To think that families are hard work?

[malificent7]

Im talking everyone from kids to distant relatives!

Dont get me wrong... i love my family but omg. The competetiveness, pettyness, overbearing faffing drivesme nut!

My late mum had mh issues and was abusive and damily dynamics are fucked!

My dad has a new dp and the happy couple and their family are hard work with dd snd i sometimes scapegoated!

The comparison of kids drives me nuts!

Dd 9 is Lovely but i find motherhood hard work. I wouldnt be without her though!

Do i sound like a miserable old git? I am a miserable old git. Im a loner at heart and i prefer animals to people!

I am just a loner at heart and i find the complicated dynamics hard.

I dont buy all this sugar coated happy family nonsense on facebook. Im not miserable... just exhausted by it! Anyone else?

Sorry for typos!

You're not the only one.

DD (2) has complex needs and it's a constant drudgery of hospital appointments and the only quality time I get with her being on a bus or in a hospital playroom.

DM is the least tactful person I know, and often says very hurtful things then refuses to apologise because she doesn't think she's done anything wrong.

DBro is an entitled twat sometimes who gets babied by DM.

I have no contact with my DFather or any of his family, the D being sarcastic.

Actually after reading numerous posts about partners and husbands "escaping family time" and "opting out of family time" in favour of hobbies I'm beginning to wonder if "family time" is actually a pleasure or some kind of chore or punishment.

(I live on my own, hence the wondering)

Terrible thing family
And I only have parents and sister really. My sister is great in most ways.

I never wanted to have children but I get more and more relieved I made that decision every day. Oh and being single.

Even though I know adults make free choices, I increasingly feel sorry for people who believed in happy families and didn't get what they thought they would.

I'm lucky enough to come from a relatively standard family. My parents are divorced. I've got two DC, married etc.

However even I find my family hardwork. My DC were fighting at 7.20 and each spent the next 30mins in their own room just so I could get dressed (happy holidays).

I was on holiday last week with my mum. She's exhausting! She shouts, never stops talking, she constantly throws suggestions and questions at me.

Dh likes his space so he disappears alot to read. Sometimes it annoys me other times when I try it I get followed by kids.

Dmil lives on her own now and is still grieving. She obviously needs alot of our time at the moment. My DM and my dmil are jealous of the times the other one is with us. My df is beginning to lose his memory, daily asks at the moment are ok but he is declining.

DH is out the house 7-7 mon-fri.

I'm exhausted because I'm pulled in every direction. I'm lucky to have family who want us so much but it is wearing!

On the outside we probably look like a good family having quality time etc but in reality there's alot going on behind the scenes.

I'm often found to be complaining that I have no family except dh and the kids....but maybe I should be grateful!!

when you dont have extended family you think everyone lives like in an asda Xmas advert, all piled up at the table, sharing stories and chats.....

and op, you sound perfectly normal and decent to me

I was at a dinner of local women (all mothers, my age) recently and we set a ban on talking about our kids, because otherwise it can end up being the only topic. Even so, we veered into 'family' territory. Turns out we all had parents that we were in a caring/support role for- some also had other single relatives (aunts, uncles, siblings) they cared for.

Then one by one we revealed the 'estrangements' we had within our families. Those family members that were just too difficult to keep including in our lives, who had crossed the lines too often or had issues (addictions, neuroses, personality disorders) that precluded contact.

It amazed me how much of our energy was going to family relationships- before you even include dependent kiddos. Energy that wasn't reciprocated. It's bloody wearing.

I frankly can't remember the last time I didn't close the front door after a family event and not feel relief that we were hopefully 'done' for a while.

My family, at least, seem to be energy vampires!

One person on my facebook feed posts stuff like...

#familylove
#sisterlove
#family
#myangelsdarling
#littlebrosis

Boak! miserableoldgit

My mother didn't have a great experience raising children but often tells me how great it is to have an adult child helping now she's old and ill

But I find the strain of it really awful and I'm glad no one will feel they have to bear that burden for me.

