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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have put her to bed without any lunch

54 replies

Butttons · 12/08/2017 14:09

Am totally eaten up by guilt and want to know if others think I've been a cow or if this is normal.

DH is out all day leaving me with 2 DC (4 and 22-months). Younger DD is going through stage of pushing boundaries. A lot. Which doesn't sit well with the thimble-full of patience I have most days.

Took them to the park this morning, then we came home for a late lunch (pizza, homemade with lots of veg before anyone starts). Older child happily eating while younger one just starts messing around with her lunch and pretty much doing everything but eat it (with me giving her encouragement to eat). finally when she pushed her plate away for the 4th time I just broke, picked her up and put her into her cot for her nap. She cried a little for about 5 mins and is now asleep but I feel terribly Victorian for sending her to bed without food. Obviously when she wakes I'll give her lunch and if she doesn't want pizza she can have something else but I just can't stop crying that I've been really really horrible to her. I just struggle so much on the days I'm outnumbered by them.

OP posts:

user1andonly · 12/08/2017 14:32

Tbh when a little one of that age is being a pita, it's not unreasonable to assume it's because they are tired and put them to bed, whatever the time of day! If they are tired, they will have the sleep they need, if not, at least you'll get a breather!

You didn't shout at her or be rough with her, you're going to feed her when she wakes, you've not been remotely cruel!

Stick a DVD on for the older one and put your feet up for a bit - sounds like you deserve it - it's tricky age (I had three and a DH who worked most weekends and it wasn't easy)

Original poster

Butttons · 12/08/2017 14:35

Breakfast of cereal plus 1.5 pieces of toast, pear for mid morning snack, then park then the refused pizza. They tell me she eats well at nursery so I don't usually worry on those days, just felt awful about picking her up and frogmarching her (if I can say that considering I was carrying her) to her cot.

betrand possibly, I've thought about it but just chalked it up to feeling overwhelmed with two young kids.

OP posts:

NotInMyBackYard1 · 12/08/2017 14:36

If doing this makes you 'a cow' then I am definitely the mother from hell!
I often stick my youngest in bed for a nap when he is clearly tired and irritable and I'm done trying to placate him. He can eat when he wakes up!
Don't beat yourself up about it. Also - your healthy lunch sounds ace, mine will only eat chicken nuggets and supermarket pizza! Not one vegetable or one piece of fruit. Gah.

kaytee87 · 12/08/2017 14:39

It's fine she was just tired rather than hungry. I had to put my 2.5yo nephew to bed without dinner or a bath one night. He had skipped his nap at nursery and by the time I got him home at 6pm he was absolutely shattered. I figured if he was hungry he'd wake up and ask for food at some point.

Goodasgoldilox · 12/08/2017 14:39

The food thing is so upsetting!
You see them not eat and that feeling of panic rises inside.

Hang on to this:
-children do not generally starve themselves and they can sometimes run on remarkably little food.

if you offer food and a relaxed time/space to eat this and they don't want it - stay calm and don't fuss. Offer drink - and don't worry. (Or at least, don't appear to worry.)

I would say - don't get in the habit of pushing them to eat and try not to seem stressed or worried about whether they do or not.
We all find it difficult to eat when under stress and pressure. If eating times are happy smiley relaxed moments -then all will be well.

It is really tough for you at first -it feels so unnatural! However, it works.

Polish up your acting skills - play the very very laid back parent who finds meals lovely and who never worries about whether they eat or not!

If you are feeling tearful a lot at the moment - you might need bit of support - or even some help from your GP. It happens to us all at times and is easy to overlook. This is much more important than whether pizza is eaten.

Doglikeafox · 12/08/2017 14:41

IMO 22 months is too young to be sent to bed without lunch as a punishment, but it doesn't sound like you did this as a punishment.
She repeatedly refused her lunch, so you went on to the next part of her day. I'd have done the same and I do think she is old enough to understand consequences. It would be no different to heading to the park, only for her to repeatedly refuse to come. Fine, you would continue your day without the park.

user7841794168 · 12/08/2017 14:43

She was overtired and wouldn't have eaten it anyway. Maybe take a banana or something to the park next time if you might be late back just to save yourself the hassle of dealing with an overtired hungry child. Been there, done that. It happens to us all.

sororitynoise · 12/08/2017 14:46

Yanbu. She was over tired.

dietcokeandwine · 12/08/2017 14:47

Look at this from another perspective op.

You offer lunch.
Your toddler gives you repeated non-verbal cues to suggest that she doesn't want food but is tired.
You respond to those cues and put her to bed. At which point she goes to sleep in 5 minutes, thereby proving your response to be correct.

In what way is this anything but sensible, loving and responsive parenting?

Give yourself a break Toddlers are hard work, especially at mealtimes.

