Division of labor

[RubaDubMum89]

I'm wondering how other people divide the household duties / child-care duties in their homes / partnerships.

Disclaimer: I'm feeling hard done by and am perfectly ready to be told I'm not! This will also be a long post so as not to drip feed and to give you a good idea of our day to day.

In our household:

DP works and I'm a SAHM. He leaves the house usually around 6.15am and is home at 3pm. Working hours are 7am - 2.30pm.

DD (8.5 months) gets taken up to bed between 6pm - 6.30pm and is usually asleep by 7 - 7.30pm. She gets up anywhere between 5am and 6.30am (this usually depends on how noisy DP is when hes getting ready for work as she tends to sleep longer on a weekend).

OK, so, now the basics are outlined; I obviously have DD until DP comes home from work, then we have her together until her bedtime, although I feel I still do the brunt of the work, he would tell you differently.

I also do 90% of the housework during the days when he's at work - washing, washing up, general cleaning, vacuuming blah blah blah.

Also, if we are eating together I cook. I say if we are eating together because, if I dont cook us (me and DP) a dinner, he will just make something for himself. I also prepare all of DDs meals although most nights DP gives DD her dinner once I've made it.

I give DD the majority of her baths - once every second day (unless she gets dirty at meal time, then its as and when she needs). I also put DD to bed, which can be a struggle.

DP plays football on a Wednesday evening, leaving at 6pm.

OK, now here's my gripe, DP takes some of the night shifts. DD wakes up once in the night (twice if its a bad night, but this is rare) not to feed, just to have her dummy put back in. It's an interuption to your sleep, but at most a 10 min job. DP used to take 6/7 night shifts. He's now wanting to do less, in the interest of fairness. Although, seemingly what I do during the day etc is not to be counted towards the interest of fairness because he is at work. So fairness only counts within the 3-4 hours when he's at home before she goes to bed.

This week (Mon - Fri) I've had her over-night twice so far and am having her tonight (which has been sprung on me 'in the interest of fairness' at the last minuite). I've cooked a meal for us 3 times, I've put her to bed alone 4 times (although apparently 2 of these times DP did it as he went in for the last 5 mins even though I'd been in there both times for a good 30 mins) and I had her alone all day to past bed-time because DP wanted a rest before football.

In fairness, DP does take her to visit family every Saturday for 2-3 hours, but 80% of the time when he does this, I clean and have a nap and or a bath (unobserved by DD which is a treat) and he may take her out for an hour or so on a Sunday for a walk or whatever if its not raining.

AIBU to feel hard done by? Or is this routine similar to what happens in other working & SAHP households?

I can't believe he will make dinner for himself only!

Tricky one, as I would say YWBU to expect him to take 6/7 night shifts as he is getting up early to go out to work, BUT he should be doing more after work/evenings I would say?

Well done for getting through all that cheesy! But yeah he really will. OK it's only noodles or a pizza or something, but it would be nice to be asked!

early I'd be quite happy to do 5/7 night shifts if he pitched in in other areas. It just feels like a bit of a kick in the teeth that (mostly) the only thing he did he now doesn't want to do. The getting up one/two times in the night is a fairly recent thing too, for a good 6 weeks she slept right through, and before that when she was teeny tiny we split them 60/40 to me.

I know I still sound unreasonable and like I'm whining. Apologies. It's been a long day and I'm cheesed off babies (and DP at the moment) are bloody hard work haha

No, I think YANBU. I can't get over him happily eating food you have prepared for him but not repaying the favour. It's so mean! Yes I think you would feel less resentful if he mucked in with other things, swapping duties with you so that you felt less in a rut. Not sure how you manage that though, someone wiser might be along soon!

It wouldn't work for us. Our DD is the same age. I do all the wake ups and childcare, plus cook the evening meal, laundry and shopping. DH works during the day, does the washing up, cleaning and walks the dogs. I wouldn't want him up in the night if he's working the next day.

who is taking care of the home and vehicle maintenance? oil changes, tire rotation, engine checks and car cleaning, mowing and raking the lawn and taking out the bins? this adds to the picture as it isn't only indoor jobs that need tending.
personally if you are the sahm I am of the belief you should be doing the night soother duties and nap during the day when the little one naps.
I would organize a few ready made meals in the freezer to help bail you out and feed your hubby when you and him have different evening meal scheduling issues.

He only works until half two! Why should OP make freezer meals for him? He can cook, he just doesn't want to do it for both of them. It doesn't sound like he does the 'wider' jobs that you describe but I'm happy to be corrected, although those jobs aren't usually a daily necessity.

Out2pasture : apart from the car maintenance which the garage do, I do the rest. For example a couple of weeks ago I spent 9 days redecorating our dining room: stripping walls, remedial plastering, painting, sanding, glossing, making new curtains etc. All with DD in tow. The only thing DP had to do - put the curtain rail up, is still not done.
The meal times are only different because I'm busy when he's hungry so he cooks for himself,as in just that. He makes a one person meal. Doesn't ask if I'm hungry. I'll come back in and he'll be eating.
The garden is also my domain, if I didn't cut the grass, weed etc it wouldn't get done.
Prior to DD being born I did all the work on her room. I was up a ladder hanging wall paper when I was 8 months pregnant.
DP volunteered for the night shifts when she started sleeping through the night, when that changed he doesn't want to do them anymore which is fair enough, but he doesn't do anything else either.
It's basically as if because he works he shouldn't have to do anything else at all... Up until last month I was doing all this and finishing my university degree. My last exam was last month.
I'm going off on a tangent, but, is this really what it's supposed to be like? I knew having a child would be hard work obviously, but I didn't expect to be doing everything myself

My take on it...

