Not wanting to be friends

[atomic999]

Hi, My dd starts reception class this September. Her best friend from pre school will be starting with her which is nice for the girls. I have an older dd in the same school so I'm more than familiar with school life. The mum of dd's best friend is not really 'my cup of tea' although I have been ok with meeting up with her for playdates. But she is constantly pushing me and pressuring me to join her for social events. Lifelong experience has taught me that if someone repeatedly makes excuses to invitations and arrangements they, for whatever reason, don't want to be involved with you and you stop inviting and back off. This hasn't worked with her. My repeated excuse is that I don't have any money to spare on nights out and social occasions and as I live in a rural area the cost of taxis to go on a night out is near enough my weekly shopping budget. I am a single parent of 3 and I have no support from ex or family so I'm constantly busy.. my older children are involved in sports which means I'm running them to events 4 or 5 times a week. I have little time/money to spend on non essentials such as going out with friends so when I do spend my time/money in this way it's with people I actually want to be around. The mum appears to have many friends of her own and a busy social life and we have absolutely nothing in common other than our children are friends so I don't understand why she is so set on us being'friends'. She is very wealthy and I am not and I don't think she understands how tight the weekly budget I live on is. I don't wish to spell it out to her as it would make me feel like a charity case and I am actually happy as I am so I don't want to sound like I'm telling hard luck stories. I get by, I'm happy and my children are happy. I'm not a big drinker so social occasions with alcohol are a waste for me as I stop drinking after a couple of glasses. She invites me on days out shopping which isn't something that appeals to me at all never mind could I even afford it if it did! No matter how many times I turn her down she starts again the following week with another set of ideas and invitations of things 'I really must come to'. Last week she had organised a play date for all of the prospective reception class mum's. I would probably have gone to that if it hadn't been for the fact I was working that day but now she's berating me with 'you really must get to know them'. I've told her that I'll inevitably get to know them to some degree once school starts but it's never going to happen that everyone is going to be fantastic friends with each other just cause their children are in the same class. When I make points like this she just changes the subject. Anyway, I am feeling that stressed out by this situation that I feel like changing my dd's school just to get away from her. There are other local schools she could go to but she's all set for going to this one where her sister goes and then I feel that I am being childish running away from the situation and I should be able to find a way to deal with this woman. Please don't tell me to tell her to off cause it's not me - I'm non confrontational, polite and chilled out and I've got 6 years of seeing her to get through so there's a need to be civil. I don't know how to deal with this? AIBU not wanting to form a close friendship and social life with this mum?

YANBU but I'm not sure what you can do except for keep repeating your reasons to her for not accepting the invitations

I can totally sympathise because I've had very similar situations to the one you're describing. Don't move schools but tbh realistically I don't like confrontation either but in this type of situation I've HAD to put boundaries in place. I would continue to make the no money / too busy excuses even if she continues asking. Yes, it DOES feel difficult OP to say no all the time and you WON'T get a warm reception for her at least initially but as time goes on she may well hopefully respect your right to say no. If not it's immaturity on part. It WILL be difficult for you to say no OP but at the end of the day you'll know you did the right thing

Sorry should have said warm reception from* her

You are being ridiculous feeling stressed and wanting to move schools because someone keeps asking you to go out, sorry.

Just say no, don't make excuses, don't engage, just say no. It's none of her business why not or your financial situation! Why does she have to be involved in your life? Just don't answer her calls and texts!

There was a woman in DDs reception year who we asked to do stuff and her stock response was "no" and "because I don't want to". I loved her And now I am passed the irritating "first child in school reception mum get involved" stage and am child 3 I channel her every day. No I don't want to bake/go out/run a stall/hug a teacher/go to a BBQ because I don't want to.

Immaturity on her part

Sorry I couldn't read your post as the words are all jumbled due to lack of paragraphs.

She has lots of friends, she probably makes lots of suggestions to lots of people. She sounds a "why not," kind of person. I don't think she necessarily wants to be really close friends with you. She is just sociable and if your DD and hers are going to school together, this is what she thinks will make it easier for her DD. It sounds like you would mean more by inviting someone somewhere and would therefore be more hurt by the rejection, it doesn't mean she is.

I don't think you need to worry, not until Christmas at least. She will make other friends, as will her DD, once school starts. Thinking of other schools is a ridiculous over reaction.

