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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not sure if I'm BU, or if she's being rude.

41 replies

HandbagWoman · 11/08/2017 16:50

Feeling a bit paranoid and a bit angry at this friend...I'm trying to see her side but still think she was being rude...but then maybe I'm a hardened cow .

Anyway, the other day a friend was coming around for lunch, and then she messages me out of the blue and tells me or more like orders me to make sure everything is cooked through properly Incase it hurts her baby. For background information, she had a late miscarriage a few months ago and is understandably scared.

What makes me angry is that she's been around my house loads of time. I never leave food left raw pregnancy or not. My first instinct was the ask her if she's ever had food poisoning from my food, which she replied with "no never and sorry if I caused offence" ...I feel like she was being rude to me as a host.

What makes me a bit unsure I'm BU is that she must be really worried this pregnancy (I've had 5 miscarriages myself and know how horribly worrying every pregnancy is). But then, I've just avoided food that may look raw/bad for me instead of ordering my host to cook food through properly.

Anyway. Please decide this for me MN. I'm feeling quite sad about this friend. She did some other quite rude things when she visited this time too, and maybe she's not someone I want to meet again quite soon.

OP posts:

Mittens1969 · 11/08/2017 19:49

Sorry but I think you're the one that was OTT this time. She's obviously going to be anxious not long after her late miscarriage, so you could cut her a bit of slack on this one. After all, you know what she's going through.

It doesn't sound like you really want to be her friend so maybe you're trying to pick a fight with her?

Pengggwn · 11/08/2017 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1471462428 · 11/08/2017 19:55

My cousin lost a baby at Christmas at 20 weeks she has been exhibiting some fairly odd behaviour ever since. Our circle are just shrugging the ruder aspects off and trying to be supportive. We've been raged at and cried over in equal measure. Cut her some slack, we all grieve differently.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 11/08/2017 19:56

What other rude things did she do?

Beckywiththebadhair · 11/08/2017 20:04

Waiting for the drip feed.

pilates · 11/08/2017 20:14

If that's all that has happened I think YABVU.

She's anxious that's all, be a good friend and ignore the comment.

PollyFlint · 11/08/2017 20:16

I told her she'd made me paranoid and if she's ever suffered food poisoning in my house.

So, your friend suffered a late miscarriage and is understandably terrified that this might happen again, so is desperately trying to avoid absolutely anything that might possibly contribute to another horrific experience. Instead of realising that the poor woman is super-anxious and reassuring her, you told her she'd made YOU paranoid and got offended thinking that she was somehow accusing you of giving her food poisoning?

Unless there is an awful lot more to this story, the rude one in this story is you, not your friend. Cut her some slack. She lost a baby and she's pregnant so she's probably terrified, hormones all over the place etc. You say yourself that you've had miscarriages too so you know how scary this must be for her - and some women are just very anxious about stuff like this in general.

If that was one of my friends I'd have said 'I absolutely promise everything will definitely be cooked through and pregnancy-friendly. Is there anything you specifically want me not to cook?"

I'm now waiting for a drip-feed of further wrongs that she has done to you, because I can't believe that this thing alone would have bothered you so much.

(All that aside: I should certainly just say that I''m really sorry to hear about your own miscarriages. That must have been absolutely heartbreaking for you.)

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 11/08/2017 20:18

YABU and over sensitive imo.

Trills · 11/08/2017 20:20

What are the other rude things that she did?

Her rudeness may be understandable, given her circumstances, but you are under no obligation to spend time with her if she continues to be rude and upset you.

silkybear · 11/08/2017 20:26

Be kind Op, she is clearly very worried and probably still grieving for her last baby.

LouBlue1507 · 11/08/2017 20:26

YABU and in fact, I think you were the dude one tbh.

LouBlue1507 · 11/08/2017 20:27

Rude*

Original poster

HandbagWoman · 11/08/2017 22:03

I'm not going to do any drip feeding of the other rude things she did, because I'm obviously going to get flamed either way so I'll do it with dignity.

I know hard it is to go through miscarriages, but I failed to lose my manners through them, and during my successful pregnancy after the miscarriages. But I realise everyone is different and people deal with anxiety differently.

was one of my friends I'd have said 'I absolutely promise everything will definitely be cooked through and pregnancy-friendly. Is there anything you specifically want me not to cook?"

Well funnily (as I AM a good friend) I'd already told her what I was cooking and had asked her what she wanted already, so messaging someone 30 mins prior to coming was a bit strange afaic. She made me feel like my cooking wasn't up to her standards.

Anyway. Thanks for all the comments.

OP posts:

Biscuitsneeded · 11/08/2017 22:11

Try and see it that it's not really to do with you at all. She doesn't think you're a bad or unsafe cook, she hasn't had food poisoning at your house ever before - it's exactly what she would currently feel compelled to say to anyone whose house she might be visiting or whose food she might be eating. It's a bit OTT perhaps in others' eyes, but she will be desperate to do everything she can not to risk this baby's safe development. She doesn't mean anything rudely, but understandably she is worried. As you've had losses yourself you will understand how any subsequent pregnancy is tainted with worry. Be understanding, if you're her friend.

Trills · 11/08/2017 22:31

Up to you if you tell us what else she did or not, but it's obviously affecting how you feel about her behaviour, so you can't take anyone's opinion as meaningful if you deliberately withhold information.

lalalalyra · 11/08/2017 22:42

You said she knew what you were cooking - what were you cooking?

When I was pregnant I would ask a friend to make sure my duck or steak or something like that was cooked through - not pregnant I'd have them rarer and I wouldn't assume that a friend who was busy preparing for a lunch would think about the change needed when pregnant.

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