Hi, I would really appreciate some advice. I've recently discovered I am pregnant so am re-evaluating my relationships with family members and I want to know if IBU by cutting contact with my parents and aunt. Long, sorry.
My parents both had abusive (emotionally, physically) childhoods and my childhood was also abusive. Drugs, alcohol, gambling all featured at home. I was sexually abused outside the home from 12 as I never wanted to be home (not by a family member) although my brother remembers our dad abusing us too, which I do not. I’m NC with my brother btw and 100% OK with that and it has nothing to do with the abuse situation.
Ended up in care but went to a good uni, have a job I enjoy and a nice flat. I’m now late twenties. Stayed in contact with parents throughout and we had a good relationship up until last year. I went to their house once a week, spoke on the phone often with Mum etc. They helped out at uni letting me stay sometimes during the summer and lending me money that I have paid back. They have never really acknowledged or apologised for my childhood. That is quite upsetting but I’ve worked hard to try to forgive as much as I can.
I suffer from mental health issues so I know I can be difficult and this story is one sided although I am being as honest as possible.
Last year I was massively suicidal (problems with job at the time) – they knew I was ill. I was working more or less 24/7 and when I wasn’t working found it difficult to leave the house. They didn’t visit me once. Since moving into my flat in Autumn 2015 they have come round maybe 5 times and I am expected to go to them every weekend.
Additionally, I have asked to go on holiday with them the last few years, paying my way obviously. The only holiday we ever had together was a trip when I was about 11 which was one of the worst experiences of my life: dad possibly cheating with a 16 year old girl, mum sobbing on bathroom floor, being locked in an apartment by myself etc. etc. They now go on 5* holidays to the Caribbean (no change in income level between now and then btw). Dad always hypes it up like I am going, but I'm never invited loser to the holiday they just stop talking to me until they get back. Last year – at the time I was really really bad- they went on holiday my mum’s brother, who she doesn’t even really like and who she hadn’t spoken to in over 15 years, and his wife and daughter. The holiday ended up going really badly and they don’t really speak again now.
That they didn't visit me and swanned off on holiday when I was so ill really hurt and I started to reassess my relationship with them. Whilst we can have a laugh and I think they care, they are also often really negative and I realised it was having a big impact on me. For example – Dad is still an alcoholic (functioning), this causes loads of arguments that I witness and they both complain to me about. They have a financial arrangement that causes problems - again, arguments and moaning to me. They have an awful relationship with my brother which I have to hear about all the time (police involved, have had to give witness statements). None of that stuff is necessarily my business but they drag me into it by talking to me about it and arguing in front of me. The atmosphere there can be horrible. They never want to do anything with me and expect me to come to them all the time. My dad is always asking me on the sly for money (gambling still and drink) - really pressuring me. For context, he earns £20k more per year than I do. My mum works part time and earns maybe £5k less than I do. If I ask them for a favour – help laying my fairly small front room with lino for example – they do it but are really really pissed off with me and cannot wait to leave. If dad comes alone he expects money or drink. Politically my mum and I different on almost everything (she's racist, has problems with women etc.) which is tough anyway but you can’t have a differing opinion to my mum without her getting nasty, which makes things even more difficult.
NC happened a few months ago with something really stupid – dad came round to help with a very quick job (his profession). Neither had been to the flat in months. I already said that I was unable to buy him a drink / give money so he came already in a bad mood, started the job and then said they wasn’t going to finish it. I said that was out of order (as starting and not finishing would leave me in a worse position than starting at all) and he stated shouting and swearing at me, being aggressive to and frightening my dog, and stormed out slamming the front door. I was frightened by this point and locked the door. He had left a piece of equipment in the house and came back and started banging on the door. I wouldn’t open (frightened). Mum rang and instead of asking what had happened demanded that I give Dad the equipment. I – probably wrongly – said no, don’t speak to me anymore, if they keep banging I’m calling the police. That’s the last I’ve spoken to them. I still have the piece of equipment.
They have texted to say they miss and love me but I haven’t responded.
Since then my aunt (mum’s sister who I have never been very close to but has helped me out in the past by letting me stay) has had a big operation and her son (my cousin) has a terminal long-term illness which in the past year has gotten worse than usual. She recently text me asking me to come over and see them, and asked if we can be more involved in each others’ lives.
Given how sick she and my cousin have been I feel really guilty for wanting to go LC/NC. However she can't travel very far from her house, so is pressuring me to go there and to stay the night or 2 nights, and is notoriously tight so is unlikely to want to meet up outside her house (there are cafes 2 minutes away). I don't like being at her house, mainly due to her partner. He is a total wanker – passive aggressive creep, walked in on me going to the toilet (no lock but closed door = busy, light was on, didn’t knock), doesn’t acknowledge any of us at all, doesn’t say hello, slams doors, no-one speaks when he is around. Aunt insists I bring my dog; he hates dogs and is really aggressive etc. This reminds me so much of my childhood home that I feel anxious and angry and I don’t really want to go back. Aunt is also similar to mum (overbearing, controlling) and I find that quite stressful and undermining too.
The other part is this. Aunt let slip that their dad may have sexually abused my mum. I knew her home was abusive but I didn’t know that aspect of it. I don't know if it changes anything? I do feel more guilty now not speaking to her though. Mum and aunt are now not speaking and parents are apparently very upset by her telling me this and also that I am speaking to her and now them (told this by aunt who was really sobbing at the time). Aunt still speaks to pedo father, and last time I was there warned me that he may come over so I would have to go upstairs. I've never met him and I don't want to.
Please help me to know what to do. AIBU to go LC/NC with my sick aunt? Has anyone been in a similar situation? If you think I should go NC or LC with aunt, how do I explain? How to I deal with the texts?
Also, with my mum - AIBU? I feel like maybe given just how troubled my mum’s childhood was I should give her another chance. Being pregnant I feel like maybe this is a good time to be forgiving. However I also wonder how she could treat me the way she has and that makes me angry. I am also not interested in speaking with my Dad so that adds an extra layer of problems with speaking to my mum. If I go completely NC, how can I get them to stop messaging me? When I get a text from them it makes me feel awful - guilty and then angry.
No DP and no-one knows I’m pregnant. I don’t speak with any other family and I don’t have many friends.
Thank you!