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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Moving & exh contact with dd

28 replies

pullingmyhairout1 · 11/08/2017 07:01

Might be long, but don't want to drip feed.

Until this week I was self employed contracting through a Ltd company. Company directors have gone their separate ways and for certain reasons the company is not able to trade currently. It was my only income source and I should get paid what I am owed the end of the month. I am now looking for work. Only trouble is what I do is very specific. Only work available is 150 miles away.

I have (after one week of looking) been head hunted by four firms but they are all in roughly the same area. Whereas I was turned down for an interview for the one job that was within 50 miles of where I live.

I have to provide for my children so I am going to take one of the jobs that is 150 miles away from where I live now, sell up and relocate.

Unfortunately that takes my youngest 140 miles from her Dad.

I am meeting him Monday. I am going to propose I drive her to him eow as per his usual now but dropping off the Sunday night so I can drive her home for school and due to loss of Sunday night's extra time in school holidays, etc. I am also proposing that I get her a mobile phone to enable her to speak to him whenever she/he wants.

Currently we live somewhere that is 25 miles from any entertainment/amenities. If I movd it will be literally within 10 minutes walk. I will be substantially better off financially (even with the travel) and dd will have a much better standard of living.

Also my ds (who is 9 years older) will be nearer his Dad.

I'm trying to do what's right as much as possible because there is literally no work for me where I am.

Should probably add I know the area I'm moving to very well and have good friends there.

OP posts:

Brittbugs80 · 11/08/2017 07:52

On paper it sounds great. I'm not sure if it depends on your current situation with ex and child and how that was agreed?

I moved 8 miles and ex objected. I then took it to Court and the Judge ordered in my favour as it wasn't unreasonable, a 15/20 minute car journey.

A lot went on and I was ordered full custody with supervised contact and we are now no contact, however I cannot move again without agreement from his Dad, even though he doesn't see him.

So if he agrees then yes do it but at the same time he is within his rights to object and say no. How does your child feel?

caffeinestream · 11/08/2017 07:54

Is your ex the type to kick up a fuss and go to court about this?

krispmallow · 11/08/2017 08:02

If he's anything like my ex, he will object for the sake of objecting. If he does make sure you have a good case to present- I imagine the fact that you'll be unemployed or having to retrain to stay in the area will be a big factor

FluttershysCutieMark · 11/08/2017 08:03

Kick up a fuss caffeinestream? Is that what it's called if you object to someone moving your child 150 miles away from you?

OP I can see why you want to move and the necessity to move for work, however how long will it really take for you to get fed up of driving 150 miles eow and start to resent paying for it? Your ex will be annoyed if he has to pay as it wasn't his choice to go so far away from dd.

Rkd808 · 11/08/2017 08:10

Ideally you want a solution that works in the long term, I'm assuming that her living with her dad is not something your wish to do. I'd suggest that you talk to her father as it's a problem that you need to find a solution rather than saying I'm moving love with it, unfortunately there's evidence that children do better if parents live within 20 minutes travel but you do need to earn a living. if he's reasonable he'll help you find a solution that you're both happy with but living 150 miles apart it's likely that they'll have less contact as she gets older.

Redsrule · 11/08/2017 08:13

If I was your ex I would find the idea that the only place you can get work is 150 miles away in an area you know and like strangely coincidental. I would suggest there must be somewhere closer but you would, quite reasonably, rather relocate to somewhere you will have a support network. Why not be truthful?

CosmicPineapple · 11/08/2017 08:13

I see no reason why you cannot propose this too him.
If he only sees her eow and will be losing 1 night but gains extra in the holidays it seems a fair proposal.
He may as pp said say no for the sake of it and he could get a prohibited steps order to stop you then take it to court.
However he will have to prove in court that the move would drastically reduce contact time, not be in the childs best interests and that the move would not be beneficial for DD.
From what you have said the move would not create any of those things.

corythatwas · 11/08/2017 08:19

You haven't mentioned your dd at all and her relationship to her father.

Travis1 · 11/08/2017 08:26

@Redsrule why is the concept of a niche position not being available locally an alien concept? The job my husband currently does there are only 2 companies within an hour of us that could use him. If neither of those did then he'd either have to retrain(unaffordable) or we'd have to relocate to somewhere with work for him, most likely ROI.

In theory OP YANBU but it does depend on DD father and their relationship. Is ex becoming primary carer an option and you visiting her EOW and having her school holidays?

Original poster

pullingmyhairout1 · 11/08/2017 10:05

Ex couldn't realistically have her full time due to working away a lot.

My work is niche. There are substantially more available jobs where I originally come from. Whereas here they are few and far between and if I'm honest the salary where I am is roughly halved which means we are practically living hand to mouth.

150 miles is a long way but I travel substantially more than that now to enable my son to see his Dad frequently and have done for nearly 15 years.

The area I am looking at would be logistically easier but I will concede will also give me some form of support network, whereas I have very little of now.

