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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect exp to make his own school pick up arrangements on his contact day?

47 replies

harman · 28/03/2007 21:20

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sunnysideup · 28/03/2007 22:11

I'd expect the pick up arrangements to remain the same for the kids; if it's not the parents collecting, then the same arranged carer. I would think he needs to use the same arrangement you do the rest of the week tbh. not because he's a man and should be let off sorting out his own stuff! but because it has to be easier and nicer for the kids to have the same arrangements each week really. Perhaps you could suggest to him that you both look through a list of childminders and try to agree on who you'll use? Make it a joint thing so that you don't feel he just leaves it to you?

Original poster
harman · 28/03/2007 22:24

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sunnysideup · 28/03/2007 22:38

hmmm, then I think you have done all you can; if your regular lady can't cover the wednesday, then it's up to him to organise childcare on his pick up day; you're right. Let him do it.
His responsibility on his contact!

Original poster
harman · 28/03/2007 22:53

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edam · 28/03/2007 22:58

Harman, agree, it's his day, his responsibility. Given that the normal arrangements wouldn't work on that day anyway. You aren't just being bloody awkward and giving a nanny that day off just to spite your ex!

If he wanted a SAHM to look after his children for him, he should have married someone else. And stayed married!

edam · 28/03/2007 22:59

(ie he should have kept the mother of his children so happy that he wouldn't have ended up being an ex, IYKWIM)

Original poster
harman · 28/03/2007 23:12

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Original poster
harman · 29/03/2007 10:23

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Judy1234 · 29/03/2007 10:27

My ex does an hour - 2 hours a week with only 2 of the children. It's pathetic the contribution these men can make when I work full time. Many children divide time equally between both parents who each pay for childcare on those weeks or days they have the children and more importantly are responsible for it. Sadly though there is no right to force a man ever to see their children so you don't have much to stand on - he could just say right I won't choose to see them for a year.

Original poster
harman · 29/03/2007 11:07

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sunnysideup · 29/03/2007 11:13

Harman, I can understand you being bitter with him but it IS good that the kids see him regularly, at least.

If it were me I would stick a (polite!) note in the post to him and say that you want to be sure he knows your regular lady can't do wednesdays so he will need to make his own arrangements for the school pick up on his contact day. Tell him you are out on a course or something on a Wednesday so you need to be sure he knows this because you won't be free to help out.

You shouldn't need to tell him you'll be out, but as you say he does give the distinct impression that he will just not sort it then phone you!

Judy1234 · 29/03/2007 11:18

I always wonder how my ex justifies to friends not seeing his children. At least yours wants to keep up appearances in some way. I asked mine if he could help when I have to leave on business trips at 5am but he won't even do those early morning slots. I work full time and he doesn't pay anything.

gigglinggoblin · 29/03/2007 11:19

it is absolutely his responsibility. if there will be a delay in picking up one child tell him to speak to the school where he will be late. offer to do it for him if he refuses. make sure he is well aware that you will not be picking them up, tell the kids he is picking them up and then turn your phone off so he cant call you or just ignore his calls. he is being very cheeky

Original poster
harman · 29/03/2007 11:36

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HoppyDaddy · 29/03/2007 11:37

I agree, he should follow the pattern you use. If you can do it, why can't he?

piglit · 29/03/2007 11:43

Sounds to me like he's trying to make a stupid and childish point because he didn't want you to change schools.

If he has his children on a Wednesday afternoon then he should deal with every aspect of having them and that includes picking them up or arranging help to get them picked up. FGS - we're talking about picking them up from school one afternoon a week, not climbing Mount Everest.

Stick to your guns.

sunnysideup · 29/03/2007 11:44

Harman, I really do take my hat off to you. I've worked with families where there's so much animosity that the parents don't communicate at all, and where they're not ashamed to use the kids as pawns in their conflict and I'm not saying these are dreadful people; they're doing badly by their kids when they do this but as you say we're all human and it is all too easy to get this bitterly angry with eachother....people like you who can pretty much put aside the adult stuff so that their kids can have BOTH parents are doing a grand job and should be applauded for it!

Take a deep breath, deal with him on this and know that you're in the right on this one!

Anna8888 · 29/03/2007 12:11

We have similar issues.

My partner does all the ferrying to and fro of the children from their mother's when they visit us, unless he's not available, when their nanny does it (full time nanny paid by him but who works for their mother). And he does the morning school run - picks younger stepson up from his mother's house and drops him at school every day.

I don't do any of that - I don't think that it's my role as a stepmother to take the stepchildren to and from their mother's house.

So in our case the mother doesn't do anything about transport. Makes me very annoyed.

Original poster
harman · 29/03/2007 12:26

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Anna8888 · 29/03/2007 12:31

The honest truth? Because she will subcontract anything and everything to do with her children and never wants to take on responsibility for anything.

And no, I don't pick up my stepchildren and one of the reasons is the more I do, the less she does. So I have learnt (from experience) to put up boundaries as to what I do for the boys, because otherwise I'll end up doing everything (and she'd be very happy with that. Strange, but true).

Judy1234 · 29/03/2007 12:43

You're not their mother anyway so it's the father who should be doing it. I odn't see why fathers shouldn't fetch and carry. It's only by getting fathers to do a huge lot more we end up with a fairer society. My father took us to school every day in the car and I still remember reading the Times leader columns to him, the discussions about science, medicine, psychiatry etc Taking children to school serves all sorts of purposes not just physically getting them there.

As for my children's father, I don't know. He might have told his friends I don't let him see them may be? But that's not true. I did once email his father who I emailed quite abit with photos etc and suggest may be he had a word because it is very unusual indeed to live 5 minutes away in a 5 bed unmortgaged house which in effect I bought for him in the divorce settlement and never once in 4 year had any of your 5 children to stay.

Anna8888 · 29/03/2007 12:50

Xenia - of course, that is another reason. But there is some give-and-take about who does what at home, which is fine too. I do quite a lot of things for the boys that no-one else particularly wants, or is able, to do but which I enjoy doing for them, and that's fine because it builds our relationship. I do their English homework with them, buy clothes and take them to the hairdresser and that's fine with everyone. The weird thing, to my mind, is that their mother doesn't care.

HoppyDaddy · 29/03/2007 12:51

Xenia, your ex is having his cake and eating it. As I'm sure you know. He clearly justifies it by saying "THEY won't let me see my children, just because I don't pay any maintenance".

Anna8888 · 29/03/2007 13:03

Xenia - as for your ex-husband not wanting to see his children, I agree that this is unusual. But I think that when people divorce they see their former partners in a new light and uncover things they didn't necessarily wish to see about them when they were married.

That's definitely the case for my partner, who sees much more clearly now his ex-wife's lack of affection and caring for her family. He didn't really want to admit it when he was married (and worked hard to make her more involved in the boys' lives) but since they've been separated she has "reverted to type" in a big way. Also unusual for a mother to be so uncaring.

Judy1234 · 29/03/2007 13:28

I don't think second wives/partners are really qualified nor should comment on the first wife. It's a fairly unfair process as she's not here to put her view and she probably loves her sons and does her best for them. Your way may not be her way but her way isn't necessarily wrong.