That this is a douchebag thing to say?

[ofthread]

Ex said on getting divorce papers 'I'm finding this very triggering'. He was the one who wanted the effing divorce, I didn't want it. Aibu to find this a douchbag thing to say? I can't put my finger on why I'm finding it so enraging.

He's getting into the language required to bamboozle any therapist or mediator into thinking he's a lovely, sensitive guy?

Ignore. Communicate via solicitors/other people.

Could he be regretting it and wanting to re-think therefore he's stalling? But agree - odd thing to say.

Don't be drawn in. Hunker down and prepare for battle. Keep your communications formal and to the point. Any talk of nostalgia and 'the good old days' should be treated as the bullshit it is. Don't be drawn in. Can you tell I've been there before

I wouldn't say it was a douchebag thing to say so much as a batshit thing to say.

But hey, not your circus, not your monkeys any more, is it?

Why are we all assuming her DH is the bad guy because he wanted the divorce?

I don't know. Both ex and I were in agreement over our marriage breakdown, we divorced on being separated for two years.

When the divorce papers came it triggered a lot of emotion, so I can see where he's coming from.

I don't understand. If you're getting divorced surely he would be expecting the papers.

As an aside, when did 'triggering' and 'douchebag' become common parlance?

Sorry, I did think afterwards that 'douchebag' might set some people on edge too!

Yes, he stalled the process for months, it has been a nightmare but insists it is what he wants. Has driven me nuts in the process so I'm on a hair trigger and not very sympathetic to hearing his doubt and emotion.

As an aside, when did 'triggering' and 'douchebag' become common parlance?

EXACTLY!!

it is ALWAYS sad when the divorce papers come in. Nobody ever gets married expecting to get divorced. The death of a marriage is sad.

The reasons why a relationship fails are completely separate. Even if you are supremely miserable, the papers arriving show that all efforts to change the situation have failed.

It's OK to feel sad and mourn the loss of the marriage. Perhaps DH may reflect on what he's done and why? Doesn't make it any less of a right decision for him, but I certainly see your frustration OP and completely understand your reaction too.

ofthread maybe you need to remind him that it's what he wanted and that it's going ahead now. Sorry you're having such a crap time.

I divorced amicably but I understand what he means I think.

My XH ran off with another (much younger) woman after we'd been married 32 years - he still threw up (literally) when he got the divorce papers. I think it is reality hitting home - once you see it written down it is real and it is (eventually) irreversible. That's a big thing, - there's a big difference between endlessly chuntering on about wanting divorce and actually having to go through it.

I would detach yourself, don;t discuss, tell him you will only discuss divorce matters through solicitor - that's why you pay them - to protect you from all the emotionally manipulative shit. Good luck .

I think what he means is, he doesn't want the paperwork, hassle and emotional turmoil that comes with it.
Communicate through your solicitor, save yourself the grief.

Of course it's fine and only natural to mourn the death of a marriage and have those feelings 'triggered' by receiving divorce papers.

What is completely inappropriate is to expect the person you have decided to divorce to sympathise with you!

Why should the OP be the receptacle into which her very stbxh can plop all his icky feelings? If he's the one who wanted the divorce, then he should be being sensitive to his ex's feelings, and be kind to her at this time. He doesn't get to steal the show and plonk his finer feelings on her.

I hate when people do this. Bah humbug!

Yes, I do understand that it's sad for him. Perhaps he just shouldn't be telling me about it as it's very difficult now since recent revelations. Split is not due to OW, or I thought not, but now another woman appears suddenly and I've made all kinds of connections to things in the past. She suddenly stopped contacting me around the time we separated. She was a friend of mine, we knew her as a couple too.

I think what he means is that it didn't seem real until the paperwork was actually in front of him. I felt the same when we adopted our boys. We'd spent months planning and prepping, and then I had a mini panic attack when actually signing the paperwork (I suddenly became scared we wouldn't be good parents!)

YABU for using 'douchebag'. 😬

'Triggering' is a recent (to me) buzz word in the vernacular, like a lot of therapy speak.

'Triggering' is the wrong word, from what you say. Has his receiving the papers triggered memories/emotions of a previous trauma he went through? If not, than it isn't 'triggering', its 'upsetting'. The arse.

Triggering.

Could he by any more of a 2017 cliché if he tried?

He's 46!