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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think part of me will always be hurt by this

24 replies

heavyrainandsun · 10/08/2017 21:41

In my teens one parent died. Within weeks the other moved in with a new partner leaving me alone.

I'm OK. I am now in my thirties, have children, friends, in some ways I am very blessed.

But there is still this pain inside me that will not go away. Or not pain, as I am numb to it. More a combination of resentment as my loneliness led me to some silly things and some dangerous places and some bad decisions, some which are with me now. But I feel that after such a chaotic and unhappy start to adult life, it was almost like starting a race after everybody else.

I don't expect anybody to make any sense of this but i have shrugged off several sexual assaults, job trouble, bereavements, yet being left to fester in that house hurts when none of the others do.

OP posts:

Penny4UrThoughts · 10/08/2017 21:47

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I don't think anyone wouldn't have been left hurt by that, it's utterly selfish behaviour.

You deserved better. You deserved family to be there for you at a young age and support you through a difficult time.

I would try to forgive - not because they deserve it, but because I wouldn't want to carry that hurt with me. But it wouldn't be easy, and would take a long time of it happened at all. Yanbu.

Original poster

heavyrainandsun · 10/08/2017 21:50

Thanks - I have forgiven, really. I was never angry with my dad funnily enough. I was with my mum and I was with myself as I thought it was my fault.

But you don't forgive and move on. I think it hurts too much for that.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 10/08/2017 21:51

That was really disgraceful. They moved in with someone else so quickly afterwards - were you left alone or were there siblings?

Has it affected how close you are to your remaining parent?

Original poster

heavyrainandsun · 10/08/2017 21:53

I was alone as my brother was at university. It was horrible. I was really scared being in the house alone.

It did affect things definitely. Although mainly because my dad's partner wasn't very nice so even when I moved out I couldn't really visit or phone up.

OP posts:

LineysRun · 10/08/2017 21:53

That's awful, what happened to you. What a selfish parent to do that to you.

sourpatchkid · 10/08/2017 22:00

I'm so so sorry you went through that. It's heartbreaking and it's unfair and you deserved better.

Will it always hurt? I don't know. Sometimes if you can process it fully (therapy? Art? Writing?) the pain can be eased

ImperialBlether · 10/08/2017 22:08

You lost both parents so quickly. I wouldn't be able to forgive my dad for that. His new wife sounds a real treat.

Have you had counselling?

Original poster

heavyrainandsun · 10/08/2017 22:12

No ... I don't think I want it and plus I can't afford it!

(The new partner was awful.)

It just made me very vulnerable when I was younger and I made some bad decisions on the back of that. Got married very young.

OP posts:

DeadGood · 10/08/2017 22:15

I am so sorry that happened to you. Absolutely awful. How your father could pile that hurt onto a bereaved teenager is beyond me.

Original poster

heavyrainandsun · 10/08/2017 22:18

It was as if his own loss.was so big he couldn't see mine?

He said once 'well you didn't get on with your mum anyway'

OP posts:

sourpatchkid · 10/08/2017 22:26

That's no excuse to leave you alone!!

You made the decisions you had to at the time for the life you lived. They weren't "bad decisions ", they were probably all you had

QuiteLikely5 · 10/08/2017 22:33

Forgiveness really is the best form of self interest.

FadedRed · 10/08/2017 22:35

Sorry for your loss, Op, flowers]
You say you don't want counselling, but you might benefit from talking how you feel about your loss to someone trained with bereavement.
Www.cruse.org.uk offer help with bereavement by phone or email, as well as face to face, and they are free. Maybe just being able to talk over the phone or write it all out in an email might help to 'get it off your chest' and relieve some of the burden you are carrying.

Original poster

heavyrainandsun · 10/08/2017 22:36

I've no personal axe with anybody but I do recognise those events still impact on me now.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 10/08/2017 22:50

heavyrainandsun please consider counselling. You were angry with your mum (for dying?) and yourself but not your dad. I think you need to work through it somehow.

Just my humble opinion.

If you want to just read up, maybe try reading about inner child. It is not just about sexual abuse etc but about any childhood trauma.

www.ppfoundation.co.uk/

I've not read much, or had any trauma but having OCD in childhood and being very shy and dyslexic at school has left we with some 'issues' around eating, which I am working through.

Thinking of you. XX

Original poster

heavyrainandsun · 10/08/2017 22:54

Thanks. I wasn't angry with her for dying but she was an alcoholic and hard to live with. Then, she died!

I'll take a look at that link, thanks.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 10/08/2017 22:57

heavyrainandsun sorry I was just clarifying, it is not uncommon (I would imagine) to be angry that a parent dies when one is still young, and very, very normal to be angry with a parent who is an alcoholic.

May I ask if your dad is still alive?

Original poster

heavyrainandsun · 10/08/2017 22:58

No, he died nearly 6 years ago.

OP posts:

Bicyclethief · 10/08/2017 22:59

Sorry to hear your story. I think counselling is a good idea. I didn't have exactly the same experience to you but similar in some ways (I lost a parent young) and I grew up pretty much blocking it out (once I learnt to cope with the loss). It was only when I had my own children that it suddenly hit me again. It totally surprised me as I was well into my late 30s and suddenly I felt like I was back when it happened when I was a teenager. I'm not sure you get over it but counselling helps.

Original poster

heavyrainandsun · 10/08/2017 23:02

Thanks. Can't really afford it & have no childcare.

OP posts:

sourpatchkid · 11/08/2017 08:59

You don't have to have therapy (if you did want it and are in the UK you can get it on the NHS)

Sometimes it can help just to write about it. Or sometimes you don't need anything but to acknowledge it.

to you

Bicyclethief · 11/08/2017 09:07

And just to echo what others have said. My parent wasn't an alcoholic, or anything but I was still angry with them for leaving me!

Abra1d · 11/08/2017 09:11

You must have felt so abandoned. My children were still so in need of me in their teens. One is 18 and I can't imagine her just being left alone like that.

antimatter · 11/08/2017 09:46

I was angry for years at my mum for dying when I was 18 months old. I was angry at my father for not wanting me to live with him (now I bless that I wasn't as he was an alcoholic, my GP's brought me up). Definitely counselling helped me, I managed only 8 sessions, reason being that all penned pain and thoughts were flowing out during those sessions and I couldn't keep up with all my emotions.

My counsellor said one thing during my session and this stayed with me forever - you have right to feel angry at those who supposed to be looking after you, you have right to cry over you, a child who was let down by those around you. Don't assume you have to always be strong for everyone. We are learning those coping strategies when we are abandoned as kids.

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