Officially your post is an excellent example of the fact that it's not the end of the world when people say no!!

OP, take advice from pp, just say 'No, I don't want to'. That shuts down invitations.

Sorry I couldn't read your post as the words are all jumbled due to lack of paragraphs

Ffs, don't be ridiculous! Why bother responding at all?

It sounds like she's trying to make you feel included, but going about it in a bit of a ham-fisted way.

Just keep saying no. Just smile and nod at her suggestions. Eventually, she will lose interest. It would be a massive over-reaction to move your child to a different school for this.

I don't advocate that you be best friends with this woman, but surely maintaining a friendly social link is a good thing for your kids?

She will make friends when she starts meeting other mums at the school gates.

If you have explained your financial situation and she is still badgering you then she comes across as someone who doesn't listen or care.

She probably doesnt have that many close friends and is constantly on the look out for new recruits.

Ignore the texts and just politely but firmly say no.

cees So go find one that you can read, and add a useful comment to that one.

OP - just keep saying No. (add a Thank You if you want to be polite!)

Well going by another thread on here she's stalking you and you should publicly tell her to f-off which definitely won't be social suicide for your child....
Seriously though just continue to decline what you don't want to go to. I'm sure she will stop asking eventually.

It seems from your post you are telling her no because you can't afford to - that implies you would if you had the money so you might be giving her mixed messages. Just sit her down and tell her that you appreciate her efforts but at this point in your life you really like staying at home, but that if you ever change your mind you will let her know. Tell her it's starting to make you feel bad you keep saying no to things and you don't want things to affect your friendship with her. Tell her you like your daughters being friends.

Wind your neck in Og. Nothing nasty about my comment, if there are no paragraphs then it is a lot harder to read.

Last week she had organised a play date for all of the prospective reception class mum's

So it isn't just you she's singling out is it? She's one of those organiser type mothers. At some point she will be useful, no need to ostracise her, just shake your head and say no thank you with an enigmatic smile.

Then just go find a post you can read Cees

OP do you think she feels sorry for you and if trying hard to make friends so you want be lonely? I know your not but is that what she sees? In which case an "I appreciate your efforts to get me involved but between the three kids and work I'm really not into socializing with dd3's friends parents" or thereabouts might work?

Agree with cees, OP should try to use paragraphs.

According to some on here you are supposed to just put up with it because she's just being nice and you're a terrible person if you can't spare some time with her....but I say she's a serious annoyance who needs to be told to back off. You need to be more firm: NO I don't want to, NO I don't have time and won't have so stop asking me. Avoid her entirely, don't stop to chat for even a minute.

Poor woman I feel a bit sorry for her. I am glad you are happy with your lot OP but as others have said no need to move or even think about moving schools, just be yourself be nice and so no nicely.
Hopefully she will move on and get sick of asking you. She may sound like she has lots of friends but maybe more lonely than you think (which isn't your problem). However, misguided she is just being nice. I would be flattered she wants to spend time with you socially and try not to exasperated with the poor woman.

Agree with cees, OP should try to use paragraphs and yet everyone else has been able to read and reply. If you struggle with literacy and cannot read it, just click off and reply to someone else. Its not that big a deal

It sounds to me like she thinks you're lonely or struggling socially (single parent, rural area etc) and wants to do a 'charitable' thing by getting you to come out. I'm not saying for a moment that you are, but it could be how she perceives it. Maybe if you keep saying no for long enough she'll give up and choose someone else to focus on?!

But if you keep telling her you can't go because you can't afford it then she will keep asking as she will not want you to feel left out and she may be assuming you can't afford it at that moment in time.

Perhaps say that's not my kind of thing rather than you can't afford it and then she'll know not to invite you to that kind of event.

If her child going to school is her eldest then arranging a get together for mums of kids in their class is a good way for other people to get to know each other. I get, however, if you have an older child you already may have a support network in place so it seems of little importance to you.

She probably thinks she does not want to exclude you so asks each time. It is ok to say no each time too.

Not sure why you'd change your daughter's school over it though.

Everyone else is all of 20 posters since this morning Sleepingstandingup. I am suggesting that if there were more breaks in the lengthy post then maybe the op would have more replies.

You are correct Up in that someone with literacy issues would struggle to read it.