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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Engagement & Cheating

15 replies

FindingShark · 06/08/2017 10:53

I am feeling like I am in a bit of a sticky moral situation and unsure what to do - the reason I am unsure is because I am a little worried about potential female to male emotional abuse in this relationship; I would normally stay the hell away from things like this as you never know the boundaries of other people's relationships.

I know someone, a female, from university who has always had quite a high sex drive - this cause quite a lot of issues during our three years at university, but I remained friends with her afterwards. Very few people did. She never slept with my partner, but did sleep with others, and would often, usually when drunk, say things like "Oh, a wedding ring, what a challenge".

It was more of an acquaintance than a friendship at first, but a few years later she started visiting where I lived (big city). She had a partner at home and it was looking serious. At first the pretence was "It's a big city and I'm too scared to stay in a hotel on my own". It then became obvious she was coming down and staying with someone else in hotels and using me as a cover; I was asked outright to lie to her partner about it which I refused to do.

She immediately started saying how difficult her partner was and how she had had to make him delete all his social media because he was the "jealous type"; I felt pretty shit for her and gave her advice red flags in relationships. The next day she confided that she'd been screwing around with two different men and she really needed me to lie to save her relationship.

Again, I said no. That was pretty much the last time we spoke bar some messages from her when she's been drunk about what a bitch I am, how her partner is really ill and I have not been supportive and a couple saying she needed someplace to stay. Then a few more with a load of abuse when I ignored them - eventually I blocked her number.

Her partner has just proposed. I know that she's still screwing one of the men because she's now using another mutual friend as a "cover" for her "work trips away". I haven't said anything to the mutual friend and don't actually know if she knows she's being used to cover up behaviour. However, mutual friend was telling me that she was worried about the level of control in the relationship - the guy not being allowed social media, control of finances, and, constantly being accused of being "psycho" when he raises concerns about his partner's potential cheating.

I really want to contact him and tell him he's not a psycho, he's totally on the right track and he needs to get the hell away from her. AIBU?

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 06/08/2017 11:06

I think most people are going to come on here and tell you to mind your own, but she sounds so utterly ghastly and I think I would tell the poor bloke. You have no friendship with her to protect anymore. Mind you, he probably wont take any notice......

FindingShark · 06/08/2017 11:12

I would be absolutely fine with the general consensus being don't say anything. It would be so much easier for me if I didn't feel like I had too.
I generally don't know what to do and I can't work out if I am feeling displaced anger because she's using another friend and I am unsure whether she knows or not.

When she kicked off with me, I actually pretty much left the whole university friendship group so it wasn't turned into a huge drama. I'm really bad with conflict, drama and confrontation. Which reminds me I need to go find a course to work on those things with.

OP posts:
SpartacusSaiman · 06/08/2017 11:23

Tbh if you think she is abusing him. You need to tell him. Emotional abuse could ruin the rest of his life.

That is only my opinion and I dont have to deal with the fall out.

Why did he have to delete social media, if it was him who was jealous?

Flowersandfootballs · 06/08/2017 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EdmundCleverClogs · 06/08/2017 11:49

Usually I'd mind my own, but you know what, I'd feel horrible knowing this guy could possibly be stuck in this mind-fuck relationship for years to come. Tell him, apologies for your part in it, then leave him to make his own decision. Give him the opportunity to get his life back before it's too late.

RowRowRowtheFookingBoat · 06/08/2017 11:52

Oh I think tell him, she's a manipulative bitch and about to ruin his life.. I think I would in this situation! It's up to him then what he does with the information

MustObey · 06/08/2017 12:29

Tell him, imagine the shoe was on the other foot - would you want to know? Tell him befored they get married.

FindingShark · 06/08/2017 13:07

" I'd feel horrible knowing this guy could possibly be stuck in this mind-fuck relationship for years to come"

This is how I feel. She has debts in his name, I already know that. So it's not going to be a case of he can just up and leave, but I really thought he would have been told by someone, by now.

I think she has had him totally isolated.

"Why did he have to delete social media, if it was him who was jealous?"

She said it was because his jealousy was causing too many problems in their relationship. However, I now know that it was so she could keep men hidden from him.

OP posts:
MartinJD · 06/08/2017 14:16

You said it yourself, you don't know the boundaries of other peoples relationships.

You also don't seem to class this person as a true friend. I would mind your own business and not wade into someone else's relationship as it's quite a busy body thing to do in this instance IMO

Cheers,
M.JD

FindingShark · 06/08/2017 14:24

"You also don't seem to class this person as a true friend."

No, I don't trust them as a true friend. Not since I found out they were using me as a cover up for their infidelity whilst accusing their partner of being a psychopath whenever he raised suspicions.

I don't have friends that treat people like that.

OP posts:
kali110 · 06/08/2017 14:26

Tell him

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 06/08/2017 14:32

Step well away, avoid contact and don't lie for her.

FindingShark · 06/08/2017 15:17

Just to clarify, i've never lied for her.

OP posts:
OrangeButton · 06/08/2017 17:01

I'm not sure what you have to lose by telling him. You're already separated from the uni group and not friends with her.

He may not believe you because he doesn't want to.

Another issue is how bad you think emotional abuse is. For me it's at least as bad as physical.

In this instance I'd say definitely tell him.

ImLizawithaZ · 06/08/2017 17:04

Find a way to tell him anonymously, even if he doesn't believe it your conscience is clear knowing you tried to help with the best intentions.

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