To hate being so incredibly socially awkward

[Minionsaregreen]

I am so socially awkward. To look at I seem like I'd be very socially capable. I'm presentable and friendly but I always say the wrong thing.

Today alone I've:

Mentioned in a discussion about accents that I'm not keen on the northern Irish accent (to someone who ended up having a husband from northern Ireland).

I was discussing how in my old job we didn't have electronic diaries which got the manager of that team in trouble as we were supposed to.

I was told a work colleague had a wife to which I replied 'oh I thought he was gay'.

Which is obviously unprofessional to say.

A manager got a phone from a family member and prior to that we'd been discussing a case and the other manager had to ask me to come with her and give the manager space to make the private call. I wouldn't have known I'd need to leave.

I often get mistaken for being a gossip but I fact I'm just staying my opinion carelessly.

A lot of people also think I'm arrogant and maybe I come across that way.

I feel very helpless at times. I've a good job and some good friends so that's good.
Most people understand me as they've known me a long time but it's different with management or new member aid staff or staff that I see less frequently.

I don't think I have aspergers or autism but I just struggle.

Am I the only one?

Sounds like me. I struggle with social anxiety and sometimes when I'm trying to fit in I find I say stupid things and put my foot in it!

I'm okay Day to day. It's only at work I'm like this as I'm nervous! Argh!

I think everyone does this, it just doesn't bother some people or they're more able to laugh it off and forget it.

Well you have just described me. I didn't think I had anxiety but I could have written your op word for word.

I get myself in trouble all the time.

Same! Constantly.

I think most people say the wrong thing from time to time, but some care about it more. You are obviously a nice person because it matters to you. You could have a few phrases ready for when it happens again ("sorry, I've obviously said the wrong thing there and didn't mean to offend you"). I say "when" it happens again, because sooner or later it does to all of us!

I've dropped some right clangers in my time OP. Just embrace your oddness.

I am hideously awkward but sort of the opposite to you. I am so terrified of saying the wrong thing that I simply say nothing. I am useless. If it makes you feel better I would rather hang out with someone who said daft (but funny) stuff than someone like me

This is also something I do. I literally came home yesterday and said to my husband I offended everyone I've just started working with. I sound like a racist,bigoted nasty person and I can't take it back!

There was a lady who I was talking to, she tells me she has two kids about 1/3rd of my child's age, she says oh gosh! But you're so young! I know, I know I say, I started early! Why did you leave it so long? And I'm like, WHY would I even say that? Ah god! What I meant, I uh, I just mean... you know there are extremes. Fuck.

I then started talking about not being able to see properly, ah I need glasses you see, but I don't need to look any more unfortunate- 4 people around me are wearing glasses.

Girl who sits next to me, she's a gorgeous colour and for the life of me I can't figure out what heritage you'd have to be to get mixture of colour, she's gorgeous! Olive skinned, striking hazel eyes, jet black hair. She says her dads indian! Oh that's your colour! I couldn't figure it out.

Then best of all. I said to a lady who was telling me about her health problems I say, see! Not all slim people are healthy.

I think people know I'm a bit unhinged, and no one seems offended. But Jesus. I wish the ability to talk would be taken away from me. I'd have liked them all to like me. But I may just be the most offensive person any of them have ever met.

I wish I could live under a rock on my own, silently.

Me too. Sometimes I'm as surprised as anyone else at what comes out of my mouth.

Me too.

only in my work, I'm seen as fearless (everyone's all nicey-nicey and they fucking love it that I'm not - yet another reason why this is the best job I've ever had; because when I get it wrong [as I do constantly] my colleagues all forgive me because they know I'll have the "difficult" conversations none of them want to have).

This isn't a criticism of all of you upthread, but sometimes us gobby ones have to zip it. In my case - many many times (in my teens, congratulating a recent mum on her second pregnancy still makes my toes curl). I haven't learnt this lesson yet, and (trust me) I'm still trying to, but sometimes we should keep our fucking gobs shut!

I feel I've used a lot of brackets in this post.

I have a colleague who says the most peculiar things - I assume it must be social anxiety because this colleague is actually really sweet and really helpful and a lovely person to work with. So I actually don't mind the occasional bizarre comments about my weight, sexual orientation etc. In context it doesn't seem to be unkind.

How old are you OP? (Roughly if you are worried about outing yourself)

Oh I have met my people I am constantly looking around for a hole in the ground that I can dive into. I get so nervous that I babble too. So much so that I try to avoid people then people think that I'm stuck up and think that I'm too good for them.

OP I don't think you sound like you are socially awkward, but rather you have a poor grasp of appropriate behaviour.

It isn't a 'hey aren't I the most adorable klutz with the silly things I say' it has the potential to seriously upset people and lead to accusations of bullying and discrimination. Your colleague could have taken that comment about his accent as a xenophobic or racist remark.

