AIBU in thinking Ex-H asking too much

[newsparklylife]

I'm bitter and twisted after divorcing him for domestic violence so feel free to point out the error of my ways if necessary. We have DS who is 13 (14 in October) who is being tested (eventually when we reach the top of the waiting list) for ADHD.

Been separated since October 2015. Ex-H paid sketchy child support in that time. Some times he's forgotten and despite me reminding still never paid the missing months. He pays £60 a month when he pays.

Current custody arrangements are, DS mainly with me. One week he goes to his father Tuesday night, Wednesday night and not the weekend. The next week he goes on a Wednesday night and goes Friday to Sunday. This was arranged through us and we don't have a court order.

His father has always refused to take him to school said it didn't fit in with work. So collects him after work on a Tuesday (between 5.15-5.45pm) drops him back 7.30am next morning, same on a Wednesday. When he has him on the weekend it was from Friday after work, meant to be till church at 4pm on Sunday but invariably DS asked to come back after lunch as bored.

Ex-H has a better paid job than he used to have (I am self employed building business up not poor but not rich!), I asked him to pay appropriate level of child support on advice of my solicitor which is £143 a month.

Ex-H has come back saying he wants me to do drop off/collections for two weeks then he will do the next two weeks. I think this is unfair on many levels.

1. That is an 8 mile round trip for each drop off / collection.

1. I am not sure I can get DS back here (he gets ready for school here when his father drops him off) to get ready and get to his school bus. He would have to get ready completely at his father's and we would have to sit outside the school for 20 mins before he can go him. Mornings are an issue and with the ADHD issues I think this one is going to push DS over the edge. He has to leave for the school bus at 7.54am EXACTLY or the day goes wrong before it starts.

1. He doesn't know when he is going to leave work so how can we arrange for when I drop DS off? Am I meant to sit there?

1. I'm pissed generally about this as feel he is trying to be controlling (as ever). In my opinion DS should go on a Tuesday evening, go to school from Ex-H, go back there after school on Wednesday and come home to me either Thursday morning or Thursday after school.

Please don't get me wrong I love my DS and only want what is best for him, changing any of this is going to screw him up big time.

Ex-H was a shit father and isn't hugely better now, sometimes DS doesn't even want to go to see him (when this happens Ex-H usually ups his game a bit for a while).

Anyway, flame away or constructive advice gratefully received!

As your DS what he wants. Then tell his Dad.
Your Solicitor can use your sons views as he isn't classed as a child as such.

Exactly as mummy2017 says, ask your ds. It sounds like your ds needs routine and as there's no court order, you could do as you like re contact. I would, however, go through CAMS for the maintenance.

Yes, he's being controlling. Don't stand for it. Say no.

Interesting that he didn't suggest he does the first two weeks of driving.

You are being far too accommodating. If his father refuses to take him to school that means he can't have contact on a school night. End of.

If he wants to keep every other weekend and DS wants that too then he has to do one of the pick up or drop off.

Just say no that doesn't work for me and by the way you have to start taking him to school on Weds morning.

OMG, your ex-H is being ridiculous! When I first read this, I assumed you meant he wanted to share pickups/dropoffs at the start and end of his periods of contact.

It's already pretty crap to drop DS back on Wednesday morning - so you have to do the inconvenient bit of dealing with school hours - but if it works for you since you're seld-employed, and means ex is more fully part of DS's life, then fair enough.

But suggesting you should travel 8 miles, and make the whole situation more stressful for you and DS just so that HE isn't inconvenienced in any way is just nuts.

He's seeing it as 'if I'm giving sparkly more money, I want something from her in return' isn't he Rather than 'I owe my son whatever I can give him. I try not to think about it, but deep down I know that sparkly is already contributing much more than me.'

He's a tosser.

No practical advice, but you are absolutely NBU.

Thank you, I am never sure where he is concerned whether I am being unduly biased because he's a dickhead.

Nordicwannabe you put everything down I was thinking 'give her more money she can do more'. The thing is I AM self employed now but I wasn't. It just occurred me that he used to drop DS back to me and I arranged childcare during the day in the holidays as well as I worked really long hours (hence why now self employed DS needed more input from me), he also brought DS back when he was ill so he didn't have to have time off work (he insinuated he thought I should or find someone to look after him).

I'm preparing an email for him (keeping all this in writing in case I need solicitor intervention).

To think I have to tolerate this man for a few more years

Go to court and get a formal agreement for both contact and child support. Then you've got a third party deciding what's fair and reasonable.

Go through CMS for maintenance, your responsibility is to make DS available for contact, nothing more!!!

If he stops having him overnight the maintenance will go up....

Thank goodness your DS is already 13!