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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to blame my husband for my mental health issues

45 replies

madcatsforever · 06/08/2017 12:53

I have recently taken a large overdose in an attempt to end my life and subsequently had to spend some time as an inpatient in a mental health unit whilst my mood was stabilised enough to be safe at home.

During my time in hospital and at the MHU my husband has been amazing. He's kept everything going at home, visited me twice every day, called the ward each morning to check on me until I was able to use my mobile - the first 2 days I was unconscious, the nurses told me when I woke that he had been calling frequently. On the surface the model husband.

I was discharged on Thursday lunchtime with crisis plan and follow up appointments in place. Within 2 hours of getting home he had gone to the pub. I went to my GP to attend my follow up appointment and get my prescriptions. Upon coming home from the pub hours later he flipped when I told him that I'm signed off work - he expected me to return immediately. He yelled at me to get out, said he's done with me and smashed up the house, damaging 2 doors, putting holes in a wall and smashing a chair to pieces along with throwing stuff around.

It's not the first time. I must be stupid to have believed that I would be going home with the man who visited me over the last few weeks.

AIBU to think that I wouldn't be so depressed if I didn't live in this situation?

OP posts:
giantpurplepeopleeater · 06/08/2017 12:55

Please leave.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 06/08/2017 12:56

YANBU. This sounds so toxic and awful. For your own sake please seek some help and get away

AlternativeTentacle · 06/08/2017 12:56

It is fair likely that he is the cause of your mental health issues, it often happens when people are in bad relationships. I know I was.

What are your options to get out?

cansu · 06/08/2017 12:57

No wonder you are depressed. Yes, you need to leave. Do you have any other family who you can go to?

PutItOnYourPancake · 06/08/2017 12:58

You need to leave. Whether or not he behaviour is to blame for you MH crisis, you cannot get better living in those conditions. Also, what is to stop his violence escalating and you getting hurt. Please contact WA for some help and advice. You do not deserve to live in fear.

NotTheCoolMum · 06/08/2017 12:58

I am so sorry OP. Abusers don't behave abusively all the time, there are times where they act like the kindest most loving person you have ever met. That is how they get you into the abusive cycle. It messes with your head.

Is there anyone you could go stay with? Do you have DC to look after?

peachlimeorange · 06/08/2017 12:58

Wasn't leaving an option before the od?

abigcupoffuckyou · 06/08/2017 12:58

You are in an abusive relationship and need to leave.

But you also need to take responsibility for your own choices and your own mental health. You won't get any better unless you do that.

ticketytock1 · 06/08/2017 12:58

Yanbu. Please contact women's aid today and get the ball rolling. He will only make you sicker with that behaviour. He is an abuser. I hope you get well soon Flowers

madcatsforever · 06/08/2017 13:08

I don't have anywhere to go or the financial means to leave right now.

I've been talking through relationship issues with my therapist for a while now and every time things get bad, then he switches to mr amazing and I think it's all going to be ok.

Finally I think I'm seeing that this cycle can't continue. This is the 4th time I've attempted suicide and I don't doubt that I'll try again if this continues.

I have 3 cats and a dog, I can't leave them with him and I can't bear the thought of leaving without them and losing everything. I've no idea where to go or what to do and I'm terrified of what will happen if I tell him I want to separate.

I'm not scared of being alone, just of the actual separating :/

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 06/08/2017 13:11

You need to contact Women's Aid, OP. They will help you.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 06/08/2017 13:15

Oh lovely. Flowers when you're in mental health crisis, sometimes mental health teams can accommodate pets temporarily. As your animals are so important to you - and this is understandable - can you discuss this with those who care for you?

You are worth more than this, you know you are. You can get well and strong and be happy. There is a life out there for you.

KickAssAngel · 06/08/2017 13:15

If he's this violent when you're ill then he could be very dangerous. Can you cope with gradual steps? Find out what benefits you would get if single. Fins out about a refuge or somewhere to go. Get copies of finances and other paperwork together.

But do ti gradually. Don't talk to him about it. Even tell yourself that this is a role-play you're going through, until you get to a stage where practically you could leave, then make the decision.

ollieplimsoles · 06/08/2017 13:17

You are leaving op. You are not fucking staying in a hell hole with him.

Please. PLEASE call women's aid. You are worth so much more than this. Believe us.

Birdsgottaf1y · 06/08/2017 13:19

OP what will happen to your Pets if you are dead? or long term sectioned?

