First birthday arrangements

[Unexpectedbaby]

So I have started thinking about DDs first birthday arrangements, probably too early but conscious that this year has flown by so far!

My ideal plans right now is to have a little afternoon tea/party get together on the Sunday before then on her actual birthday, which falls on a Tuesday, me DP and DD will be going to the zoo.

We want to do a little get together at the weekend at our town hall. We just don't have space at home to have more than 4 visitors at a time and there is quite a few people who want to see her. I want to have her actual birthday for just the 3 of us.

This seems to have insulted MIL. I normally have no problems with her at all, we get on really well and I consider her my family and have done for years, however this seems to have put her nose out. I have explained that my parents and sibling all have to work and work in jobs where they cannot take the day off.

We very rarely have time just the 3 of us. DP in particular has quite a big family, who all dote on DD, which I love. It just results in little quality time especially when both me and DP are now working full time.

AIBU to want her actual birthday for just us?

Personally I would let Mil pop round in the morning.

However its up to you. Tbf this is all for the you, dh and the family. Dd has no idea its her birthday or will understand any of it.

Id let her pop in. Dd will enjoy it. My dd had her first recently and dh had the day off and we had both gps visit (different tines) my dsis n bil n children and one of dd friends. It was lovely. Dd enjoyed every moment.

I don't think yabu at all, you're a family and are entitled to your own space

If she pops round in the morning will she then go home or hang about expecting you've changed your minds?

YANBU. You ARE allowed to do things as just your unit of 3. MIL should understand that and not see it as anything wrong.

That said, if you get on well with her, why not say she can bob in early before you go out for the day at the zoo. Tell her you'll. e leaving at 10am (for example) so if she wants to bob in at 9:30 she can buy then you'll be off.

If she continues to have issues you need to get your DP to remind her of boundaries.

I think I may be better off going there maybe on our way out. That will allow me to limit our time there and then maybe pop into my parents in the evening on the way home. I also have control over it just being parents.

I think my biggest worry is saying, yeah pop round, that will turn into siblings, nieces and nephews very quick. We just don't have the space and it will take over the day.

I know it's a day she won't understand but for so many reasons we didn't get all the pregnancy milestones, DDs first night home had to be with DSIL, her first Christmas was hectic as we moved and I just want this day to be special, admittedly for us too. I also don't want to offend DPs family because they are there for us so much.

I think your idea sounds lovely.

If MIL is hurt (she shouldn't be) but as she really wants to see DD I would pop in for a quick visit as you suggest. Maybe do it on way home in case she invites herself along!

This is exactly what we did on my DDs 1st birthday. We had a lovely 'party' on the weekend for family - which consisted mostly of DHs many Aunties - but wanted to just have a quiet day for the 3 of us on her actual birthday. It's near Christmas so it's a busy time of year anyway and we see my parents and ILs regularly anyway. MIL left the party in tears on finding out we were not home for people on the actual date. She refused to answer the phone that night so I sent her a long email explaining why we wanted time together etc, how busy we were etc.... I then backed down and said we would be home either first thing or last thing at night but she pretended not to have read that part until after the date. This turned out to be just one in a long line of ridiculous things she chooses to get upset about and to date has caused issues on every special occasion... we keep trying but sometimes I don't know why I bother! I think children are not aware of their first birthdays and are the perfect time to just have for yourselves. After that they know it's their birthdays and want a lot of fuss!

Don't be guilt tripped! I'm doing exactly the same as you, actual birthday. Is, family of 3. Party, all and sundry welcome, is the next day. My DD was very prem so I'll be fucked if I'm letting someone else stick their oar in on what I'm sure will be a very emotional day

That's exactly the sort of thing we're doing. DS's birthday is on a weekday so DH has booked the day off work and I'll luckily be off for Oct half term. DH's DM, DF and younger DB all don't work, SIL works evenings and DN will be off school whereas my DM, DF and DB will all be at work so any gathering that happens on that day will include all of DH's family and none of mine. I'm not doing that, especially as MIL will make it all about her, won't think of DS getting overwhelmed and I'll end up saying something I regret.

DH and I are taking DS to the zoo on his birthday (Friday) and people can come over the weekend for presents etc. DH has mentioned a few times about both our families coming to the zoo with us conveniently forgetting that my family can't come

Your family is first and foremost your dp and your dc. Everyone else doesn't always have to be included.

I'd also be wary that how you handle birthdays/Christmas etc very quickly becomes 'tradition'. So if MIL pops over this year she will automatically assume she'll be doing the same next year. Stand your ground now!

I am so glad I'm not BU. I was starting to think I was.

It's a December birthday too (I know thinking way ahead here) and we are or for Christmas dinner with both mine and DPs families. Parents, siblings, nieces, nephews the lot so are very much sharing that day.

We found out about my pregnancy very late and DD came early so we have had very little for just us. We needed a lot of help so didn't even get to enjoy the shopping for baby's first bits together part. I jut want something for us.

We see families a lot, at least once a week. DSIL is our full time child care so see her everyday. PIL come round one night a week and we go to them some weekends. My parents miss out a lot because of working hours.

DP also suggested they come along to the zoo when I first mentioned it along with the convenient forgetting that my parents are working. Not very fair IMO.