Ex is ex forces. Whilst my dd11 and her df have a great relationship they are used to not seeing each other for weeks at a time.

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 11/08/2017 10:12

Ex is ex forces. Whilst my dd11 and her df have a great relationship they are used to not seeing each other for weeks at a time.

This is relevant, as is her age. It would seem that distance and gaps in contact have been an established part of their relationship, because of his job, so it would be reasonable I think for you to point this out to him when considering his understandable fears that it will affect their relationship - if at age 11 with years of periods of separation behind them and still a strong relationship, things shoudl be fine. Also, if you've basically been maintaining your other child's rel with his dad in the opposite direction, then he may also be reassured that no, you won't get sick of the driving after a month.

Also, she is 11. In a few years, contact and relationships will start to move and change naturally - and it seems insane that at this stage you should not take this job opp, stay where you are and compromise all of your living standards and security permanently just to keep things as they are for the next 3-4 years of 'child' type contact arrangements.

Cakeycakecake · 11/08/2017 10:30

I wanted to move. My ex was unhappy. I didn't move. And now more than ever and since the proposition of the move came up, he's stepped up a gear and while he was always a brilliant dad, he's more supportive of me now. He knows to remain where I am, I need that. But he wouldn't take me to court to stop me moving if I was so determined, he knows I have mine and my kids interests at heart.

I wouldn't have been moving for work, but family support though. I'd have been a bit firmer if it had been your situation. And given he was in the forces, he had gaps seeing her that was due to his work commitments I'd hope he be more amenable to what you're proposing since you've had to shoulder it alone when he's away and given you're planning to move for your dc I'd think he be more understanding

Original poster

pullingmyhairout1 · 11/08/2017 10:48

I think he will be. I'm just very anxious

OP posts:

Rkd808 · 12/08/2017 10:49

If you could arrange to live somewhere where she could easily get the train to visit then it would probably make your lives much easier in the long term

littlemisssweetness · 12/08/2017 11:10

You also said about needing to take you other son to his dad? Realistically how do you expect to be able to make both those trips? I also don't think it's fair to expect the children to make that trip every weekend, maybe propose he does a day trip to you to even it out?

Original poster

pullingmyhairout1 · 12/08/2017 13:18

There is a train station, airport and coach station that would all take her to her Dads as she gets older. I'm not comfortable with letting her go on her own right now because she's not really wise enough yet.

The kids won't be doing the trip every weekend. It will be every other, and I'll not work any weekends which means we'll actually be able to spend time together.

OP posts:

Natsku · 12/08/2017 13:39

It sounds very reasonable to me, the move would be of benefit to DD because otherwise you'd be jobless and that's not of benefit to her, and the fact that you've enabled the relationship between your DS and his dad for 15 years at a further distance should be proof enough to him, and court if necessary, that you will do so for DD.

I hope your ex understands it so it doesn't end up going to court, fingers crossed for you.

MumIsRunningAMarathon · 12/08/2017 13:48

How long have you known about this?

Original poster

pullingmyhairout1 · 12/08/2017 13:59

I have been told in the last ten days that the company is going pop, although I had an inkling beforehand.

I have a meeting with the ex tonight now. He has a rough idea of what is happening anyway, so hopefully we can discuss it like adults.

OP posts:

MumIsRunningAMarathon · 12/08/2017 14:26

So in 10 days you've managed to apply for....and have interviews, for 5 jobs?!

In your specialist area.... which is very 'niche'?

That's amazing

Notevilstepmother · 12/08/2017 14:55

Would ex be willing/able to move as well?

I know it sounds batshit but we did look into moving when DSDs mum wanted to move.

Depends on his ties to the area but if he is ex army he might not see it as a problem?

Original poster

pullingmyhairout1 · 12/08/2017 15:13

I'm very good at what I do Mum. I spent last week travelling up and down the country. When I have to sort something I sort it. I need to keep food on the table for my kids.

Plus no application forms required. All done on CV's and interviews.

Not. I don't think he'd move, and to be fair I wouldn't expect him to.

OP posts:

Original poster

pullingmyhairout1 · 12/08/2017 18:52

Meeting over. He's understandably upset and not keen on her moving but understands why.

OP posts:

JennyBlueWren · 12/08/2017 19:13

So has he agreed to her moving?

To those who are questioning the "niche" job and availability of positions my brother is also in a niche job but a bit of an expert at it. The companies who he could work for are few but are also very keen to have him. When he last came out of employment he was given job offers from all most of the companies including some from abroad.

I believe they use networking sites where you just update your status and then headhunters see you're available (or maybe get a recommendation from a current employee). Tend to get a good pick of wages/conditions but location is not such a choice.

Original poster

pullingmyhairout1 · 12/08/2017 19:37

Jenny yes he has. I am in a similar position to your brother. Most of the companies I have received offers from I have worked with the current employees before. My business is very incestuous and you do just need to be good at what you do and know the right people. Please don't take that as arrogance. It's just fact.

OP posts:

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