He is out working/commuting for ~9 hours 5 days a week.
So you as a sahm should first take 9hrs equivalent work. Primarily this is DD care - since that is why you are at home. If you can fit in housework during that time then all is well and good, but you will do more/less as she goes through different phases of neediness/independence. (The 9 hours may or may no coinside - in your case i guess it depends on what time DD gets up, whether you get to nap when she does etc)

However after that 9 hours all leftover housework and the remaining 3hrs of DD care (plus weekend DD care) should get split equally. To not do so is giving one persons job more weight than the other.

Certainly I would not put up with him cooking only for himself. If my dh did that, I would be cooking for myself the next night too.

Overnights are tricky. Probably the first think I would try is leaving her and see if she self settles, as she has previously gone through, surround her with extra dummies etc. If that doesn't work then I would share the night shift - on the condition that the other stuff is also shared. I understand your reluctance if it is all he does. Maybe the approach therefore is to say ok, in the interest of fairness, I'll do the night shift, if you agree to .

No, it's not what it's supposed to be like. No wonder you're bloody tired!

And yes, by housework I mean all the stuff that has to be done at the house (So food, cleaning, car, house maintenance, admin work - banking insurances etc) all that stuff that had to be done before the kids turned up too.

What was it like before DD was born OP? It doesn't sound like he helped you decorate DD's room when you were 8 months pregnant.

When I was in same situation:
I, the sahp, did all housework etc, all night wakings, all childcare when dh at work. Once he was home, childcare split 50/50, except night wakings. I still tended to do any hw that still needed doing once he was home, firstly cos I preferred to do that whilst he did baby, plus I'm a better cook.
I think I had the far better end of the deal for that year. I think if for example you're out for a lovely walk and lunch with good friends in the day time, it's a bit of a stretch to compare that equally to work in ooh.

your division of labor's not right. if he's getting home early enough in the afternoon and is doing none of the other jobs then he needs a talking to.
why is not painting, hanging up the wallpaper etc?? or cooking for you two.....
he certainly seems to be getting away with murder.

Arethereanyleft : I went out for the first time since DD was born last Monday (barring going to my uni exam) with MIL with DD... When DP got home I got moaned at and told this is a disaster because the housework wasn't done and I'd not taken the washing out of the machine (it hadn't finished before I went out).
We live away from my home town now in DPs home town and I don't know anyone here and my friends are too far away to visit. I do take DD for walks etc when it's nice weather but mostly it's a little stroll and then to the supermarket to get what we need. DP doesn't like shopping and is reluctant to go and I don't drive.

Cheesy: it wasn't so bad before DD was born, or maybe I just didn't realise/notice as everything was so much easier? I've always been very independent having lived on my own since I was 16, so never waited for him to get stuck into things. With DDs room, he helped to strip one wall of wall paper, and did the glossing as I couldn't stand the fumes. He starts something then leaves it. See above and curtain rail.
It's just starting to really bug me. For example, I get a lie in on a Saturday and come down to a tip. DP gets a lie in on a Sunday and comes down to a tidy / clean downstairs. Or when he comes home from work he'll say oh this needs doing or that needs doing and I'm thinking we'll why don't you just bloody do it?! But if I say anything it turns into an argument, he says I don't appreciate that he goes to work and I don't think it counts to for anything and that he does more than most men.
His family think I'm unreasonable too, they see him once a week playing with DD and walking about with her in the pram which is great but they think that reflects his behaviour all the time. They think I'm not doing as much because I don't go with him, when in reality I'm at home cleaning/decorating/gardening and previously studying.
I tried to raise the issue with MIL once and got the same 'well he does more than most' based purely on the fact that they see him change her bum and give her a bottle or some food.
Having said that though, I think maybe I am being abit unreasonable and should just pull up my big girl pants and do the Sunday to Friday night shifts again.

He sounds completely lazy and unreasonable. How dare he point out things that aren't done but not do them himself!
Whatever you do, do not have another child with him, because then you will be completely trapped.
What is going to happen when you return to work? Will you still be expected to do everything? Yes

Why are you with him?

Good grief, he sounds awful. Have you asked him why he only cooks for himself? If so, what was his response? And he actually uses the phrase 'in the interests of fairness'??? What a pompous arse.

No, YANBU, but I doubt he'll change. Can you live this way for the rest of your life? Do you plan on going back to work at some point?

Honestly, he doesn't do more than most.

My mum used to say ex was 'good' because he changed nappies. I asked her every single time she said it if I was 'good ' for doing likewise and she would always sort of raise her eyebrows at me pulling her up on it. It's a generational thing and v v irritating that he 'performance parents' in front of his family but doesn't make you food. I think in situations like this a head on approach is best - an actual formal sit down conversation, with actual examples and lists of tasks to explain your point of view. Otherwise it's just a sort of ongoing low - level gripe on both sides that will wear down your marriage.

So when you got home last Monday to the moaning... had he therefore taken the washing out of the machine? Or tired up? I doubt it. He's lazy. He's treating you like a skivy. Take him to task before it wars away at your marriage and you finish up resenting him.

No you do not have to pull up your big girl pants and get on with it!!! He is not pulling his weight, at all.

I'm sorry his parents are no help. It can be partly a generational thing. (We both work, have no DC, and OH does most cooking, I do most laundry. My mum seems horrified that my OH cooks, but I just keep reminding her we both work and it's not the dark ages anymore!!!)

Anyway, ignore the parents, and try to have a proper sit down discusssion on division of labour . If he won't even talk about it it's a bad sign...