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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another PIL thread! Am I being too sensitive?

22 replies

mogulfield · 10/08/2017 18:35

I fear IABU here. PIL related, Il try and keep this brief.

I have had my PIL here for 2 days whilst unfortunately my DH has had to work (they were here for my DS birthday).
They used to be lovely and we used to get on very well (known them 8 years), I never thought I would post a PIL thread on here, but just recently they've decided to give their opinion on everythiinnnnggg (I'm not sure what's happened).

Some of their comments over the last 2 days:
Why don't you have carpet?
Why do you have so many visitors you'll never get the house finished (we had 2 visitors this month).
When are we going to finish the living room (we can't afford it)
Why haven't I finished painting the garden chairs (I respond with I'm running a business and looking after my son), their response 'we thought you needed a prod!'
Why don't you go to the local church? You won't get to know anyone.
Why don't you iron your bedsheets?
Why are you doing so much for your birthday? It's not on when you're a mother (I went away with some girlfriends for my bday).
One comment that did upset me was about my last miscarriage and how I was 'running around all over the place' basically saying I'd caused it by being busy at work.

I'm 13 weeks pregnant so my tolerance is zero due to hormones and what usually wouldn't affect me is giving me serious rage! AIBU and how should I deal with this? Or am I being sensitive because of the pregnancy?

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 10/08/2017 18:36

It's sounds annoying!

Nod and smile and repeat.

Gizlotsmum · 10/08/2017 18:38

Hand them a paint brush or an iron.

Tell them you like it how it is

Say you can't possibly have them to stay until it is finished ( and it will never be finished)

ollieplimsoles · 10/08/2017 18:38

What are they staying in your house for? They sound awful

EsmeeMerlin · 10/08/2017 18:38

No that's annoying as hell. Just smile pointingly and point out you do things your way. Also point out that their son could paint the garden chairs.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 10/08/2017 18:40

No they are being out of order and insensitive. Under the guise of being "helpful".
Maybe they stayed a few days too long!
Careful how you respond, as they seem to complain about everything, it could get thrown back at you as another criticism I.e. You're the one with the problem/over sensitive.

PhuntSox · 10/08/2017 18:40

My MIL asked me once why I hadn't cleaned the weeds from between the paving slabs! Firstly, it was moss and I quite like it and secondly, I had a baby and a toddler and it was very very low on my list of 'jobs'. It was a long time ago and I have since perfected the smile and nod method of dealing with PIL.

Original poster
mogulfield · 10/08/2017 18:43

I'm so relieved it's not just me, thank you. I thought I was maybe imagining it because it's becoming so main stream if you see what I mean? As in it's just one judgemental comment after another in normal conversation.
My DH has acknowledged that they're bad, but hasn't yet said what he'll do about it. He's just got back from a long shift so I'm cutting him some slack for now.
I like the ideas with what to say back, I think it's time I got more assertive. To be honest I don't even think it would offend them.

OP posts:
Original poster
mogulfield · 10/08/2017 18:43

I will have to practice smiling and nodding I think!!

OP posts:
Donttouchthethings · 10/08/2017 18:46

YANBU.
Sounds like you need to introduce a box for comments and suggestions. Try making a joke of this. It might make them think twice.

Failing that I would ask them. Tell them how important they are to you and that you'd always thought you got on well but recently they haven't seemed very happy with you. Take it from there.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/08/2017 18:47

You must feel absolutely homicidal. Tell your MIL that if she cares so much about ironed bed sheets (WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK) she knows where the iron is. Then tell your lazy fucking FIL that he seems more than capable enough of painting the goddamned chairs. Your husband needs to put an end to this bullshit NOW.

Original poster
mogulfield · 10/08/2017 18:48

I love the comments box suggestion Grin but your talking approach sounds like a way forward. They are actually nice people, if a bit judgemental and will do anything to help us (when asked).
My only fear is that they don't realise they do it, so asking them to change will be met well but it won't change. BUT worth a try because we did get on great.

OP posts:
TorchesTorches · 10/08/2017 18:49

My in laws are very nice, but feel the need to comment on everything that isn't EXACTLY as they should do it. When i had a 2 year old and a 6 month old that i was looking after full time with no relief they wild point out all the weeding and other jobs in the garden. I find it very draining, but more so when i was very stretched on my resources (ie as you are now).

I generally used to cope by giving one word answers (ideally yes or no) and either changing the subject or moving out of the room (just making a cup of tea). It is insanely wearing, but i can't change them.

Donttouchthethings · 10/08/2017 18:50

As for ironing and such things, show them where you keep the iron and let them know they're welcome to do it.

Original poster
mogulfield · 10/08/2017 18:54

aqua I'm glad my feelings are justified I tonight I was over reacting! DH is very annoyed at them, and was going to speak to them about how much time they spend with DS (another thread in itself). So I'm sure he'll come good on this...

OP posts:
Littleblueberry · 10/08/2017 18:54

It sounds like they could be bored and instead of focusing on addressing that they are focusing on what you've not done. They've also probably forgotten what it was like to have small children. Ask them to take the kids for a bit so you can crack on with the "jobs" and instead crack open your favourite box set ;-)

AlternativeTentacle · 10/08/2017 18:56

Can you answer everything with 'why can't you go home?'

Original poster
mogulfield · 10/08/2017 18:57

torches they sound the same as mine! It's like they've forgotten what it's like to have small children.
The thing is their house is immaculate as is their garden because they spend hours on it as they're both retired. I think they think our priorities are wrong and why can't we just sort everything out like they can? WE DONT HAVE TIME! (Or money right now). I also feel it's more on me as I'm the woman. I should be keeping the home.

OP posts:
BasketOfDeplorables · 10/08/2017 19:00

Why do you have so many visitors you'll never get the house finished

'Thank you for understanding, here are your coats'

Original poster
mogulfield · 10/08/2017 19:02

basket Grin I really wish I'd thought of that!!

OP posts:
BasketOfDeplorables · 10/08/2017 19:11

It sounds exhausting, OP. My PIL mean well but put a bit of a negative spin on everything, so at the end of a visit I feel like I've used up all of my energy. They also ask odd questions like 'isn't that bookcase nailed to the wall - it should be, the baby could try to climb and pull it on top of herself'. The baby at this point was 2 days old.

Original poster
mogulfield · 10/08/2017 19:17

😂 that's brilliant. I do feel absolutely exhausted, maybe that's why! They are energy sponges for sure.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/08/2017 19:19

The bored non-response works well for me followed up with a question about them. They say "Why haven't you...?" You arrange your face into a neutral almost bored expression "What, that? We're not bothered, we'll get round to it before the kids are at uni." Tinkly laugh. "So tell me more about your new kitten."

Comments about not ironing sheets and such like are often best met with a joke "I'd rather drink gin and watch TV in my pyjamas." I have actually said that to my lovely MIL when she tried similar. It was probably her way of trying to help me be a better housewife, all with good intentions but still, pfft. She packed it in and we are still friends.

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