There is no way on earth id want my child to look after me. Give me a properly qualified healthcare professional anyday!

Hard work yes, but never a chore.

I adore my family: they are everything. My mother died very traumatically five years ago. Without my siblings I wouldn't have made it through and my husband and I would be long divorced.

Yes, the referee business is a tricky one but necessary sometimes when we are all
Passionate people.

It's heavy going but I never ever feel conflicted about them.

Definitely sometimes yes.

Am having a lovely holiday really but I would so love time completely alone. Dh is too needy for me to have much. He's supposed to be going out for a bike ride but won't go until he knows I'll be out doing a food shop. I suppose I can be grateful that the food shop is too stressful for him as I know he would actually like to spend 24 hours attached to my side, at which point I would have to do something drastic.

malificent7 Except a decent healthcare professional can be hard to find. It is low paid work with many vacancies.
And when people start to need help, often it isn't physical help they need, but help dealing with forms, letters and money. Things that are risky to ask a total stranger to help with. My DF has reached this stage where he can no longer deal with letters without help. But he can still cook, clean, and dress and wash himself.

When I was a child I grew up in foster care. Watching friends and those I was at school with, I believed everyone's lives were full, happy and content.

Fast forward 36 years and I have an adopted family of my own, plus two DCs and a DH. I now understand that I wasn't any different to everyone else; everyone's family is a bit odd or difficult. It doesn't matter if they're blood relatives, in-laws or any other type of relation, there will always be someone upsetting someone else.

Have to say it was quite a relief when I finally realised that everyone's family is batshit.

malificent, I'm not actually caring for her in that way

But even then it's so stressful. I do want to see her, it's not that I feel obliged, but sometimes the hospital visits and things have just felt so stressful and draining.

when I had a partner he had a huge family and seemed to be constantly expected to attend things. I'm an introvert so that would drive me nuts. Happily most of my extended family are on the other side of the world!

also very lucky that my sister is also childfree. Children in the family would have sent me round the bend. I spend a bit of time with friends' kids but not a huge amount and I think there'd be a lot of managing expectations if I had nieces or nephews.

brasty - yes, exactly, it's often not as easy as "get paid help".

Very hard work

My mum is becoming increasingly more myopic every day. That's fine but she likes to insist she's not selfish and would do anything for anyone. She's rude and nasty but justifies this as "I call a spade a spade". She only seems to care about what other people think and how she will be perceived. She reads very closely into people's comments where there probably wasn't any mean intent. She's bossy and thinks she knows best on topics she has no idea about. She's indignant about ridiculous stuff and likes to feel superior about things she's absolutely not superior about.

Then there's DH's family.

His mum is completely spoiled and sulky. She has very traditional ideas about gender roles and, therefore, sees it as my responsibility to organise greetings cards and expects me to give a shit about random children in her family I've never even met. She's very racist and homophobic.

His dad is also very racist, homophobic and sexist. He'd like to see all gays (not lesbians, they're okay, not "natural" but tolerable though not butch lesbians because they are basically men ) sent to an island in the South Pacific so "normal" people don't have to see them "all over each other" and the risk of HIV can be eliminated. I've pointed out that if there was an island in the South Pacific full of gay men and butch lesbians, a significant number of straight women would be putting in requests to move there. He's sulky and won't eat anything "forrin".

Llanali.... your family sound lovely.
My sister barely talks to me. I was a hard work family member as a child with mh issues. Im by no means perfect!

Sis also lives on the opposite side of the country. I only hear her news through other family members.

I live abroad so have limited contact with my parents. They are in their 60s and still in excellent health. I have a fantastic relationship with my dad. Not so great with my mum but bridges have been built recently. I've still got my guard up around her, though. She has a favourite grandchild and isn't afraid to bang on about him, that hurts.

