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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask how long my terminally I'll df can live now his kidneys are failing

27 replies

whatisforteamum · 11/08/2017 08:26

Apologies for the serious nature however there is more traffic on here.Df has terminal cancer and its everywhere including his spine.Last week he was admitted to hospital for radiotherapy as he was getting tingling which can be spinal cord compression.He also has a deep vein thrombosis and his legs are swollen with edema and leaking badly.
I haven't seen him as I started a new job getting home past visiting.DM rang last night he now has kidney failure and cannot process all the meds in his system for the blood clot.
How long can anyone live with kidney failure? He is refusing dialisysis and is DNR? :(

OP posts:

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 11/08/2017 08:27

I am going today..

OP posts:

Trollspoopglitter · 11/08/2017 08:33

It depends on a lot of factors but anywhere between a week or three is what we were told. You can google a lot of info from hospice websites.

Trollspoopglitter · 11/08/2017 08:41

This site can also prepare you a bit more as it talks about how the body shuts down and starts preparing for the end
www.dyingmatters.org/page/signs-death-near

Skittlesss · 11/08/2017 08:45

I'm so sorry to hear this

When you go on you could ask the nurses for a chat and just ask what you can expect now.

BadlyParkedRangeRover · 11/08/2017 08:46

I'm so very sorry.
If he is at the point where his kidney failure is so bad as to need immediate dialysis then it is likely to be a few days at the very most. If he doesn't need immediate dialysis then it is very difficult to say.
At times things like dialysis will be discussed early as part of making sure he has appropriate treatment at the end of life ie making sure he does not have invasive procedures that may not benefit him.
Go see him. Speak to the doctors looking after him.

Pansythepotter · 11/08/2017 08:57

I am so sorry to hear this. My Step-father died 6 days after being admitted with Kidney failure.

Augustwashout · 11/08/2017 08:58

Hi op I don't think normal visiting hours apply when Someobe is dying . He probably doesn't have longe. Go when you want to visit. I have been object similar ward people can stay with dying relative's

Augustwashout · 11/08/2017 08:59

Been on that should say

Lweji · 11/08/2017 09:01

If he won't have dialysis, then not long.

I hope he can go in peace and minimum suffering.

I lost my dad last year and was very grateful that he was spared months of pain and suffering.

Welshmaenad · 11/08/2017 09:33

I agree with PP that a week or so seems likely, from experience.

When my DF was dying in hospital we were not constrained to visiting times, we were there nearly all the time in the last few days. Go when you can and if they try to enforce, complain. A lot.

So sorry for what you are going through, it's so tough X

belmontian · 11/08/2017 09:33

My DGF was in a very similar position, he also refused dialysis. The staff told us between 2-4 days but he died on the 6th day.

OP.

HensAndRabbits · 11/08/2017 09:36

I really hope you can manage to get to see you father. If your new job doesn't understand why it is important I would struggle to want to continue working there.

Lweji · 11/08/2017 09:44

Actually, would it be possible to have him at home for his final days?
Barring medical need, I'm sure he'd feel more supported and everyone could spend more time with him.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 11/08/2017 09:46

My new boss has been fantastic he has lost both parents and sent me good wishes thank you all so much I can't imagine my world without Dad he is such a positive life force who always put others first.

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CookieSue222 · 11/08/2017 09:53

I lost my beloved Dad in March to Dementia - at the end his body just shut down.
Please go and see your DF as soon as you can. A job is just a job.
We were told Dad could last up to 2 weeks, but sadly it was just over 24 hours - my Brother never made it from Australia to see him before he died. We were with Dad in the day, but then went home to rest as there had been no change - he slipped away quietly in the early hours..... my thoughts are with you.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 11/08/2017 09:56

You are right to go today. Nobody can say for certain how long so its better to go as soon as you can.

NorthernLurker · 11/08/2017 10:06

Fwiw I think he's right to refuse the dialysis. It's very invasive and would likely only give him a very small amount more time, much of which would be attached to a machine. I hope your visit goes well.

Fancyacuppaluv · 11/08/2017 10:07

I'm so sorry to read that. My Nana had similar and she passed 8 days after her kidneys stopped working. But everyone is different, as the pp said, it's better to go as soon as you can x

maddiemookins16mum · 11/08/2017 10:21

My mums kidneys started shutting down on the Wednesday. She was GCS 3 by the Thursday and died at 11.42 on the Friday. She was 80.
I can only go by my experience though. You are right to go today.
Look after you too 💐.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 11/08/2017 10:23

I'm amazed df has lasted so long tbh his prognosis was months two hrs ago. On my way now I didn't go before as the hospital said he was stable on Monday.
He has a hospital bed that has been deli Fred and hospice at home nurses but we he been told he won't make it home.when I spoke to him weds he said he wanted longer in the hospital despite the ward being noisy.I think they are transferring him to the hospice ward.Thank you for your km and words xx

OP posts:

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 12/08/2017 08:20

I saw my lovely Df and my husband came too.I didn't know what to expect.He could talk and shuffled to the loo too.Heartbreaking to see him like that but he was much worse the day before with not understanding what he was being told about his kidneys failing.He looked so sad when Mum told him again.Now I'm unsure how he will progress.I hope to be updated by Mum later.

OP posts:

DeadGood · 12/08/2017 08:25

So glad you were able to see him, OP.

I agree with others that normal visiting hours don't apply in these cases. You do need to start taking a bit of control now - time is limited, so take the help that is offered (from work, from the hospital, from friends and extended family.)

londonrach · 12/08/2017 08:33

Hugs op. My uncle rang the doorbell at my grandparents house and my mum let him in but my gran died when she went downstairs to do that. Id go now and stay. A job is just a job. Hope your df not in pain. Xxxx

geekone · 12/08/2017 08:37

glad you were able to see him and hope you get a little more time.

chips4teaplease · 12/08/2017 08:40

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