Can a marriage survive shit sex?

[FrustratedWife101]

DH has no sex drive. The only time I've known him to have a sex drive was in the weeks when we bery first started sleeping together. Been together 6 years, married for 2 and I can count on one hand the amount of times he's actually come on to me off his own back (I.e. Without me hinting etc).

We went away for a week to Paris for our 1st anniversary and we had sex once (and I instigated).

All through the week he says he's too tired through work etc so we've fallen into this habit of having sex once a week on a Sunday morning. Even then, I have to instigate.

The worrying thing is, when we do have sex, I don't really enjoy it anymore as I know he's not really into it. The foreplay is shit and robotic, he won't do oral, barely kisses me. Often just lays beside me with his head on the pillow like he's just going through the motions. We never do different positions, just the same old thing everytime. There is no passion there, he doesn't even look at me during.

There is a 10 year age gap between is but that only makes him 45. The rest of our marriage is good but this is making me sad. I find myself thinking about other men and I wish I didn't.

Have you spoken to him about it?

What Ollie said. If you've tried to talk about it and he's not willing to acknowledge the problem or do anything to try to change things then quite honestly you'll probably end up splitting up eventually. I've been there and tried but essentially if he doesn't want to have sex then he doesn't and that's it

If he was like this for 4 years already, did you think it'd magically change once you were married?

I suppose it didn't get to me as much before as I used to instigate constantly and kid myself that he just needed "encouraging" but I eventually got tired of constantly instigating and stopped - now it's worse than ever.

I've tried talking to him loads of times but he dismisses it and says I'm being unfair as he works full time - so full time workers don't have sex??!

He insists on going to bed really late (midnight) and has to get up at 7am so is constantly tired.

I've tried talking to him loads of times but he dismisses it and says I'm being unfair as he works full time - so full time workers don't have sex??!

Between DH and I we work 70 hours a week (him 40-50, me 20-30 plus study).
Some weeks are admittedly quieter in the bedroom than others, but we still have a good and regular sex life. It sounds like your DH is perfectly content to brush off your need for sexual closeness with him, using tiredness as an excuse. So he obviously knows this is an issue to you. It just doesn't seem like it's one to him.

Has DH seen his Doctor to rule out a hormone imbalance / deficiency? Having zero sex drive at only 45 is concerning.

Does he give you any affection day-to-day in an emotional, non sexual way?
Does he kiss you or ever compliment you?
If the emotional side of intimacy is also missing, then I think it needs addressing urgently- I'd already be wondering if it was time to cut my losses and leave.
Humans are not wired to be starved of emotion, it's unhealthy.

YANBU to want a good, healthy and mutually enjoyable sex life.
However I would have made sure this was a prerequisite before marrying him.

To be fair he always compliments me, kisses me before work and before sleep etc - it's just sex, it's like he can't be arsed with anything too physical. No problems getting an erection either, he just can't be arsed to use it.

Take this morning for example - we're laid in bed, it's 9am, in itching to get up as the dog is getting restless and making a racket, no kids in the house so completely alone. He's awake. We lay there awkwardly for 20 minutes or so and then he starts the ritual - I know full well he only started because he knew I was expecting it (Sunday morning remember). It's just all so forced and routine.

That's great to hear he's still making the effort emotionally, so that's one less thing to worry about. Glad that that side of things hasn't slipped. I've been there before, and that rejection felt far worse than the absence of physical closeness (first marriage, not DH now).

Frustrated your 9am clockwork sex made me cringe because I've been there. It's so easy to fall into a routine, especially with work hours.
But...did you even want sex this morning?
Or is it more a case of, "If we don't, then it might be ages til next time, so I might as well"? Because that's crap.
And he probably feels the same too.
He's probably thinking "Well we hardly have sex, so if we don't now, then DW will wonder what's wrong".
No wonder it all feels a bit perfunctory.

You say DH is affectionate and complimentary aside from the sex issue, is he easy to talk to?
Sexual problems aren't always the easiest things to talk about, especially for men if they are sensitive about it, perhaps thinking it's a reflection of their masculinity and virility (from what I understand anyway).

You don't mention children except to say "No DC in the house", do you mean that you don't have them, or they just weren't at home? Sorry if I've misunderstood

I would say that in an otherwise happy relationship, I would seek counselling etc before throwing in the towel. But. Never wanting to have sex, not being great when you do, and this not improving with some kind of professional help - yes I'd call that a deal breaker. Great sex with someone you love is something that everyone deserves, I would be going crazy in your 'position' *scuse the pun

A marriage can survive ok but it would be joyless and you only have one life. I have read the saddest posts from women in longterm sexless marriages and they are so sad. The impact on the women is awful.

Ah OP, I relate to your situation SO much. I am basically in the same one. So frustrating. After 3 years I convinced mine to get his testosterone levels checked. They were apparently a bit low (but not enough for him to think it was a problem or worth doing anything about, despite the fact he has zero drive).

I stay in the marriage because aside from lack of sex, things are great, he is affectionate and we are the best of friends. So i could never bring myself to leave just because of that. It is a real pity though.