Rossigigi · 12/08/2017 15:00

This made me laugh, not in a horrible way but in a 'I must be a terrible mum' way.
At the end of the day if your child is hungry your child will eat. If they are not, they won't. Please do not get worked up over this. Just have a cuddle once they wake up and give them a late lunch. Then get on with your day.
On a more serious note, are you feeling over whelmed with your dc? Do you have someone in RL you can talk too? I just ask as this, to me anyway, is part and parcel of feeding kids, not something to get upset over X

Rossigigi · 12/08/2017 15:02

Sorry didn't see your update (hadn't refreshed the page)
What else happens that makes you feel overwhelmed?

EccentricPickle · 12/08/2017 15:02

She won't starve, I promise.

We had been out most of the day on Thursday, out to lunch and then to the park etc. When we got home DD2, who is usually like a human dustbin and always starving, took herself off to her room.

I assumed she was playing. I thought she'd gone quiet so checked on her - she'd taken herself off to bed! I couldn't wake her she was that knackered. She wouldn't come down for tea, I thought she'd stir when she was hungry. Nope. I had to strip her out of her clothes while she was still sleeping, she was dead to the world. She slept through till 6am! She didn't starve because she missed a meal.

Ellie56 · 12/08/2017 15:05

You are beating yourself up here unnecessarily. You didn't send her to bed without food. You offered it 4 times and she refused it, probably because she was tired. So you put her to bed. She will eat when she wakes up. And if she doesn't so what? She will eat eventually - she certainly won't die of starvation. Try and chill out a bit.

Small children are bloody hard work especially ones that are headstrong. I well remember the days when I had three under fives to contend with. It is physically exhausting and mentally draining. Fortunately my mum lived near and she used to come and help out a lot and saved my sanity. Do you have anybody who could give you a bit of a break OP so you could have a couple of hours to yourself?

spewylewis · 12/08/2017 15:06

I did worse when my DS was about 5. He was so bloody fussy and one day I just refused point blank to pander to him anymore. He wouldn't eat lunch, he wouldn't eat dinner and so I gave him absolutely nothing else before bed. He woke me at 5.30 in the morning telling me he felt all funny and shaky

I was chucking cereal, fruit and cuddles at him like a mad woman that morning.

He's still as fussy now

CorbynsBumFlannel · 12/08/2017 15:09

Well I must be the devil incarnate then because I've always given my kids a few reminders to eat when messing with food then taken it away. I wouldn't be fannying round with different lunch options when they woke up either. They could snack on fruit if they were hungry and wait until tea.

babyboomersrock · 12/08/2017 15:26

doesn't sit well with the thimble-full of patience I have most days

just can't stop crying

I think you need to do something about the constant lack of patience and frequent tears, OP, even if it's just for your DC's sake. If you're actually sitting there crying uncontrollably over today's incident, there's a problem. Go to your GP and speak to them about how you're feeling.

winglesspegasus · 12/08/2017 15:27

oh buttons give yourself a break
your girl knows enough to even if she communicates it in a rather obnoxious way.
here in the states we have a term "the terrible twos"usually occurs between 19mths and 3yrs.
first tastes of power and decision making.
they just dont have the social skills to say not hungry,i am ok.

same as pushing the bottle or tit away .be nice to yourself= shes napping take the time to relax or cuddle with the older child.

Dixiechickonhols · 12/08/2017 15:37

Late lunch sounds like she was past food and overtired and just needed a nap. You gave her chance to eat she said no thank you in a toddler way (repeatedly pushing plate away) so you did best thing and let her have a nap.

Caterina99 · 12/08/2017 15:38

OP I'm a sahm to a just turned 2 year old. We do have a routine of nap after lunch, but sometimes he eats loads and sometimes he eats hardly anything for lunch. Whatever! He still gets put down for his nap at the same time whether he's had a huge meal or half a cucumber stick.

You offered the food, you did your job. You can't force them to eat and she didn't want it. Offer the pizza later or a bigger afternoon snack. It's no big deal. You are not remotely a bad parent over this!

winglesspegasus · 12/08/2017 15:51

adult dd just asked "is she teething?"
when twins were that age one would eat everything and anything even teething,his brother would only eat soups and soft food or not at all.
and as my wise chld said and others here have
she wont let herself starve,

AwaywiththePixies27 · 12/08/2017 15:56

She'll be fine. She wouldn't have gone to sleep if she was desperately hungry. Took me a short while for that lightbulb moment when my DCs were little!

Viviennemary · 12/08/2017 15:58

You didn't send her to bed without food. She had the opportunity to eat the food in front of her but chose not to. You did the sensible thing. Stop worrying.

Copperspot · 12/08/2017 16:00

Wouldn't worry about it at all. The food was there, she didn't want it.
She was overtired, ratty and needed to go to bed. She'll probably just have a bit more at tea time.

Crunchymum · 12/08/2017 16:01

Trying to feed a tired toddler is pointless, she'll wake up happier and more willing to eat. Don't worry.

BoffinMum · 12/08/2017 16:02

I would have done the same. I'd offer a glass of milk and some toast on waking and stick to my guns on saying that messing about with your lunch is not allowed (although she sounds like she was overtired which is why she was playing up, normal for four).

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