So I'm a single parent, 5 kids, two preteens and 3 little ones. Two dads. Youngest 3s dad was a violent alcoholic and wasn't a man you say no to, I can't say I wanted number dc 4 and 5 but as I said you don't say no to that man so they're here. Finally got free of him a couple of years ago, that's been difficult and he still controls my life but we are safe at least.
I'm in crap loads of debt which causes endless stress.
Last year I decided to try out online dating, few were ok and then on one I ended up getting raped. I reported it but charges got dropped as it was just my word against his. The anniversary of that is coming up.
Basically I just feel overwhelmed. I don't enjoy the kids at all. I love them but don't enjoy them, between the 5 of them it's just constant demands. I shout, they then act up, I shout more, I worry I'm screwing them up and shout some more because I feel shit.
To keep on top of the house, washing etc I have to be on the go from 6am-9pm and I just don't have the energy or motivation for it.
The only time I don't feel like my head isn't going to implode is when the kids time with their dads align and I have some child free time which is rare. I spend a lot of the time wishing them away.
I honestly feel like the worst mother in the world so would like to know if IBU? Or if anyone else feels like this or has felt like this and come out the other side?