In fact commenting on people's accents (any accent) in a work environment: bit daft and it would have been a stupid and crass even if there was no one from NI in the room. Why do you think they needed to hear your opinion on the qualities of a certain accent at all?

Ditto speculating about someone's sexuality.

I often get mistaken for being a gossip but I fact I'm just staying my opinion carelessly.

Is that not the definition of a gossip?

Most people understand me as they've known me a long time but it's different with management or new member aid staff or staff that I see less frequently.

This isn't their problem or a case of getting used to you. You need to reign in your behaviour. If you are really struggling with knowing an appropriate thing to say, avoid offering your opinions on politics, religion, personal appearance, weight, sexual orientation etc. while you still have a job.

I think you have foot in mouth disease. I suffer from a version of this where I turn into a blaspheming freak anytime I'm around people of a religious persuasion. It used to effect me more broadly till I got tired of apologising for myself.
But I have trained myself to watch my mouth and NOT make any personal comments about others based on my opinion or observations unless I am around close friends. You have outlined your weaknesses clearly, you know you do this, so you can train yourself to not do this. Don't volunteer opinions unless you are specifically asked, recognise you have no idea of what appropriate behaviour is and teach yourself what is.

Silence is a useful skill to learn when you consistently dump yourself in the shit. Count to three or something before opening your mouth and learn to be a bit more observant and thoughtful. It can be done.

Oh my people, I have found you at last! OP and some other posters, you have written what I would write about myself. I have a small group of old , good friends. Perfectly presentable , friendly but I'm so socially awkward it's painful. I am a terrible gap filler, say in a shop, I'll make some daft remark, just mindless chit chat. We don't live in the UK and where we live makes it a little more awkward.

Stupid things like guests stayed, wife of couple says I've left the bedding or did you want the bed stripped? I say oh don't worry , I'll give a good hot wash when you've gone make sure it's clean - like I'm saying they're dirty?! Omg why did I say that. Rinse and repeat.

Also I'm physically awkward in public but not at home. I'll drop things, or not be able to pack things or get out of someone's way properly or just be generally mal-coordinated but only when out!

Also a bit of an over sharer. To the point I don't want to socialize or meet new people because I just can't trust myself to keep my big stupid mouth shut DH tells me not to worry but I really do.

I am sort of like this too. I will say hello to someone and then dont know what to say next to keep the conversation going. I have to fill silences. I say silly things sometimes. I suffer from anxiety and constantly think about the daft things that i have said over and over again which is not good for my anxiety. Whereas i know that whoever i was speaking to has probably forgotten it.

I used to be just like the OP when I was younger and I too used to be cross with myself about it. I didn't mean to say the wrong thing but it did used to happen quite a lot when i was at work. It's like what I meant to say came out wrong all the time. The people I worked with didn't like me for it, I think, and it all used to weigh on my mind.

With age, I have somewhat improved. Maybe ultimately it's a confidence thing.

Most people are far more worried about themselves and how they come across to even notice what you do and, if they do, they'll give it minimal headspace. Chances are they're too busy dwelling over something they've done that you're not even aware of - afterall you're not with them 24/7 nor they with you.

Having said that I lack social confidence too, especially at work, but have learnt over the years it's not just me!

Years ago I was a PA and standing talking to my boss about something non urgent I believe. Another manager came in and they launched into conversation on some matter I knew nothing about. After a few moments it became clear it wasn't a quick convo but as I was wedged in between them stood like a lemon nodding & smiling not feeling I could just walk out or interrupt to excuse myself. Eventually my boss said something like "I really need to speak to X about this, you can leave" in an irritated way. I was mortified. However, an older me thinks they were actually very rude and either the interrupting manager should've apologised and asked if he could have a chat with my boss or my boss should've said to me "really sorry, can we catch up later" rather than leaving me stood like a spare part!

Meant to add OP that I don't always move away if a colleague takes a call mid meeting - might be just checking what to get for tea! Maybe the other colleague already knew the person had a personal "situation" going on which is why they quickly suggested you made youeselves scarce?

You have described me!

I also have the opposite issue with senior people at work who pop their head round the door to say hello and ask how things are going, I clam up and have nothing useful to say and either blab nonsense or just sit quietly. I'm actually an intellengent and proactive person I just don't communicate well face to face with people that don't know me well. I know it's held me back professionally and personally

Gosh this is me. My mum has always annoyed me growing up as she does this to the extreme (she can often be quite racist with it) and I know I do it too but not quite so bad. My friend circle is starting to dwindle a bit and I think this is the reason.
Classic example was when one of the women on my street (new housing development) arranged a ladies night at the pub and we got talking about baby names ( I was pregnant with DD now 5 months) and I made a bit of a point about saying I disliked the name Alexa which DH wanted. Yep guess what one of the ladies children were called...?
So I feel quite isolated a lot of the time😔

I'd keep it shut. Better to not say something than to say the wrong thing.