Am I holding my son back...Independent wise ?

[notgivingin789]

Hello all,

I have a 7 year old son.

I was out with my friend one day and DS was outside playing with her son in their communal park. I was being a nervous reck as I never allowed DS to play outside on his own.

My friend commented that I need to let DS go and allow him more freedom, she mentioned that DS is very sociable and sensible. The issue is..DS has a social communication disorder (like Autism and is probably on the spectrum) and has a severe language disorder/ verbal dyspraxia...his speech is of a three year old but comprehension is of a 5-ish year old.

DS is very independent and sensible. If I wanted to, he would be able to go to the shops, cross a busy road (quite rule based) and get me a few things. The problem I have is more to do with his social/language skills... even though his very independent and sensible... his language/ social and understanding skills especially, make him really vulnerable. I'm also worried that other people will make fun of him and so on.

What do you think I should do ? AIBU ? Should I let go of DS ? Due to DS difficulties, I am incredibly anxious and have huge anxiety as I'm worried something may happen to him and I won't be there to protect him.

Depends - where was the communal park and who had access?

I know I am over protective. My dd is 8 and I wouldn't let her play out on her own.

All the communication park was outside her flat...downstairs. I was looking over the balcony.

You're doing nothing wrong. Do you really think your friend is a better judge of your son's needs than you? Of course she's not! You carry on being an awesome mum and look after your DS. There's plenty of time for independence.

YANBU I didn't allow my two out unsupervised at 7 and they don't have Autism. I think you are right to be wary of these things and your friend is being very shortsighted here. Go with your instincts you will know when it feels appropriate to give him more freedom, he is still young and he is more vulnerable than other 7 years olds, which is still young to be unsupervised.

I think it would benefit you both to slowly increase the level of freedom you give him, at a pace you are both happy with. Your friend may not fully appreciate your DS's difficulties, so stick with your own intuition.

However, don't let your anxieties become his.

My DS is nearly 10 and has ASD and social communication disorder. Only recently had he been allowed to play in our close of 5 houses ...yanbu

Thank you guys.

My friend meant well.

I do allow him to increase his independence in small bites. I will wait round the corner and he will buy me a few things from the shop and I let him finish his journey to school...:

It really depends. I think if your son was playing with a friend you know well in a park that you and your friend could see from her balcony, that's absolutely fine - I don't thin your son's communication issues really have any bearing on that scenario. I'm not saying you have to let him go to the shops or whatever on his own, but playing with a friend in a park overlooked by the friend's mother's balcony is a good way to get him used to being a little more independent.

No you are not holding him back.

Independence doesn't grow from being allowed to play out at a young age. I have a 16yo who didn't play out until she was 9. She is going on a city break (hobby related) alone next month.

There is much more to teaching independence than playing out alone. One of the very first things that helps them to grow in confidence is security.

I'll defiantly keep that in mind.

Dolly regarding the communication diff...say like a person came up to DS or the kids tell DS to do something naughty even though he doesn't have that social understanding that they don't mean well. Those are the things he will find difficult.

I meant definitely keep this in mind.

However, don't let your anxieties become his

But ^^ how can I make sure that this will not happen ?

Without trying to be all doom and gloom there is a little boy in my street who sounds like your DS. He is lovely and very polite, but is allowed to play out with the other children unsupervised and the other children encourage him to do things to get him in trouble, which they all laugh at. Things like throwing stones at cars etc. I've witnessed this and have tried to speak to his mum, about it however she hasn't welcomed this. I'm not saying this will definitely happen to your DS but this little boy clearly is vulnerable and I think you're right to have concerns.

Plenty of time for independence when they're teenagers.

Definitely no to anyone under 11 years old crossing roads on their own.

I'd let him have a bit of freedom and independence. At that age, I was off on my bike all over the place - granted this was over 20 years ago - but still. I used to go out and about around the village with my friend. I have ASD and my friend has learning and speech difficulties. Our parents still gave us our independence.

I get the same. My ds has asd. It's not the can he question but more that when he's overwhelmed he can become a danger to himself or others or very verbally abusive.

I worry about what I know could happen.

I'd allow some freedom & independence but I know I've done some potentially dangerous things as an adult (albeit in my early 20s) with ASD through sheer naivety so don't rush to let him go. Independent does not mean "able to consistently apply common sense".

My eldest son is nearly 10 and has just started to go to our (very) local park with friends and cycle round to get me eggs at the corner shop.

Up until this summer hols, he has been with me, friends round to our house etc. He is now very happy to be independent and feels confident in his solo trips. Waiting hasn't held him back.

I think there's no rush, you'll know when your son is ready.

I think you are doing the right thing of slowly increasing independence. Keep doing that. Those that go from being over protected to having to manage by themselves quite quickly, can really struggle.
You can also do things like let him pay for things in shops himself, order in a cafe, etc.