... to want my own space & independence?

[ClandestineAdulation]

Bit of background as I don't want to drip-feed; sorry for the length!

Living at home with DM & DF, early 20s, pay my own way, try to be low maintenance and much prefer to look after my own space, buy and cook my own food, do my own washing etc, etc. Would move out if I could afford it; live in an expensive area - circa £250,000 for a one bed flat or get sucked into renting with circa £900 a month payments for similar.

DM suffers with anxiety and paranoia, officially un-diagnosed but she will often say that she is anxious about something or that something has happened that has made her paranoid and a lot of the symptoms fit and have done for quite some time.

What really bothers me is this; she won't do anything on her own, and won't really allow me to do anything on my own either; if I do, she's unhappy about it and certainly won't let me forget it in a hurry. If we need bread, and we're both home, I'm expected to drive her to the shop. When we arrive at the shop, she'll wait for me to get out of the car to ensure that I'm going in with her. Wouldn't want me to go on my own, as she feels left out and is very vocal about this. This is just one example but I'd hate to bore you with similar instances and different circumstances. She also tidies up after me, insists on making my bed whilst I shower in the morning etc etc; 'you never stop being a Mum, you know'.

DM asks, what I consider to be, invasive questions about my private life; 'where did you go, who were you with, who called you' type questions.

Of an evening, there's an expectation that I will spend time with her until she falls asleep if I don't already have plans with friends, and if I'm in the house but not in her company, she will actively seek me out and either make herself at home in my personal space or express great distaste that I've taken some time to myself.

So please, MNers, please tell me - AIBU to want to be able to do things on my own and have space and independence? Does anyone have any experience with, what feels like, the need to be mothered until they crack?! Or should I just put up and shut up until I can afford to leave?

I think you need to leave. I can't think of a way to broach this with her without her being completely offended and it making your life harder.

Do you have a friend you could share a mortgage with? Or any money put aside for a deposit?

How does your DF treat you, and her? Would a sit down family meeting, asking for more privacy be possible, not getting angry or upset, but gently reminding them you are an adult and need some personal space?
If you work normal Monday to Friday daytimes, could you get another job as well, like part time bar work to save enough money to move into a house share or similar? If will also get you out of the house, so DM won't have you at her beck and call.

Would you consider a house share with friends perhaps? That way it wouldn't cost £900 and you could tell her that you are moving to live with friends. You're in your 20s now. That's a perfectly normal, natural thing to do.

@TrollTheRespawnJeremy I am desperately saving to allow me to enable me to put down a deposit; I'm about £5000 away from where I need to be. Friends are all in relationships and living with DPs or in no financial position to consider sharing a mortgage.

@FadedRed DF is very tolerant of DM's behaviour, but their relationship is something else entirely; they only talk out of necessity, almost every other conversation is an argument or a sly dig about one another. They insist they love each other and 'that's just what happens when you've been married a long time' but it does, unfortunately, rule out any kind of meeting or civil conversation on the matter.

I keep quite busy in the evenings and generally only have one full evening at home, which is mostly spent tidying/doing laundry etc, and with charity and work commitments I am usually out of the house from 08:00 - 19:00 most days anyway. Oddly enough, I hadn't considered another job, so thank you.

I think the dynamic of your family is unlikely to change- as previous poster said broaching the subject could well cause hurt feelings etc, and with the best will in the world I don't think it would change how your mum is.

Time to look for a flat/house share?

I wouldn't just move out, I would look for another job a considerable distance away so I could go low contact. You'll just jet pressure to visit often if you're close by.

I personally would just plain do things on my own if I wanted to, refuse to answer certain questions, tell her I can make my own bed etc even if she isn't happy about it. Sometimes you have to refuse to bow to pressure from people.

DM asks, what I consider to be, invasive questions about my private life; 'where did you go, who were you with, who called you' type questions

I do that ^ , just cos I'm nosy

However, I couldn't cope with the oppression of the other bits you've given as examples. That said I've never made my dc's beds, so that's nothing to do with them being 'grown up' now. However, things like the bread example, I think the more you do that, the more 'normalised' it becomes - my dc would just raise one eyebrow , look at me and tell me not to be ridiculous. Tell her that you will nip to the shop or she can, but it's ludicrous 2 adults leaving the house and going in to a shop together to get one item.

@BackforGood I can cope with the questions in moderation, it's more the accusatory tone that comes with it; the assumption that I've been up to something sub-par!

I expect that I have made a rod for my own back in some cases, but it actually didn't strike me that DM's behaviour was particularly unusual until my friend made a comment about how she couldn't cope if her DM acted like mine!

It's normalised in our household so very much expected. The fall out of not doing as expected often means that it feels easier (and causes less drama) to just go along with it.

Without sounding extreme, I do often feel that the only way to escape this is by leaving the island area.

Perhaps you need to just learn how to ignore her "tone" and invasive questions. She might be unhappy about it but that doesn't mean you need to listen to it. Simply stop being her punching bag. When she kicks off, either leave or go to your room and tell her flat out you don't want to hear it. It's time to stand up to her.