To worry I don't know how to be a loving parent?

[Goldfishshoals]

I never felt loved as a child. My mum I think did love me, but was too messed up to be a good parent. My dad might have been able to be a good parent, but unfortunately he was massively sexist and I was a girl.

I spent far too much of my childhood subconsciously trying to be more boylike to win approval, and then by the time I was a teen I was so desperate for love I let men abuse me to try to win their affection.

I'm doing a lot better now, but it was a hard road.

I have a baby daughter. I love her so much it hurts.I can't bear the thought of her growing up feeling lonely and unloved as I did. But I'm so scared that because I never saw good parenting modelled I don't know how to love her.

A few months ago my husband was reading a thing about breastfeeding and told me how cool it was that breastmilk contains antibodies in response to the pathogens picked up when the mother kisses her baby. He then looked at me and commented he'd never seen me kiss our baby. Because I never had. I didn't know I was supposed to.

I hear about adults who love their mothers and think they are now best friends etc - and I can't even begin to imagine how that happens.

I take care of her diligently doing all the stuff parenting books say I should, but i don't know how to make her feel loved.

I'm sorry your childhood was so difficult. That sounds awful

Things will likely start to get easier when she's a little older and start showing affection back and actively seeking.

I would say as she gets older communication is the most important thing - tell her you love her loads and make sure she knows she can talk to you about anything.

For the moment though relax, give her loads of cuddles and enjoy it. You're doing great!

The fact you're concerned about it shows you're on the right sort of track. I know everyone worries about their child feeling loved but you clearly have particular reasons.
I'd agree with whyare. Make sure she knows she can talk to you about things, that she'll have your support in everything. Following parenting books is a good start.

You've come through so much and while it's natural to doubt yourself given your background, I reckon you're able to do more intuitively than you think. You sound like a great

How to make her feel loved - well, you genuinely love her, so that's a great place to start. It's then just about how you express this so she grows up always knowing it.

Think of how you make your husband feel loved - yes there's maybe sex, but there's probably other things too - attention, affection, doing little things you know they like to make them smile.

Bring in that knowledge to your relationship with your daughter. Show her the love you feel for her with your physical affection - hugs, kisses, holding her often. Be consistent and responsive (so she feels safe and secure). As she grows up, help her to discover her qualities. Let her know she matters through the way you treat her - with kindness, doing small nice things.

And above all, tell her you love her.

Did DH have a (for want of a better word) loving upbringing? Can he help?

There's no supposed to about kissing your child btw. Some parents do frequently and some rarely. Most are in between. Do it if you want to, not because you feel you should. If you are not sure you want to or not, try it and see how you feel.

You will have your own parenting style, which you will adapt to DD as she grows and needs different things from you. As you get to know yourself as a parent you will become more comfortable and confident. Congratulations

OP, I have several friends who had awful parents but became wonderful parents themselves. It requires more concentration and harder work but can be done. If you can afford it and can find one that suits you, a therapist is useful in these situations.

Babies respond weirdly to being kissed anyway! I'm a frequent kisser but baby DS always just looks a bit surprised when I kiss him. He is far more into being cuddled, and is now starting to cling onto my neck in response. Do what feels right for you.

you love her.thats the main thing.
don't overthink it.what would you do to her if you could.if you didn't feel embaressed or question.would you snuggle her nose.or bounce her on you lap.let her see it in your eyes.eye contact and the love your baby will see in them is true and genuine.
don't hold back because your unsure.
are her cheeks so cute you want to give them a little tickle or stroke her.
what comes to mind first when you think of loving her.?
if you friend was in need how would you make them feel embraced and loved.
what were all the things you wished someone would have doneto you?stroke you head when they walked passed.tickle you chin.keep just making little gestures of it.contact.its doesn't have to be mushy.go with your gut.sing to her a little.tell her stories.let her hear that love in yoru voice.
you've got it all in you.have confidence in yourself.
how does it feel to just kiss her now.let her smell envelope you.let all the innocent giggles she bring sto your life in.dont think of what you cant or might not be giving but what you can.
she will reach for you too sometimes.
I truly believe what you said bout loving her will mean you will be a fabulous mum. just don't keep thinking of how bad you might be but how good you could be.becasue otherwise youll start off tense every time or nervy.just be natural.be you.
what happens when you think of her now?do you get the biggest warm feeling,a huge smile.let that guid you,let her see it.
itl be ok.xx

How old is your daughter? Breastfeeding us great and passes on antibodies through your milk but that happens without kissing. Any kind of contact and cuddles just by holding her will make her feel loved and secure. As will giving her lots of attention. Don't Worry, you are doing a great job. My mum was bought up in similar circumstances and has never been a touchy feels person but she is my best friend and I've always known I'm loved.

Dont forget it takes time to grow into being a mum its doesnt come naturally to all of us and if you didnt have parenting yourself it can feel like a it is something that needs to be learnt. Be kind yourself and as long as your baby is getting some positive physical contact you are doing fine. My lb wasnt keen on kisses anywaybut loved cuddles. Bath time together is a lovely time for bonding and increased physical contact as long as baby enjoys being in water

My mum doesn't love me and I don't love her. Hard to say about my dad but either way, I haven't spoken to either of them in years.

I have two sons, one is 2 and the other is 4 months. With DS1 I found it took a long time to bond, I loved and cared for him but I didn't probably feel as close to him as some parents do to their children. I panicked that I would be a bad mother because I had a bad mother and that I wouldn't know how to do it properly. Now DS is 2 and he is the love of my life, I can't get enough of him, he is so amazing and entertaining and the cuddles and affection are really natural between us. We have a great relationship.

I am struggling a little with DS2 in the same way I did with DS1 though. I have come to realise that it's not that I am a bad mum, just that I find small babies quite boring and hard work. Once they get a bit older and more interactive then I can connect better, so I know it will come with DS2 and I am seeing signs of it.

My point is, that my struggling in the early days has nothing to do with my parents, it's a separate issue and one which works itself out in time.

I was very scared that DS2 would be a girl though, I posted on here about it actually. I thought I couldn't love a daughter. I now think I was being ridiculous and of course I could!

Give yourself time and be open, some of us take longer to get to know our babies and find our groove. Physical affection is hard for me generally but comes so naturally with my children, it just takes a bit of time.

Thank you all for replying.

Do it if you want to, not because you feel you should.

The thing is I think I did want to, but I didn't know I was 'allowed' to? It's hard to explain. When no one else was around I would sort of nuzzle her neck, but I felt shy or guilty about it .

Since learning that mother's kissing their babies is within the bounds of normal behaviour I have been kissing my baby. I started with super quick nervous little ones, and when she didn't hate it I got more confident and now make silly noises and swoop in to kiss her cheek which makes her giggle.

How old is your daughter?

4 months.

Think of how you make your husband feel loved

I have had problems with this. It has taken a long time for him to convince me that he just loves me and I don't have to 'earn' his love by doing things I don't want to, or trying to make myself someone I'm not.

Physical affection is hard for me generally but comes so naturally with my children

That's very reassuring to read, thankyou.