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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Think It's A Bit One Sided?

23 replies

DoYouLikePinaColadas · 07/08/2017 14:58

DH has recently been given money as a gift, it's for a fair sum and on the advice that the money is used for our newborn. The money has been sitting in our joint bank account and I haven't yet transferred it into the savings account that is linked to it (although that account is mine and can only be accessed by me - DH was made aware when the savings account was opened but trusts I will not touch money unless we both agree). I asked DH if we could use some of the money to buy something for the baby to make things easier on me when he goes back to work, it wasn't expensive and he would have had about 1.2k left over but he said no, without any reason at all despite me asking for one. He then goes out and spends some of the money on baby stuff that he hasn't discussed with me.

In the past I had money from various things meaning I could afford the majority of the start up fees to rent our first home, a car, etc. All decisions were made equally, despite that money being very much "mine", in fact it was more mine then as we weren't married.

Maybe I've lost sight of this but AIBU to think that although it was a gift sent via him, it was really for our DC and the decisions should be equal, not just "no, because I said so"?

OP posts:
Genghi · 07/08/2017 15:03

Your mistake was asking for his permission. You should have just bought what you wanted for your DC.

nikiforov · 07/08/2017 15:05

Your mistake was asking for his permission.

I disagree. It was his money as a gift.

However I agree he was being unreasonable for not using it to help you out - seems pretty spiteful, especially if it's specifically baby stuff to help you?

Sirzy · 07/08/2017 15:07

How expensive was the thing you want?

Genghi · 07/08/2017 15:12

It wasn't his money it was for their DC.

MargaretTwatyer · 07/08/2017 15:20

What was the thing you wanted?

Original poster
DoYouLikePinaColadas · 07/08/2017 15:20

It was £100. I see it like that too, Genghi Confused

OP posts:
MargaretTwatyer · 07/08/2017 15:20

If you were thinking of spending £1k on a pram he was right.

MargaretTwatyer · 07/08/2017 15:21

Ah sorry, just saw £100

Original poster
DoYouLikePinaColadas · 07/08/2017 15:27

And it was one of those rocker things, DC just does not settle without being rocked and I'm the one who does it mainly anyway. I work although I'm on maternity and started to suggest paying it back but thought why should I? I would assume the gift is for DC, not for me to withold and lord over my husband.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 07/08/2017 15:29

£100 for a rocker Shock

littlemisssweetness · 07/08/2017 15:32

That's a little excessive? Shock you can buy baby swings for about half that (even cheaper on fb) they aren't in them long at all! I think since he brought baby stuff you are being a little unreasonable? It's not like he went out and brought 20 strippers and a ton of coke

ANewAlias · 07/08/2017 15:34

Is he not allowed an opinion as to how to spend his inheritance?

nikiforov · 07/08/2017 15:35

It's his money and he spent it on baby stuff for your son, so I don't see the issue?

I get your frustration but maybe he has a plan for it or something.

KimmySchmidt1 · 07/08/2017 15:44

You should raise this with him and ask for an explanation.

howabout · 07/08/2017 15:55

What did he buy? If he bought things that the gifter would want the money spent on then perhaps YABU. Baby stuff like rockers have very very short useful lives so don't make memorable gifts. However if this was his reasoning he should have explained rather than acting unilaterally so in that respect YANBU.

Original poster
DoYouLikePinaColadas · 07/08/2017 15:57

@ANewAlias Er, no. Mainly because it wasn't an inheritance! It was a gift for our DC and not for my husband Hmm If he said he'd like to put it in an account in the baby's name, I'd 100% support it and buy the rocker myself when I'm paid if I'm bothered about it then. I'm not a gold digger after his cash.

I get that to some it may be expensive but for us we'd say it was a reasonable amount - well, he would if it were for him, considering the stuff he buys and last purchases, it pales in comparison. He is terrible with money in general, he will kick up a fuss about spending money then spend the same amount slowly on stuff for himself over a period of days. It's either him spending on himself or him saving for himself whilst I try to balance the books. The baby stuff was prime example, he will go out and spend not thinking of something that might be more useful and want to discuss first - 6+ month stuff already is not necessary! And yes, before you say it, I do realise there's more useful than a baby rocker but the item itself isn't the issue, it could have been a tea towel it's the principle.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 07/08/2017 16:02

I think he was cheeky to say no to you and yet he went and bought what he wanted. But £100 for a rocker does seem a bit steep. I wanted a fancy crib and DH said no it was too expensive. It was and we couldn't really afford it. But it was still annoying.

HattiesBackpack · 07/08/2017 16:08

Is it the rocker itself that he wasn't keen on?

The problem might not be the amount, it might be what you were buying iyswm.

Original poster
DoYouLikePinaColadas · 07/08/2017 16:22

I'm OK with "no, it's expensive". I'm not OK with him happily taking part in decision making when I have had large sums of money in the past and had no need to get his opinion but did and now we share a child, the thinks mine doesn't matter anymore.

He bought a collection of toys, including piggy bank toy you put the money in for shapes and sizes, it's for 6 months + Confused, a rocking horse ffs Hmm, a toddler chair like mini arm chair, then clothes that are in all different sizes but a lot 6+ months and shoes etc. I get he's happy and excited and it's wonderful. He didn't need to seek my permission but I often say "is it OK if I go out tonight?" meaning, I'm going out to night. It's a curtesy for someone to feel as though they're opinion might matter at least or maybe I could have said something to ensure there's not this stuff sitting around for months on end.

It started out as 4k!

OP posts:
HattiesBackpack · 07/08/2017 16:25

Apologies, just seen your last post.

Spending on things he likes but then mithering about not having money isn't a gear quality, it might be better for you to go through the finances with DH and make sure you're both getting an equal amount of 'pocket money'.

The baby's money should be treated like you would a big ticket spend- so items should be discussed and agreed on.

HattiesBackpack · 07/08/2017 16:25

*great quality

HattiesBackpack · 07/08/2017 16:31

Sorry OP I've waffles on a bit there and not addressed what you were actually asking-

YANBU, it does sound like your DH is treating the baby's money as his money, and it shouldn't be, you should both be involved in the spending decisions.

PineappleScrunchie · 07/08/2017 16:35

If it's the baby Bjorn one, it's amazing, but get secondhand as the seat is machine washable and they are built to last.

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