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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does being single automatically mean you spend a lot of time alone?

20 replies

wishiwasinfrance · 12/08/2017 21:40

Before I start, I do value my own company. I really do. But ...

I am so alone. I have friends but they are spread around the country and have their own families. And I do work but for myself so that isn't really social either.

Some days I feel as if I am in a sort of solitary confinement. I try my best - I volunteer for Barnado's charity and I absolutely LOVE it but it's for a handful of hours in a week!

So if you're single - is this just how it is? Or do some single people have a life that's not hours and sluggish hours of solitude?

OP posts:

HipsterHunter · 12/08/2017 21:43

Generally yeah...

Depends if you live with anyone? Or if your friends are the type of people to meet up and hang out all weekend together? Is your work really busy? Things like bringing in a competitive sports team can help like hockey what with training and matches and socials.

numbmum83 · 12/08/2017 21:43

Yeah I spent the majority of my time on my own . I go on holiday on my own and seem to do most stuff alone and I'm doing more than ever now so sometimes I do feel like I'm isolating myself a lot ..
I live with my parents but don't have many friends to spend time with coz they are all so flaky these days . It would be nice to meet someone to do this stuff with but the more time I spend on my own , the harder I'm finding being able to deal with actual people coz they piss me off!

IrenetheQuaint · 12/08/2017 21:44

I am single but work in a busy office and spend most of my time outside work with friends or family, or doing hobbies. So no - solitude is not necessarily the norm.

Can you tweak your life to spend more time with other people?

Oysterbabe · 12/08/2017 21:45

For me it did yes. I saw friends regularly and had hobbies that got me out and about but there was still a lot of time alone.

MeanAger · 12/08/2017 21:45

It does for me yes.

Original poster

wishiwasinfrance · 12/08/2017 21:46

That is what I find Oyster as even when I am very busy there is then still a 'default' if you like to solitude - it's always been this way so I have no idea why suddenly I am finding it tough.

OP posts:

BanginChoons · 12/08/2017 21:49

I'm single and I have 3 kids. I never, ever get alone time. I fantasise about what I will do when I get some. Go to the gym, get a dog and actually have time to walk it, gardening, wander around the shops, read many books, sleep!

Original poster

wishiwasinfrance · 12/08/2017 21:52

Well yes, but I do think having three children is different to someone single and childless.

But anyway

go to the gym to paraphrase the Smiths, you go and you exercise on your own and you leave on your own, and you go home and ...

get a dog and actually have time to walk it - yes you meet other dog walkers but it's still alone.

gardening alone

wander round the shops alone

read many books ?

sleep ?

Are you confusing being alone with being bored? Genuine question.

OP posts:

goatface · 12/08/2017 21:52

Bangin- snap!
Also single and three kids and fantasise about the same. It is what you make of it I guess.
When I do get alone time I rush to fill it with all of the above, I guess if your feeling too alone then look to fill your time with other things?
I've looked into flashpack solo holidays for next year as I'm not brave enough to venture away alone yet. The world is your oyster!

Rumandraisin1 · 12/08/2017 21:54

I'm single but work in a shared office as part of a team all day, then play a lot of sports in the evenings, go for nights out (with sports teams and other friends) and am involved in various social groups. I enjoy my time alone (and am very comfortable going out on my own as well e.g. if I see a gig I'm interested in going to I'll just book a ticket regardless of whether I've got someone to go with or not, I also quite like holidaying on my own because of the complete freedom to do what I like - although I also go on holiday with friends sometimes and enjoy that in a different way).

However, I think if you are alone a lot of the time it can seem a challenge rather a luxury. Have you considered taking up a hobby or looking for a social group on meetup.com?

MeanAger · 12/08/2017 21:57

I'm ok with being alone as a default because I am an introvert and I find it draining being constantly around people but it would be nice to have a specific person who was my "go for a walk/have a meal out/watch a movie" person.

Original poster

wishiwasinfrance · 12/08/2017 21:59

I feel the same Mean

Hobbies are well and good but it's a couple of hours a week.

OP posts:

pambeesley · 12/08/2017 22:01

I've been on my own for 6 months and am struggling with it. It's mostly as I don't want to be alone and miss my ex.

Playing sport does help, its social and also afterwards I'm tired and happy to be just chilling on my own.

ImLizawithaZ · 12/08/2017 22:02

I'm single and that's how it is for me and it sucks! I have a job and hobbies etc but the loneliness I feel is wishing I had someone to share my life with for the big stuff and the small.

Punkatheart · 12/08/2017 22:26

Partner left me - have lymphoma which exhausts me, so I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never have another partner. Most of the time I am fine and I do have great friends - most of whom I speak to online. But I have very wobbly times when being alone really hurts, particularly when I see families etc. It does suck - so I send out lots of empathy to others in the same position.

BanginChoons · 12/08/2017 23:05

Are you confusing being alone with being bored? Genuine question.

Not at all. I don't get time to be bored, or alone. I am quite happy in my own company so look forward to having time alone.

I work full time with lots of people. Would a more social career route perhaps be better for you?

user1482443190 · 12/08/2017 23:09

Yup. I'm a pretty introverted person too, so kind if happy doing my own thing, however, if I can't do my own thing, like recently, I've been injured so can't do my hobbies or even day to day things, I can hit rock bottom. This weekend has been the first 'normal' one for a long while, finally my mood has lifted! I can feel lonely if tactless friends rub what they've been doing in, but in the process of binning them off!

HipsterHunter · 12/08/2017 23:14

Hobbies are well and good but it's a couple of hours a week

You need a more time consuming hobby!

My hobby you can be on site all weekend every weekend all summer and it's really social eating and drinking together in the evenings. If you're in a team it's even more intense and you'll generally hang with your team all the time and the team is more important than partners!

Also it's a very highb% of men so women don't tend to stay single for long.

HipsterHunter · 12/08/2017 23:15

Or get a cat or something, I can never be lonely with my cat :-)

BackforGood · 12/08/2017 23:21

I don't think it's automatic at all, no.
In your case it is compounded by the fact you work alone - many would work with a team of other people, and then many would walk to the bus / train, then sit next to them on the bus / train too.
Then I know lots and lots of single people who spend lots of time on their hobbies / volunteering - indeed, they have more time to commit than people with children and, to some extent people in a relationship. Then, all the others they know through doing that hobby / volunteering, then have things they invite people to - BBQs, nights out, going for a curry, birthday 'do's, etc., and so you are with even more people.
Some people who are single also have other friends or family nearby they spend time with.
When I was single, I was out every night - not 'out, out' (to quote Mickey Flannaghan ) but just doing different things with different people.

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