholicsAnonymous · 13/08/2017 09:41

Yes Heter I agree. Yes dh works full time in the city, good job. Sometimes I've been out locally to the pub and he has put her to bed. I do feel like I am at their beck and call though sometimes. They are so demanding!

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ChocoholicsAnonymous · 13/08/2017 09:46

I need to plan more and be more organised. It's difficult because I am naturally more last minute than a planner

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MrsJamesAspey · 13/08/2017 09:48

Young kids are relentless and you are not being unreasonable.

Go and do stuff while the youngest is at playgroup, sod the tidying up, as you say it's never completed anyway.

Go for a walk somewhere nice and enjoy the peace, or go and walk around town and enjoy looking in the shops on your own, anything you feel like doing, it does make a difference if you make some time for yourself, if you can afford a spa morning or getting your nails done do that too.

It does get better, I promise

Parker231 · 13/08/2017 09:50

How about booking a weekly class at the gym and arrange to see a friend for coffee during the week?

Dragongirl10 · 13/08/2017 09:52

This is a problem of your own making...the good thing is you can change it.

First kick that guilt out the window!! they may miss you if you go out but think of it as you are gently preparing them for their future in a gradual way, this is as equally an important part of parenting as playing or reading or any other aspect.

Stop feeding your 2 year old to sleep there really is no need.

Get a childgate or two (l assume both dcs are quite young) in the doorway of the room their toys are in.

We had a small room off the kitchen when mine were small, which became the playroom, toys were kept in there and l had a childgate enabling me to cook, iron etc without mine (16 months apart) under my feet.

Establish a routine of mummy play time and children play time . where they are told 'it is time for mummy to cook dinner so it is now children play time/TV time' in the play area. If you are in another room use a monitor to watch.

You have to break this clingy habit as it will be a bigger problem later on.

I had 2 very close in age, a DH who mostly worked away and no other support...this is now l created a ( largely) happy peaceful home..

Routine that suited us, me and Dc

Eg up at same time each day 7 am, feed and change youngest, put him in play area with toys.

Have breakfast with DD (2) at table then bring both to bathroom with portable playpen, they stayed in playpen whilst l showered, often l would shower them one by one too, other Dc in playpen on towels.

They stayed in playpen whilst l blowdried my hair and got dressed. Then got them dressed.

Went out, back for lunch ( DS in high chair, dd sat in booster chair)
After, announced 'children nap time' put them in seperate dark bedrooms for naps, cleared up prepped dinner, put washing on etc.

once they woke would play with each for a while individually and together..'mummy playtime',........... they soon understood that 'children playtime ' meant I was doing something else.

Bedtime routine was pretty rigid, as by then l wanted to have some adult time.

Tea at 5.30 , 'mummy playtime' reading and cuddles, DS put in bed for 6.30pm and DD in bed for 7pm and left...

I always had my evenings free by 7.30 until they were 7and 8 respectively. Even now at 10 and 11 they go straight to bed at 8 and 8.30pm with no fuss.

I can imagine how frustrated you are and probably bored, so start establishing boundaries.

Make reward charts that teach them if they DONT shout for you for 2 days, they get a special treat or outing. If they insist they lose a priviledge.

Make the rules very clear, and stick to them, introduce a new rule once you have successfully nailled the first, ie if shouting for you is the main issue then start there. Then add new rules until you have the home life you want..it is perfectly doable.

I used to have colourful star charts in the playroom and refer to them in a positive way each day, discipine does not have to involve stress and shouting, just a quiet determination from you!

Once you have sorted your home life then you can focus on your personal life. Thats the easy bit!

Good luck op!

ChocoholicsAnonymous · 13/08/2017 10:14

Thanks for your replies and support everyone

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redexpat · 13/08/2017 10:25

Im recommending a book. Its called how to do everything and be happy by peter jones. If you want stuff to change you do need to think stategically about it and it involves planning.

ChocoholicsAnonymous · 13/08/2017 10:52

Thanks

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Artistic · 13/08/2017 12:11

I would recommend getting a PT job, even if it just pays for nursery. Just for your sanity.

DoorsAndWater · 13/08/2017 12:16

Just wanted to say you are not alone, I could have written your post a year ago, the never ending guilt gets to me too. Things will get better but I second spending your precious alone time on yourself Flowers

ChocoholicsAnonymous · 14/08/2017 07:58

My dc1 is 5 and he is just as attached and clingy Sad

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