To be completely at my wits end?

[TeddyIsaHe]

This is probably going to be long so I apologise. Also I want the honesty this board brings to see if I am BU. I have no perspective any more.

Dd's dad and I split up and I honestly don't know what to do regarding contact at all. I'm trying my hardest to get him to spend time with her, but he's always got some excuse or another.

For context, Dd is 7 months and bf but weaning and will take a bottle of expressed milk or formula if needed.

He's refusing to see her because he can't be in the same room as me. And he won't see her at my house because it smells like me. Righto. This all stems from an argument we had about him going out instead of spending time with dd. He stormed off when he was meant to have her, and refused to answer my calls or even discuss anything. This is a regular occurrence, if we have an argument he'll leave and ignore me.

He works what I see as an unnecessary second job at weekends - he works full time during the week, and every other week finishes at 8pm. So not only can he only see her in the evenings for 2 weeks a month, he consistently works every Saturday and sometimes Sunday. Meaning I have not had any help or a break for weeks and weeks.

I think he uses dd to punish me. If I've done something to annoy him (call him out on his behaviour) he'll ignore any messages or calls for weeks on end. He never asks about dd, and refuses to see her until I apologise or back down, which I regularly do just so she has a relationship with him.

I've opened a claim with CMS because every month he would make me list exactly what I needed for the baby and judge wether that was important enough for money. He now blames me for getting other involved in our dispute.

I'm completely at my wits end. I love my dd incredibly, but I also need a break. And she needs a relationship with him! Not on his terms all the time, and not on mine. Just spend some bloody time with her! What do I do? Can I force him to see her? Should I write it off as a bad thing? I already feel so guilty that I can't give her a family with both parents and it's eating me up inside. I wish he would just put her first instead of worrying about himself all the time. AIBU to be so stressed by this all?

If he genuinely behaves as you say then he cares only for himself and always will. Whilst you want her to have a relationship with her father you will need to protect her from his selfish behaviour going forward.
You need to accommodate requests for access but it is not your problem to solve.
Yes it would be nice if this hadn't happened and she had both parents but you need to realistically assess his behaviour as selfish & infantile and remain calm. It's not personal against you.

I guess I do take it personally, it breaks my heart that he won't have anything to do with dd. She is so wonderful and funny, and he doesn't see it. Just cares about how much he can hurt me in the process of not spending time with her. I feel like I'm breaking from this all.

Dont force a relationship. She deserves better than a selfish controlling man who bullies her mother. Leave it to him to request contact, of course allow it, but stop pushing it.

Cms all the way for maintenance. Stop him being able to control you financially. Dont forget to tell them about his second job.

Find a reliable babysitter.

Leave it. If you need a break pay for nursery.

This is about control and at the moment you are letting him have it all, try step back, do not give him reasons why you want money, if he doesn't call then don't call him, totally disengage. At the moment he is on a power trip, leave him too it. It is his responsibility to build a relationship with his dc, you have nothing to feel guilty about if that doesn't happen. Step away and by doing that you will get back some control

You cannot legally force him to see her, only to pay maintenance (and even that can be tricky sometimes if he's self employed for example).

I'd not do anything drastic, but make your plans based on him not being part of her life. Stop trying to coerce him into seeing his daughter, stop contacting him about her, let him come to you if he's interested.

Even if he stops seeing her, you need to keep part of your mind open to the possibility of him suddenly taking an interest and pursuing access at any point months/years down the line.

Very unfair and sad, but unfortunately the way it is.

Also I'd keep a record of every time you make or try to make a contact arrangement with him, whether it happens or not, how often and in what circumstances he sees her etc. Could be useful in court later down the line.

You can't force him to have a relationship with her. Don't contact him, if he wants to see her, he can contact you. If you need a break, could you ask your/his parents or a friend?

You are better off getting a baby sitter as this appears to be a long term 'can't be bothered' attitude and I wouldn't be surprised if he stops all contact soon enough.

Give it up.

No you can't force him to see her - as you know. You certainly can't 'make' him see what he's losing by not getting to know her and not appreciating how wonderful she is. If there would ever be a real relationship there (not a forced, reluctant, fake one) it would have to come from him really loving her and wanting to spend time with her. And he doesn't. He may be her father but he isn't her daddy. He doesn't know her and he doesn't love her.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking 'well he's her dad OF COURSE he actually loves her, he just doesn't realise it/show it'. No. Love is active. DNA doesn't equal love.

Get this in your head and you will be better equipped to deal with him - as quite possibly nothing but a negative presence. He's certainly shaping up to be this way. I've read many threads on here where women live to regret busting a gut to try and get a twatty, disinterested, and especially a vengeful ex involved 'because DC need their dad'. No - they may need a dad, but they certainly don't need a man who is going to make life more difficult for them simply to control or get at their mum. He clearly sees your DD as nothing more than a way to have some say over your life just to piss you off, and that's going to impace very negatively on her. Where does that end up? Bad enough now when he's maliciously making you list what you need for the baby, far worse when he has your DD for the weekend and spends it telling her how crap her mum is.

You've done the right thing in going official for maintenance. Cut him out of this completely, do not agree to any personal arrangement - he'll use it to abuse the situation. Then let him work and make excuses and hopefully within a year you'll no longer be hearing from him. From what you have said, that will quite honestly be the best option for both you and your DD.

Thank you all for your advice. I know in my heart of hearts it's the right thing to do. I just read so often about women refusing contact and I'm worried in his spite he's going to take it to court, not because he actually wants a relationship with dd, but because it's going to cause me stress and worry. He's awful. I have quite severe PND and I struggle to see a way out of this.

I wish I was stronger and able to cut him off, and stop thinking about my own feelings rather than dd's. She obviously doesn't care if he's here or not, as long as she's got boob she's happy!

Fizzy I've read your post many times today and it makes so much sense. Thank you, it's really helping out things straight in my mind.

Just to add to Fizzys response it is hard with a bf baby to get a break, have you got a homestart near you? they can be great support and will come to your place....

www.home-start.org.uk/about-us

Definitely do the CMS approach and maybe look at getting a childminder/nursery session for a bit if you can't get a break another way....you need to look after yourself

OP

Re him wanting to spite you - box clever here. Don't refuse him contact, ever. Keep him thinking you want him to see her, let the situation carry on where he refuses to see her to 'punish' you - and let it go on for longer and longer between visits. Keep a record - every text - try and make all conversations happen by text. Hopefully within a year you will have a long provable record of missed contacts, hardly any effort, and your DD will hopefully not really know him so won't really be affected by this. Source support elsewhere, but don't make this clear - let him think you are struggling, and if he thinks you are moving out of his 'orbit' and don't need him any more, he will tighten his grip. Keep that claim going and if he uses it as a reason to punish you and not see her, great - keep a record.

Hopefully you'll eventually simply lose touch, or if he ever decides to go to court, he'll have little to say in his own defnece aginst your reams of evidence of his nastiness and lack of parental involvement.

Good luck, you will be fine.

Fizzy thank you! I have been keeping a record of everything thankfully. I will stop trying to get him to maintain contact and leave it up to him to contact me when he wants to see dd.

My parents are amazing, and have suggested a schedule where they have her a few hours each week so I can get a break. Very lucky.

Any advice on how to stop being so angry with him?! I know I need to remove all emotion but I am just so furious that he could do this to dd.