Contact Women's aid and go to your GP and tell the truth about what is going on.

There are organisations that will foster pets whilst you are in a hostel.

You don't have to leave straight away, but ust starting to put the plan together will be benificial for your MH.

If you ever feel threatened by him or he starts to smash things, phone the Police.

Go onto the relationship board and look at the links around Cycle of Abuse and living with an abuser. When i was in an abusive relationship they were a lot of help, in me deciding to end it.

alpacasandwich · 06/08/2017 13:23

I mean this in a nice way...

Does he become nice again every time you OD? Is that reinforcing your overdoses?

Do you actually want to die or do you just want him to take care of you and be the person you want again?

This is incredibly risky behaviour and you're trapped in a toxic relationship cycle. If you carry on, nothing will change. You need to get out.

ZippyCameBack · 06/08/2017 13:38

Women's Aid can advise you about schemes for temporary fostering of your pets. I can't remember the exact details, but I'm sure I've read about them on here- perhaps Dogs Trust was one (sorry, head like a sieve today!).
You won't be the first person with financial issues to leave and go to a refuge, it's common and the people there will know how to help you.
Could you find a way to secretly record him smashing up the house etc? It might be useful if he tries to use your MH history to suggest that you are making things up.
You don't necessarily have to face him and tell him you want to separate. You can stat by telling your GP and then contact WA or similar. When you have made all the arrangements, you can just go.
Good luck, I think it's likely that your MH will improve significantly once you break free. You won't be alone, there are people who will walk beside you every step of the way.

madcatsforever · 06/08/2017 13:43

I will research pet charities tomorrow when he's at work, they are my main concern.

My last overdose was over a year ago - in that time we've had good and bad times, he'll be the most loving man in the world and then give me the silent treatment for days on end for nothing at all. I planned the latest overdose as I couldn't see any other way out, my family are so worried about me and I don't want to be a burden to them but I don't want to live this life any more.

Right now I'm not sure if I want to live or die, I don't regret taking the overdose - only waking up. If I'm going to live it has to be a life worth living not this endless cycle of crap

OP posts:
DJBaggySmalls · 06/08/2017 13:45

Please contact Womens Aid, they can work with the RSPCA and Cinnamon Trust to find a volunteer who can take your dog as well.

Womens Aid can offer practical advice and support, including the Freedom program.

0808 2000 247
Freephone 24 hr National Domestic Violence Helpline Run in partnership between Women’s Aid & Refuge

www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=CLTFlMWzgs8CFQaNGwod4qgDMQ

alpacasandwich · 06/08/2017 13:48

It sounds like you're fed up and crying out for help, as opposed to being suicidal. Which is to be expected in an abusive situation! There is help there, WA and the animal charities will be 100% there for you. Things will get so much better, you can do this. MN is behind you.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/08/2017 14:00

my family are so worried about me and I don't want to be a burden to them but I don't want to live this life any more.

You won't be a burden to them, love. The absolute relief they will feel at you being out from under that man will be 1000x more than any 'burden' you may think they feel. Trust me. Call them and say 'help me get out of here'. If you were mine, I'd gladly get you out, even if I had to put you on a blow up mattress in the living room to sleep and even if we had to eat beans three meals a day to feed us all.

Jux · 06/08/2017 14:16

You need to call the police the moment he starts acting like that. He's smashed up the house? Is it still evident what he's done? Call the policze on 101, ask for the DV Unit and talk it over with them. Tell the gp (probably has at least an inkling even if you've not mentioned it before) and call WA.

Talk to as many people, agencies and authorities as you can. Make your life known to people. You will get help.

Reread this thread when he becomes Ms Amazing again. Read your op every day.

Jux · 06/08/2017 14:18

And read the opening post of this thread too. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Read your opening post and Reality's opening post every day.

madcatsforever · 06/08/2017 14:47

I've tidied up the mess but I did take some pics beforehand which I've forwarded to my mum and sister so there are back ups should my phone be damaged or anything.

I will tell my therapist when I see her on Wednesday and show her the photos as I wants to have him removed from my care plan. Not exactly how to go about it but I don't want him being contacted or having access to any of my records.

OP posts:
erinaceus · 06/08/2017 14:56

Under normal circumstances, your husband does not have access to any of your records, whether or not he is named on your care plan.

What is your living situation? Do you rent? Private or council tenancy? Or owner, or owner occupier?