My dad is a challenging character. Always quick to lose his temper when I was a kid; prone to highly emotional outbursts. Controlling – he has to have an opinion on everything. Has lent me money in the past (hugely appreciated) but charges interest and then wants to dictate how it’s spent. Only talks about money. He never just asks how you are. He boasts about his achievements, which makes me feel like I don’t appreciate them as I’m so frustrated by his constant bigging-up of everything he does. He shows his love through material things and practical actions, which I understand as I’m like that to an extent as well, but everything is always conditional; he’ll bring things up for years afterwards. He threatened to kill himself on more than one occasion when I was young, and once drunkenly attacked his partner – then made that all about him as well. Of course there were good bits as well, and we had a lot of fun when I was little. He’s always been very proud of me and I know talks about me to friends and colleagues, and does say nice things about my achievements (although it would be nice to be noticed not just when having ‘achieved’ something!).
I know that he loves me and only wants the best for me. But I find myself so, so tense when I’m around him, and now I have a child of my own I just don’t particularly want him in my life. People say ‘well he’s your dad’ and that I should love him anyway, or that I’ll regret it later on down the line if I don’t make more effort. But as it stands, I see him probably 2-3 times a year at most and that’s just fine for me. I know if I lived nearby I’d always be getting surprise visits, and would have him breathing down my neck, so I value the distance. I know he'd like to see me more, and my child, but generally we all have the excuse of being too busy (he travels a lot so this isn't all on me).
I don’t say anything much to him although have mentioned in the past how he’s made me feel. I just don’t think he’s ever going to change so it seems pointless. I also don’t want to upset him, as in the long run that would make things worse for everyone. My mum still lives near him and sees him frequently. She only realised years after they’d split up that he’s emotionally abusive (to the best of my memory, he only lashed out at her physically once or twice). Fortunately she’s not one of the ones trying to push me into having more of a relationship with him.
But still I feel bad – now my partner is a dad as well, I think how much it would break our hearts if in the future our child or children took against him (or me!) for just being who we are. I don’t want my dad to eventually die thinking I hate him, which is why I try to keep things pleasant on the surface even though I feel like I was to physically recoil from him when I'm with him. Is that a reasonable compromise? Is it awful that sometimes I wish he would die so I’d only have memories and not have to deal with him, and could eventually only remember the good bits?