I have never seen eye-to-eye with my sister and she lives the other side of the world. She flew in to surprise me for my wedding but made the atmosphere so bloody toxic-
ganging up on my dad with my mum; mum and dad were going through a divorce at the time. Contact is through sporadic photos on Whatsapp, that's fine. We are early/mid-40s, if we don't get on by now we never will.

But my in-laws holy crap on a cracker! I avoid them, well all but one, and refuse to talk with DH about them unless totally necessary. They (fil and DH's 4 siblings. The 5th is ok. Big family!) have made horrendous financial decisions which affect all of us and make completely crazy demands about stuff. Too long to go into and my blood is boiling! But my Bullshit Shield is on full. DH will be announcing that we aren't hosting Christmas this year.

But really if you look around everyone has shit going on with various family members. I think being strong enough to smile and nod, disengage, put a little subtle (or not) distance between yourself and those people really helps. Or the strength to put your foot down and say 'no more' and go NC if necessary.

Sometimes we need to be a little selfish to preserve our own sanity and health and well-being.

for everyone

I'm in... NC with my own DM and Dstepfather (dear? ), although I have some contact with much younger half-sister.
My DH's family present well on first meetings but are actually totally dishonest, competitive and mistrustful of each other. It's all very "who knows what and when". Any interaction is loaded and mega-competitive.
BIL and his toxic bride DW live 10 mins away but are NC with us ("nothing in common", you see). They manage to see plenty of her family though - to the point of taking their two kids and her DNephew on a holiday to mine, DH's and BIL's home country to see the ILs, as I found out today.
Our own DS2 is the same age as DNephew, has barely seen his uncle since he stood DS2 up on his 6th birthday.
Families give me the irrits. I just don't think I have what it takes .

Emoji "I've pointed out that if there was an island in the South Pacific full of gay men and butch lesbians, a significant number of straight women would be putting in requests to move there."

this is brilliant. I would def move there.

I also have a narc for a dad.

I agree with the poster upthread who said they were relieved to find out all families were batshit - luckily I found this out quite young.

I have to deal with a DM who is envious of my DStepM (no idea why, considering she didn't love my dad). The negotiations ibe had to make between them is enough to warrant me being a decent Brexit negotiator in my eyes. And then a MiL who's lovely but talks about herself too much for my liking.
Luckily I have respite in my DGM who is the lovliest person and totally understands if i don't want to see people or talk to them. So when it comes for me and DH to visit family, we stay with her. She lets me just avoid talking to anyone.
I love my family but boy do I hate being near them for too long. So glad they're all 300+ miles away. (Until next week when it's going to be 2 weeks of hell and trying to please everyone. Although I'm the favourite atm as I'm pregnant with the first grandchild for our parents so...)

The only problem i have with my family is that theyre so far away

I love my family, we have had our issues in the past but it has all been resolved since I have had dd and they have been the best support I could have asked for, and are always understanding of me cancelling informal plans as I'm shattered or just not feeling up to something. They aren't perfect, but now I have another family to compare them to I feel very lucky!

DPs side are very very demanding and expect us to see them at least twice a week at inconvenient times or locations, they are nice people but simply don't understand that what is a nice evening meal out for them is a nightmare for me as I have to look after a grumpy dd who is up far past her bedtime, then deal with her carsickness on the way home. They nitpick at DP constantly which winds him up and makes the atmosphere pretty unpleasant. Added to the constant 'helpful advice' from people who have never had children it is just draining. I need time on my own to feel normal, as well as needing time to fit in all the things on my never ending to do list, I don't think I've had a proper break (and by this I mean maybe 4 solid days of no bloody meet ups/visits) since about May. But as they have both lost several relatives in the last 2 years I feel to guilty about saying no because they are lonely. It is bloody hard work now but hopefully once dd is a bit older it will be easier. Plus we are planning to move back to London to escape in a few years so visits will be less frequent.